Saturday, June 16, 2012

the weekend

I woke up and started the day with the significant concern that I would use the day wrong. Hello, new "dominant" face of OCD. Got through breakfast and returned to bed, because I didn't know what to do or how to do it in the time between now and when I'm scheduled to babysit this evening. Eventually, I convinced myself to get up with the temptation of wearing something exciting - i.e., something I wouldn't wear to work. But, of course, the first choice no longer fit me. The trouble with gaining weight, whether or not I'm still within a decent weight range. Anyhow, I finally got out of the house and on to checking Facebook and blogging, and I'm feeling a bit better. The moments of indecision when I don't want to do anything because I can't decide what to do are annoying, but once I actually start doing something, it gets better. As, I'm pretty sure, any counselor would tell me to do, and I would counsel myself to do, too.

I babysat again last night - different family. This one was supposed to end earlier, and it did, but it was still pretty late for me to be out. And I was asked to work yesterday afternoon, too, so it was lots of work time. Cut down on the "free" time that I would have to decide how to use, but I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with life right now. Yay for over scheduling - and yes, I'm blaming myself for that, but still want to do both babysitting jobs. And Father's Day is this week. I'm wishing it was next week, but unfortunately, I can't change the day of the holiday. Oh, dear, I think I'm sounding complainy.

I wish my depression wasn't so strong. I wish I didn't have an anxiety disorder. I wish I could sleep all day, except that I don't even want to do that.

Anyway, I guess that's enough for now. The wind outside is really nice; just perfect since it isn't too strong. And that today is Saturday is nice.

I think one of the issues for me in choosing how to spend my time is that I really, really, really want to do whatever it would be that would help me feel better, get me out of the cloud of depression. I have so many hours to try to escape these feelings of ungroundedness and freefloating, not properly attatched to reality feeling. Well, at least that's the problem today. I want to feel better really badly (even though what I'm feeling now is tons better than how bad I have felt in the past). I feel confused and lost and half asleep. Oh, well.


  1. I think it's ok to take a day and complain once in awhile..I wish I didn't have anxiety and OCD. Sometimes I have to force myself out of the house and for a walk because i know it will make me feel better,,and sometimes I succumb to just having a rotten day. I don't want to give up to a bad day, but then even people who don't have depression/OCD have bad days, right?

  2. Thank you, Kristal Lynn. And that's a good reminder that everybody has bad days; I don't have to worry too much about that.

  3. Abigail, I didn't know anyone else felt like that--you don't know what to do with your time, so you consider going back to sleep. I get like that a lot. I think it's the depression. Even when depression gets better, I find that I still feel like that. I'm hoping the therapy I'm in will help that. And you did the right thing to go ahead and get some things done. I read your more recent post, and I'm glad you had a good day after all.