unreasonably rational

You know how sometimes your various interests end up interacting in surprising ways? Well, I was doing my homework when... (amazing how much of life can start that way) ... I learned that the study of acoustics of speech has been used in an investigation that indicates a possibility of recognizing between depressed versus non-depressed, and perhaps more importantly, depressed from suicidal people (the accuracy wasn't very good for a 100% perfectionist, but hey, it is a start) just by the acoustic properties of their speech, not their actual words. Here is a link that I was able to find thanks to my text book (that I was actually reading!) "Acoustical properties of speech as indicators of depression and suicidal risk" by France et al. It is actually pretty technical, considering I was only partially able to understand it after a month of study in a class on speech acoustics. But I found it exiting to see how mental illness and speech acoustics might relate.

I probably deserve the B that getting an 80% grade on an exam gives (could still change before the class is over, but that is what I got on the first exam). But I was relieved to see that the teacher was giving back some points for questions lots of people missed or that weren't quite clear. I'm back in A land. Barely, but there I am. I do wonder about how accurate the new grade is. I mean, if I really knew the information at an A level, wouldn't I have gotten a greater percentage right? And there my perfectionism comes and messes up a nice thing. Again. Wait, this was supposed to be a positive post. Let's rephrase that. I'm back to having an A- in both of my classes instead of having a B in one! Now for the rest of my good news. I finally went ahead and talked to my boss about working afternoons not working well for me. And it was okay! So soon I should be back to working mornings without coming back for afternoons. That was a relief. Now the positive part of...

You know when the deeper depression comes for a visit? How one moment I think, "How did I get this low (never mind the warning signals)?" Yet on the other hand, it is so familiar, it is as if I never left. I try to tell myself, it might just be for tonight. That happens sometimes, at least for me. I get some sleep and a new day and I'm back to my normal level of depression, the one that is somewhere between mild and moderate (I think), that I think of as so much better because it is so much better. So maybe tomorrow, I'll feel better. But for now, I will chronicle my sad struggle with depression and hours worked (at a paying job). I wanted to be able to tell my counselor tomorrow, "Oh, it worked out with me still working afternoons. It's fine." Or, if not that, "My psychiatrist agreed that I should stop working afternoons." You know, something definite that does not involve me being responsible for stopping working afternoons, or that at le...

My younger sister had her good bye dinner with my family. She's getting ready to get trained in teaching ESL (English as a Second Language) so she can be a missionary somewhere. My Dad asked her how it came about, and she told about how she felt God led her. Then I went home, and filled out some Spiritual Growth Assessment thingy. Which, of course, measures your Christian life based on some external and/or subjective symptoms of the stereotyped "good" Christian's spiritual health. For the record, my pastor has done an amazing job not turning this whole thing into a legalistic judgmental thing. But when I'm looking at the paperwork by myself... Well, it wasn't too bad, until I got to the part where you graph your spiritual level (once again, not in legalism levels, but the goal is for planning to intentionally grow in your spiritual life. Unfortunately, they do this by looking at certain stereotyped symptoms). Anyway, I colored in my blob of a Christian life...

Well, I write ... I can't say that word because I don't know how to spell it (don't worry, it wasn't a bad word). I write tiredly after a loong day at work. I wasn't really expecting my two afternoons a week to go past 8 hours total each day, but I was kind of wrong. The chances are somewhat half and half that I'll get out close to 8 hours or over. But I'm having a little trouble. Today was over, but my boss apologized, saying I shouldn't have been there that late. Ahhh. That's nice to know. But then what about Tuesday, when I also worked late? My counselor suggested that I enact my back-up plan to ask to go back to just mornings, since afternoons are giving me a bit extra struggle. The biggest issues? One, I hate making waves, and not working afternoons might mess things up, and a "might" is all I need, since I have OCD, to spike anxiety. The other? I was finally feeling like I was working "enough," like I wasn't wor...

Recently, my OCD has been giving me isolated OCD moments when I get really anxious, fight back, and then somehow forget. Like last night. I was picking up a dvd that cost 15 dollars. I asked if a check would be fine, and was told who to make it out to. Then I worried about if I would spell it right, if it would work. So then I got 15 dollars in cash (okay, now I see that the build up took several steps over twenty-four hours). So then, I put the $15 cash in an envelope with the name on the front (the spelling wouldn't matter this way), put a blank check in my pocket, in case the cash didn't work, and went to pick up the dvd. I requested it, and was told I owed $15. So I rechecked the envelope (which I did not seal just so that I could recheck it), observed the three 5 dollar bills, and handed it to the man. He looked at the name on the front and said that worked. He didn't recheck the 3 five dollar bills. He gave me the dvd and I walked out, slowly so that he could call me ...

I have several pieces of good news. One is: I got two of my three medications through patient assistance programs! I am so thankful for that. These two meds cost more than a hundred dollars each month with a prescription savings card but no insurance. So with this assistance, my medications wont cost more than my rent. :) Another good thing... I"m forgetting it... Still forgetting it. Well, yesterday, working morning and afternoon went well. I thought, I will be able to handle this. Then today was a rough day. Not so much the kids as me, at least at first. Then I got a bunch of kids, so anybody would be stressed. So part of me wonders if I had more trouble today because I worked long yesterday. I'm still worried about working two afternoons a week in addition to my mornings, but I'm mostly sticking with a somewhat worried, "I think it will work out." And I do. At least, I really, really, hope it will work out. Part of it is just that now I feel like I"m ...

Maybe I should get better at saying no. But at the same time, I want to help cover other people's shifts when they need/want it because on occasion, I like to take a day off, too. Planning ahead might help. Because I was looking forward to having this afternoon off. Then a coworker showed up singing the length of her to-do list that just had to be done this afternoon/evening, and my boss asked if I could stay late. So I did. But somehow, the balance of enough hours of work and too many is hard to find. Because when I work the afternoon, it doesn't mean finishing an 8 hour day. It means staying until they don't need me any more, which came to a 9 and a quarter hour day today as well as one of those last week. There was a reason I didn't say I could work every afternoon, okay? So I don't want 40 hours squished into two or three afternoons, okay? I'm holding out, so far, but I know that if my stress gets too high, my mood tends to go down, and I'm closer to ...

This morning, the OCD monster got up pretty close to when I did. I guess you could generally put it under scrupulosity. It has to do with relationships and being appropriate and fear of not being appropriate. How's that for a general specific definition? Because that's about as specific as I want to get right now. So I was like, "Bring it on. But I don't mean that I want OCD to bring it on, I mean that I'm ready to fight it." Since, obviously, I'd better define my statement, lest something bad happens. Oh, sneaky, was that you, OCD? I was fighting you in another area, and you aren't supposed to switch battle fields. Ha! I know you don't follow that rule. Anyway, I told myself I was probably one of those bad people planning on doing what my obsession thought I was at risk of doing. I tossed around the idea of trying exposure scripts later (I was getting ready for Church, so my time was limited). At the moment, I was actually planning to do the exp...

I keep getting healthier and healthier from my cold. I think I will ride this one out without needing to see the doctor or take antibiotics! Today, I saw my counselor again. The last few times, instead of wanting to cry near the end, I've ended feeling happy and ready for the world. But a little bit guilty. What if I'm wasting my counselor's time and generosity (the sliding scale rate she charges me)? But as I was typing, I remembered what you have told me before - it's her time and she does get a say in how she uses it. :) Besides, she told me today that she appreciates clients who keep their appointments faithfully (only canceling for sickness or something else reasonable) and who do homework between visits. So we see that my teacher's pet abilities transfer over to counseling. Show up, pay attention, do the work. Of course from my perspective, I see the homework that I didn't  do, while she sees the work I did do. On another note, I have succeeded in scar...

Well, I went to a New Members class at the latest church I've been attending. I'm definitely not ready for membership, but it was nice to get to know more about the church and the pastor. And he passed a couple more questions on my list. Maybe this will work out. That would be so nice. Not have to keep searching for a church "home." I still have a few more questions, but I really don't want to get the "wrong" answers, so I don't want to ask them too fast. I think it probably helps pastors give better answers when they know me a little better/over a little bit of time. Maybe it will help him give me the benefit of the doubt with mental illness if he's already seen me for several Sundays. I'm almost always late, but otherwise, I'm probably fairly normal, except I might ask more questions with specific answers in mind. Actually, I asked him about Sanctification, and he gave me a great answer, that included not understanding it all. What I ...