Saturday, April 5, 2014

Migraines, budgetting, and OCD/depression spike

Recently, I've been getting these headaches that one doctor once called migraines. They have been usually hitting about an hour or two before I need to get up in the morning, waking me up. Then I take over-the-counter medication, eat something (in case hunger is part of the problem), and try to fall back asleep, which, thankfully, has been mostly working. The thing is, even with falling back to sleep, it is interrupting my sleep, leaving me extra tired. Being extra tired is like sending an invitation to the OCD and depression monsters. Not to mention plain old stress.

The plain old stress in a particular situation had me breaking down at work. Just one day. And the people were nice about it. But it was a red flag warning that I need more rest.

Then there is budgeting. Who likes budgeting? But the problem for me is that OCD/depression/cognitive distortions jump it. Thus, budgeting falls into the category of things that are a tad risky for me. More dangerous things include fasting and dieting. Because I don't want OCDish thinking to jump in there and give me eating disorderish thoughts. So I don't fast and I don't go on a strict diet. Apparently, I shouldn't go on a strict budget, either.

Because where can I try to cut down my spending? Food. And is that a good idea? No. Not for me. Because when I am stressed and vulnerable, it is easy for me to not feed myself well. And that becomes a vicious cycle. Feel bad, eat less, feel worse, eat less, feel worse, force myself to eat...

Not to mention "discretionary" spending. You know, things like buying a new water bottle that doesn't have mold in it that I can't get out. Technically, I don't NEED that, so maybe it is a sin to buy it. Good old Scrupulosity OCD. It just loves to come shopping with me. It gives me that "OCD exposure" feeling when I go to check out at the store. It threatens me when I come home and am torn between enjoying my purchases and putting myself down for buying what I did.

So, after two weeks of successful budgeting followed by three weeks of less-and-less successful budgeting (pay day was further away), I sadly give up my strict budget. It feels like failure. It feels sinful. I mean, shouldn't a good person in my situation (i.e. credit card debt and a tight budget) be budgeting, sacrificing my wants so that I can pay down my debt as fast as possible?

But no. It is time to take care of myself. Which means spending money sometimes. Money cannot be the driving force in my life, or it will drive me back towards OCD and depression. And that really isn't cost effective, if you know what I mean. Little things like doctors bills and lack of ability to work kind of get in the way of "monetary health." I suppose only in the extreme, and maybe that wouldn't happen. Maybe I can "deny myself" my desires and live a sad, cost-effective life. But I'm choosing not to go that way. My sad apologies to the people who think I should use my money better (even if "those people" are really just me).

4 comments:

  1. Hmm, I suspect "those people" are really only just you. Um, if your water bottle has mold in it, ah, yes you do NEED another one!

    I do believe we need to be responsible with our money. But, I also believe it's ok to use it for some enjoyment too. Life isn't all fun all the time, but what's a life that never has any fun in it? I don't think that is what God intends for our lives. Granted, many enjoyable things don't cost anything, but some of them do. And I really think it is ok. Moderation. Definitely the key to healthy living.

    I'm sorry about your headaches. Ugh, I get them all the time too. : (

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    1. Thank you! Um, I lived with my moldy water bottle for months. What difference does another month really make? :) Although my migraines mysteriously quit around the same time I used the clean water bottle... so maybe you are right!

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  2. I wish I could tell you to not be so hard on yourself, but I know it isn't that easy! I agree with Sunny about moderation and know you will figure it all out.......hope you are feeling better soon and can get more sleep!

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    1. Thank you. I'm sleeping better and feeling better now. And spending money again. My OCD thinks I'm being careless and wild. I've given up figuring it out for the moment. I'm pretty sure the casual observer would think I was doing okay with moderation. :)

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