Where is that magic antidepressant medication that makes me feel better? Hey, wait, I was supposed to be on it, right? I was happy. I was enjoying life. I was working full time.
Well, I still am working full time.
But I'm overwhelmed. The good old, I don't want to go to bed because something (I don't know what, of course) isn't resolved. I suppose it is that sense that something is wrong. Hmm, wonder if it is depression or OCD.
Because recently I was thinking that it looked like depression, smelled like depression, tasted like depression, so it might be OCD. Or perhaps more likely, OCD fueling depression. What would I do without my two faithful companions who have gotten me through so many years, the sober depression and the agitated OCD? I mean, who can enjoy life for a whole year straight through? What a ridiculous thought.
Today's sermon was on that passage in Luke where Jesus said, "Blessed are ye that weep now, for ye shall laugh." The pastor said something about us not trying to get out of sad times - we didn't have to seek them, but we didn't need to try to get out of them. I'm probably not saying it right. But I wondered, no actually I thought, I think it is okay to try to get out of depression. I don't think we have to stay in sad things without trying to get out. Obviously, we have to get out appropriately, but we can try to get out. I'm not into meaningless suffering. I'm not into sitting around with depression if I can get rid of it (well, not into permanently sitting around; I do tend to do lots of sitting around when I'm depressed, though). I thought about asking the pastor about that, see if he agreed with me. But I didn't.
Well, I can hardly think straight because I am so tired and hungry (yes, I ate supper, but my stupid appetite came back). So good night for now. Thankfully I'm seeing my counselor this week, too, in addition to last week. I think I want to see her more frequently for a little bit.