unreasonably rational

I'm using up time. On purpose. There was a time when I thought time was practically worth money. Now I spend money to get through the time. Because I'm not worried about the time or the money (false: I'm worried about too little money and too much time). My main goal is not to give in to the latest, greatest (more than a year old) depression thought. Sometimes I wish I could pull out the thought and put it on the floor and stomp on it, or something like that. Wish I could. But, as I told someone yesterday, this is my life [right now]. And, as I agreed with someone else, I'm hangin' in there. I don't like Halloween. Because my depression is particularly intrusive on this day. And because I'm scared of some costumed teenagers "trick"ing me. The darkness at "trickortreat" time doesn't help. Probably the fact that my family hid from the trickortreaters doesn't help either. We used to celebrate Reformation Day on this day, in honor...

The academic honesty policy was sent to all the students at my college. No big deal, right? I'm a diligent, honest student. With OCD. So then the what if-ing starts. What if I accidentally plagiarise and am kicked out of college! (Worst case scenario following the "what-if.") The associated ritual is very detailed and precise, but still won't guarantee that I haven't accidentally copied words that exist somewhere in the world. I know this might seem silly to some people, but it's OCD, so why be surprised at it's unlikeliness? First, I can worry. As if worrying about it will change anything. Then, I ponder sentences and wonder, did I hear this before? Over and over. One time (different college) I used one of those internet plagiarism catchers. It passed over the sentences I thought sounded "suspicious" and questioned phrases I was pretty sure were mine. I ended up crying in the writing lab, with a poor English teacher who had explained the ...

I now know why I shouldn't sleep thirteen and a half hours and then eat an inferior breakfast to my normal breakfast (the granola was gone and I didn't want oatmeal, so I came up with something else): the end result is me feeling exhausted. Of course, I'm not really repentful; that's thirteen and a half hours when I didn't have to think! The day is successfully shortened. The only problem is that now I feel like taking a nap (two hours after waking up).

Today I saw my counselor. It was nice. But I left wanting to cry. Which is a risk when I let myself express feelings and thoughts I usually try to push away. I had two good days in a row, and then came a grumpy morning. Work didn't change that. I even went to an exercise class. Afterwards, a nice older lady mentioned how it was so fun, didn't I think so? And I didn't really agree. But I explained, I'm just having a grumpy day. She responded, didn't the exercise class take away my grumpiness? And I answered, no. The poor lady looked a bit concerned and said, God's blessings on you. And I thanked her. If I'd been in her shoes, I might have said that. And also, I could really use some more of God's blessings. Back to today. I learned that comparing myself to others in depression recovery is as unhelpful as comparing myself to others who share my spiritual beliefs. Other people seem to be doing better than me. And I'm not extremely sick , well, not i...

Knowing some friends who keep their mascara until it is gone... I used it last week after letting it sit unused for possibly up to a year, probably a little under that. Now I have an itchy eye. Add OCD. "My eye itches. Maybe it is serious. Maybe it's not. Maybe I shouldn't work. Maybe I should work. It doesn't look that pink. But it does look a little pink. And it itches, since I'm thinking about it. Let's try to think about something else... it still itches.... and still itches.... it doesn't feel right..." And on and on and on. I'm thinking the fluvoxamine that I've been tapering off of is loosing its control on my OCD. There is another reason I think this. I have a particular OCD issue that really bothered me at work. I couldn't figure out how to get around it, because it just seemed to wrong not to follow my compulsions. (This is my reigning OCD symptom.) Then, after taking the fluvoxamine and getting more depressed... suddenly this o...

Even Mr. Psychiatrist thought that working on Saturdays, too, would be too much for me right now. I thought so. My counselor agreed. And so did Mr. Psychiatrist. So I don't feel so lazy. Well, in that particular circumstance. Last night I slept about 11 hours. I went to bed early because I didn't want to deal with my brain any longer. (I wasn't able to sleep early; I got some coloring done in a kids coloring book among other things.) Today it was nasty trying to get up. Basicly, I'm afraid that the short term results of doubling my antidepressant is greater depression. :( Is that just because it makes me more tired? Is it really because it's the weekend and has nothing to do with the antidepressant? Is it because my cold is still hanging on a bit? It isn't because of an antibiotic, because I'm not on one. Anyway, I've got some schoolwork to do. That should help me for a few minutes.

I realize that I have already written today. But this time I'm experimenting with the whole "think positive thoughts" advice. I will try to write a positive entry and see if it helps my mood. I like: Toddler art, especially finger painting with multiple colors. Sarcastic humor (but not just any sarcastic humor) Blogging Talking to my guinnea pig Watching movies at home Studying phonetics and transcribing into IPA font - i.e. specific symbols for each sound, not necessarily the same as how we would write in English. The book, "We're Going on a Bear Hunt" by Michael Rosen Trying to think of art activities for my toddlers to do based on this new "bear" theme Singing with the "big" (3 to 5 year old) kids A toddler's smile when their face lights up Music (well, many kinds of music) Being able to drive and having a car that works Computers that I can use at the library Eating supper with friends Dancing (again, certain kind...

I went to the doctor. I don't feel good. But so far, it is probably just a virus, a head cold. Yuck. We wont call it a bacteria until Friday, if it is still this bad. What? Feel this bad through the whole week? How am I gonna work? I'm just so tired. But maybe that is depression after all. Yuck. Let me just say that adding to sleep-twelve-hours-a-day depression some school stress and feeling sick with no immediate cure, and, well, the depression isn't very happy (or it is very happy? Does it like it when I'm depressed? No, I prefer the medical view of depression, remember? Depression, you are a medical problem. Oh, won't you please please please respond to medication???). Now I am chatty and depressed. Oh, great.

Saturday has arrived. My sore throat got worse. What shall we blame it on? Or shall I leave it a symptom with unknown cause? That sounds good. No, I want to blame it on allergies that I may or maynot have. That way I'm neither a walking germ machine nor having a dangerous reaction to something. Today my wish was to sleep most of the day. But I had schoolwork, so I only slept part of the day. I did make it to the exercise class I was planning to attend. But I thought I wanted to sleep after that. To me, the sleepy thing is a slightly less annoying symptom of depression than what I could be having. Of course, schoolwork brought out the worse parts. Why? Why, why, why? I suspect I should be writing part of a paper. I really don't want to. My throat hurts and I want to sleep. Maybe it is a virus, letting me justify 16 hours of sleep in one day. Why not? (Other than my counselor telling me not to. I guess that's a compelling reason not to.) Okay, let's go look at resea...

When I learned about numbers of words, I started counting the number of words or meaningful word parts (morphemes) that "my" kids said. "I jumping" would be three morphemes. And "ing" has grammatical meaning (I think it belongs in a category with a special name which I don't remember right now). Now, with the grammar class, my evaluation changes. So-and-so used "but" to connect two sentences; great conjunction usage! That child used a preposition. Oh, what fun. Aren't you jealous. Here is my short complaint about my college education (it comes up every once and awhile). Sometimes questions give away other questions' answers. When I get those right, it may not mean that I understand the material. It might only mean that I'm good with test-taking logic. Here is my second short complaint. Why do I get such high scores without working so hard for them (except for the defeat-the-depression-enough-to-do-a-little-schoolwork work, w...

Earlier this week (last week, technically), I was having a pretty hard time, so I called some people from my church. Today, I felt a little awkward knowing these people had seen me at my worst, or at least not at my best. But nothing too unnerving actually happened. In Sunday school, I decided to actually claim depression instead of "a health issue" when asking for prayer. That was scary, too. But I'm glad I did it. How will people be open about mental illness if no-one speaks first or earlier on? Maybe I have more to do with the perceived stigma than the people around me. Maybe being a little more open will let other people be a little more open, too. And, of course, there is the other factors involved for me, like really wanting prayer and having been with this group of people for a while and trusting them. Last weekend was hard, so I, with my great cognitive reasoning, am afraid of this weekend and Monday. But this week isn't last week. I'm sleeping more no...