Thursday, October 20, 2011

Today I saw my counselor. It was nice. But I left wanting to cry. Which is a risk when I let myself express feelings and thoughts I usually try to push away.

I had two good days in a row, and then came a grumpy morning. Work didn't change that. I even went to an exercise class. Afterwards, a nice older lady mentioned how it was so fun, didn't I think so? And I didn't really agree. But I explained, I'm just having a grumpy day. She responded, didn't the exercise class take away my grumpiness? And I answered, no. The poor lady looked a bit concerned and said, God's blessings on you. And I thanked her. If I'd been in her shoes, I might have said that. And also, I could really use some more of God's blessings.

Back to today. I learned that comparing myself to others in depression recovery is as unhelpful as comparing myself to others who share my spiritual beliefs. Other people seem to be doing better than me. And I'm not extremely sick, well, not in my own view. So why can't I be working full time like so-and-so. Why can't I be smiling like that? Why can't I be doing such a great job of following directions - so much of a great job that I eat healthy foods? And it's okay for someone to be struggling when they are just out of the hospital. Duh. But I've been out more than a year. Why can't I pull it together? Why won't my (insert derogatory term here) brain stop tormenting me! Why can't I find medications that really work like they are supposed to? (The jury still hasn't decided on my current medication; it's still a bit early for that.) Why can other people find them? It just isn't fair!

And then, what am I left with? I can grump and cry, but I still have the same wonderful (sarcastically spoken) task of making it through, one day at a time. It doesn't seem very noble. Maybe I should change my view and call it noble. Each day, I choose to get out of bed, I choose to eat, I choose to participate in activities that will help me or at least keep me in a safer place.

And I am looking forward to one thing that is more than two weeks away; I'm going to visit my sister in December!

2 comments:

  1. Karin says:

    I know what you mean. This week has been especially horrid for me ocd wise. In fact yest. evening as i was walking from my car to a belly dance class i was having the same thots as you- should i forget having hopes and dreams and just accept the fact that getting out of bed and dealing with ocd 1 day at a time is good enuf for me. That THAT is my future. And it should be enuf for me. ocd takes so much of my energy that maybe i'm wanting too much out of life.

    I don't know if that's just called acceptance of my disorder or if i'm having a bad week and hope will bounce back next week.

    Either way, ocd sure makes for an interesting ride thru life.

    Hang in there! All i know is that spirals work both ways. Giving in to ocd makes it easier to give in next time and not giving in to ocd makes it easier to have success next time. But knowing is not the same as doing.:(

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  2. Comparison always left me the deficient one, and I started noticing the pattern, the encompassing sense of my inadequacy, and it helped to think of it as a ritual. Being kind to myself made me anxious. It was definitely more ingrained to say "what is wrong with me? why can't I do this faster? I'm not really suffering." I do think it's noble to take care of yourself, and do things good for your mind, spirit and body--I know how hard it can be.

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