Thursday, May 22, 2014

medication and "you can't save them all"

Well, I've got two things to say. The first is, despite how much psych meds seem to have helped me (after all, it is pretty hard to prove exactly what medication or therapy is responsible for what improvement), and despite my knowing others who have benefited from psych medication, and despite all I've read that supports psych medication, I still struggle when I come up against anti-medication proponents.

Could I be this healthy without medication? Could I have white-knuckled it back to health? Should I have? Should I stand only on ERP, exposing myself to misery so that I can be happy? And not just on a few things but on everything OCD has ever thrown my way, with all the strength it had pre-medication? It is tiring even to think of it.

And the answer? Who knows. I've chosen to include the medication route in my treatment. It isn't always easy. Then again, it can work great. But I am happy now, and that counts for something. It counts for a lot. People say, you wont always be happy. But that isn't the kind of happiness I mean. Well, it includes that. But what I mean is that feeling of not having an invisible elephant riding on your brain all the time. The sense that the world comes in color instead of just black and white - or just grays. The sense that I have value, along with the people around me. The feeling like I belong on earth, like I actually should be alive. Perhaps if you haven't lost and then regained this (or if you never had it and still haven't ever had it), then this doesn't seem so valuable and amazing and priceless. But I lost it. And I got it back. And I am SO, SO thankful. Medication is a risk well worth the chance to regain this after it is lost (or never was). At least to me. However, I could see someone mid-darkness, mid-depression not understanding. And I could see someone who had never lost this not understanding. And then, medication wont work for everyone. And also, I did go through lots of therapy on my way here.

One other thing was said to me today. That saying, "you can't save them all." Sounds cruel to a perfectionist. What? You mean I can't significantly help every single person in need around me? You mean that some people who I try to help wont be helped, or wont be helped as much?

Yeah. That is exactly what I mean. I'll still try to help people, as a friend, as a teacher, etc. I still will try for the most helpful results possible. But if I don't get an A in every endeavor, that is okay. That is life. Permission to fail when success is not really in my control. (And when success is in my control, too. I'm still human, and that is okay.)

1 comment:

  1. CBT/ERP + Medication = recovery. That is the formula for me. I'm not cured by any means, but oh yes the world has color again! And a giant weight has been lifted. And I don't care what anyone thinks about it. Not anymore. After they've experienced just a little bit of time in my previously untreated and un medicated brain, I suspect they would change their tune.