unreasonably rational

Well, i got a new-to-me car. And got my old car fixed. And I'm exhausted. The car search distracted me from my regular depression and anxiety. So now that I'm done, my old, familiar thoughts slowly filter back. At first they are like going back home or getting my old car back. They are normal, and i can actually recognize my life with them around. Then they slowly shift back to being irritating. That's just depressed thinking. Or, that's just my anxiety. Which leads to my more typical weariness as opposed to the weariness of finding and bargaining for a car, a situation that i knew would bring stress to even the most mentally healthy person out there. This morning, i got that trembly feeling that sometimes accompanies medication changes (or even taking medication late, which could be the explanation this time since i slept in). I cold hold my relaxed hand up and watch my fingers move slightly of their own accord. I find this exhausting. Maybe because i fight it, mayb...

I'm waiting to feel hungry for supper, but i keep eating more Easter candy. Somehow i think I'm working against myself here. The latest SNRI might possibly be working. It for sure seems to make me tired and more able to fall asleep. And then there is the monkey wrench. My dear old car broke. To the unsafe-to-drive point. To the point where the mechanic and my brother-in-law both suggest i begin looking for a new car. Now, my car is a very important part of my normal. It gives me the freedom to leave my apartment whenever i choose. It carries a collection of items that i either never brought into my apartment or that i intentionally keep in my car in case i need them while I'm out. But I'm looking to replace my car now. So part of me wants to search for this car with the tenacity of an obsessive compulsion.and another part of me wants to forget about it (avoidance, anyone?). And instead, I'm trying to strike a balance between searching for a car and giving my...

Words from Bill Gaither's song, "Because He Lives," are pretty popular among my Facebook friends right now. "Because he lives I can face tomorrow..." Basically, if i was a believer without depression or anxiety, it would be a lovely song. It still is a lovely song, but if I were to rewrite it today, it would go more like, " 'Because He Lives,' i will drag myself out of bed tomorrow even when i won't want to. Because he lives, I'll choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other, however slowly, but i won't quit, at least not permanently. And I'm going to trust Him despite all my feelings to the contrary and even feeling mad at Him, knowing that on some unforeseeable day in the future, either here or in heaven, my depression will lift and I'll be better able to appreciate that Jesus is alive again. I think you would have to turn it into a rap song to fit all those words in there. Actually, I've had a pretty good day. I ...

I recently melted down at church. I blame it on the medication. :) And someone took the time to talk to me and try to help. I'm pretty sure she won't find this blog at this point, but just in case; thank you. Your care meant a lot to me. And even though it got me thinking on things people have said to me that were very well meaning but perhaps a bit misinformed, i would far rather you say not quite the right thing than nothing at all. Actually, that is probably the most important point of this whole blog post. So feel free to stop reading now. A good question is, "are you okay?" "do you mind me asking what is wrong?" "what's wrong?" This is my opinion, of course, so others might feel differently about the question. But me? Even if i don't know what's wrong, I'd probably like to tell you that. It's a very frustrating problem not knowing what is wrong with me. And i might have a guess of what's wrong (I'm exhausted; i ...

Sometimes doing crafts helps. (I tried to upload a picture of my newest creation, but i failed several times and it is almost midnight.) (And I've started the new antidepressant and am on edge and think that might be the medication. This could be a placebo side effect. Actually, I'm surprised such placebo side effects aren't even more common, considering the distorted thinking characteristic of depression and anxiety.) Making an Easter basket helps, too. It might (not) surprise you, but my scrupulosity ocd (or my growing up experiences as seen through a child's distorting eyes - i.e. what i learned may not have between what was intended) does not approve of my having an Easter basket or candy-filled eggs. And the stuffed lamby on top might be even worse. But me? I'm getting some pleasure out of it, which is pretty valuable right now. (I also tried uploading a picture of my cute Easter basket with a stuffed lamby on top, but i failed at that several times. O...

I've swallowed the first dose of my latest antidepressant medication. Because i can't remember what I've already written on my blog and because my phone is not loading did previous posts for me to check, I'll back up a bit. The last medication that i was on, i was on it for just under two weeks. It made me sick to my stomach, along with probably adding to my tiredness, and possibly messing with my mood in a negative way (more likely the side effects messed with my mood). So now I've been off of that antidepressant for a week and have picked up the next one my Dr prescribed. And now I've taken the first dose. Will it make me more tired or more awake? Should i take it in the morning or evening? Will it give me any of the standard side effects? Will it give me the opposite of the typical side effects? Will it help my depression? My anxiety? Will it do nothing at all? We'll have to wait and see. In the mean time, I think I'll test out whether or not it wil...

This morning, i actually woke up. Not just the half awake where you stumble through the morning routine with your head in a fog. Actually awake. Maybe a bit of my excessive sleepiness will go away as i get off of the last two antidepressant fails. Then again, I'm still sitting on my couch as the freshly dried laundry gets cold. And my bills sit beside me waiting to be paid. Which doesn't mean I'm not less sleepy (how about a triple negative). Just means my whole life didn't magically sort out in 24 hours. Which would make me suspicious. Well, one of the most recent things I've learned from The Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy Workbook (or whatever it's called; you get the idea) it's that i can intentionally do small tasks like picking up a few items around the house or paying bills to make myself feel better. I feel accomplished then, even if in just a small way. It is also a good distraction... I've used this technique to get past a crying spell ...