Today I saw my counselor. It was nice. But I left wanting to cry. Which is a risk when I let myself express feelings and thoughts I usually try to push away.
I had two good days in a row, and then came a grumpy morning. Work didn't change that. I even went to an exercise class. Afterwards, a nice older lady mentioned how it was so fun, didn't I think so? And I didn't really agree. But I explained, I'm just having a grumpy day. She responded, didn't the exercise class take away my grumpiness? And I answered, no. The poor lady looked a bit concerned and said, God's blessings on you. And I thanked her. If I'd been in her shoes, I might have said that. And also, I could really use some more of God's blessings.
Back to today. I learned that comparing myself to others in depression recovery is as unhelpful as comparing myself to others who share my spiritual beliefs. Other people seem to be doing better than me. And I'm not extremely sick, well, not in my own view. So why can't I be working full time like so-and-so. Why can't I be smiling like that? Why can't I be doing such a great job of following directions - so much of a great job that I eat healthy foods? And it's okay for someone to be struggling when they are just out of the hospital. Duh. But I've been out more than a year. Why can't I pull it together? Why won't my (insert derogatory term here) brain stop tormenting me! Why can't I find medications that really work like they are supposed to? (The jury still hasn't decided on my current medication; it's still a bit early for that.) Why can other people find them? It just isn't fair!
And then, what am I left with? I can grump and cry, but I still have the same wonderful (sarcastically spoken) task of making it through, one day at a time. It doesn't seem very noble. Maybe I should change my view and call it noble. Each day, I choose to get out of bed, I choose to eat, I choose to participate in activities that will help me or at least keep me in a safer place.
And I am looking forward to one thing that is more than two weeks away; I'm going to visit my sister in December!