Tuesday, June 19, 2012

deeeeepresssssssd

Annoyingly depressed. Like, "I thought I was done with this" depressed. This isn't supposed to happen. Even if my newest medication isn't working. I'm supposed to be wrong in thinking that my medication isn't living up to it's job. It's supposed to be working, and I'm supposed to slowly realize how much better I actually am feeling. The move was supposed to just be a little setback. You know, all my stuff in my new place and, tada! the stress goes away. Work gets better and better. I figure out my financial situation. I make amazing progress on my one summer class. My head is full of the names of bones and muscles in the body (the class is human anatomy). And the sun is supposed to shine, and I'm not supposed to still be using the heat in my car. Definitely not.

Oh, and I'm not supposed to say "supposed to," because it is too much like "should."

The flat tire (from two different nails) on Sunday was okay, because I was over-scheduled and needed to take the afternoon off. See? My over-scheduling of the weekend was solved.

But today was not just Monday, it was Tuesday! Monday, I was "supposed to" brown the meat I bought. Instead, after talking on the phone and delaying supper until seven thirty or later, I had fast food for supper. Then I went shopping and found a book that made me laugh in the store. So, of course, I bought it (it was three dollars). Actually, the clerk forgot to charge me for that, and only charged me for everything else she put in my bag. I forgot about that. Maybe I'll go back and give them my three dollars plus tax. But even I, with my OCD, know that her mistake wasn't my fault (or hers, either; I once tried to give someone twenty dollars change when I wasn't supposed to. The kind man figured it out right there and helped me fix it). Anyway, I got home and wanted to read the book again (a short book), but I was afraid it would loose it's power to make me laugh. It seems I was right; the second time through wasn't as good. But who knows, maybe the third time will be better? That or I can show it to someone else; that might help me appreciate the humor more fully again.

Today, I convinced myself that I could take just a short nap. Alarm set for half an hour. And then another half hour got added since I didn't fall all the way asleep in the first half hour. And then 39 minutes after my second alarm went off, I returned to consciousness. Rats! Oh, that was a nice nap, but I'm a little worried about sleeping tonight. I've been having trouble the past couple nights. Like last night (this morning) in my dream when I was trying to make the plane to Puerto Rico and was running late. I don't remember quite what the results were except for me being a bit extra grumpy this morning.

Anyway, after my nap, I couldn't put off lunch any longer. But it was still so hard to get myself to get lunch out! Seriously!? What's wrong with me? Even with the bribe of watching an old tv show (funny one). But I did it; I ate lunch. It only took me one and a half tv shows to eat it all. And then I felt sick. Oranges. I like them, but didn't leave me so happy this time.

Now I'm putting off supper a little, but am still trying to get over the fact that I struggled to just get out and eat lunch. I know there is a name for being discouraged that you are depressed.

So my "sane" reasoning theorizes that the move threw me off more than I expected it to, which means I am still less able to handle stress than I wish I was. I'm having trouble figuring out the whole eating thing with my tiny refrigerator, freezer only for ice, and microwave and single free-standing electric burner. My old supper stand by was frozen pizza, but the food safetyness of my freezer is very debatable (not to mention the size), so I can't/wont stock up. Instead, I will ... have to figure something else out. Rats.

5 comments:

  1. Abigail, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Changes like moves can definitely be stressful, and extra stress can make depression worse.

    I've had some times like yours recently, and I've been trying to figure out if it's all situational or if somehow the meds aren't working. It's hard to get up and do things I know I need to do.

    Are you able to do things that are fun for you and energizing, like some type of exercise? Perhaps you could google "simple recipes" or "one burner recipes" and get some ideas on some simple but healthy foods you can make.

    I hope you feel more on track really soon. I'll be thinking about you!

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  2. I took a nap today too. I have HATED naps all my life. Only an hour today. But I know the feeling of feeling tired and like everything is work, to get lunch, move, etc. ♥

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  3. I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. Hugs.

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  4. Oh I am so sorry!

    Don't be too hard on yourself. Change is always hard for OCDs and depressives. It takes a while for our bodies, brains and minds to catch up and we still pay the price for the change after the change has happened.

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  5. My husband was military and we moved about every 2 years. On top of the moving of household goods we had 3 children with schools, doctors, dentists and all to get anew. I actually loved moving to a new place and it was exciting but when it was all done - the move itself- I would fall into a slump. Not just a slump, a depression episode. I think Elizabeth is correct in that our brains and minds have to catch up. You are smart and aware; monitoring your feelings and all is a good way to know when it is time to re-evaluate medication and all. Your also funny..I enjoy reading your posts because you slip in stuff that makes me laugh.

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