Sunday, May 25, 2014


Perhaps you've heard the acronym HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I would add Stressed and Sick to it.

But currently, mine would be more like HLTS, hungry, lonely, tired, stressed. And annoyed, because I told my counselor when I saw her nearly two weeks ago that the way things are going, I should be depressed again in two weeks and fine in a month. I'm annoyed because it turns out I was right. But why?

Hungry - my schedule got mixed up, working late on Wednesday and Thursday and then staying up late (like I'm doing right now) with the weekend, which is longer, so I am more messed up. Tired, for the same reasons, plus not being able to fall asleep last night when I wanted to at midnight (which probably explains my extreme hesitance towards going to bed tonight even though I really, really need sleep. Lonely. It is a long weekend. And I keep eying people's babies with a bit of jealously. I want my own baby. But I don't get that right now. I get my kids at work. And my guinea pig. Neither of which are the same as having your own baby.

And stressed. At work, we are switching from the school-year schedule to the summer schedule. This includes kids moving around to different classes. And since I decided to switch age groups, I'm also switching classrooms (still not sure what room I will be in for the summer). And back to switching age groups, that is something. I've been caring for 1 and 2-year-olds for 5 and a half years. Switching to 3 and 4 year olds is, well, a change. I'm very much looking forward to it. But it is still a change. I just sorted through my large collection of board books at home, setting aside the more baby-ish ones and keeping the ones I thought were still good for the three-year-olds. It is really exciting. Good stress.

Still stress.

Well, I'm going to make a try at sleeping. Sometimes it helps me not stress out as much about insomnia if I have a plan: If my normal routine fails, I can... lets see. I could turn on the tv and watch something fairly boring. I think that would actually work.

And then tomorrow, I'm having lunch with friends that I don't know very well. I'm looking forward to it, but also struggling with my anxiety about it.

Oh, and did I mention my dear, sweet, rusty old car? The one that needs to be repaired before I fill it with gas again, or there will likely be a nice puddle of expensive, wasted gas beneath my car again? And that I'm not in control of it's getting fixed? A friend's husband is going to fix it. When the right part is obtained. And schedules meet close enough. Out of my control, as I said. But the shop I went to already tried to fix it twice. Then I told them I would accept a refund, and they actually gave me one. So my bank account doesn't look bad, but my car... is a bit worrisome.

Anything else? No, just normal things like wondering how poorly I'm doing at caring for my guinea pig (I should clean his cage more often, for one thing...), getting down on myself for dropping my groceries on either side of the short path from my bed to the door and then leaving most of the stuff there, on either side of said path.

So it is time for the toolbox. We'll go for sleep first. I might be better in the morning. :)

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