Monday, October 31, 2011

time

I'm using up time. On purpose. There was a time when I thought time was practically worth money. Now I spend money to get through the time. Because I'm not worried about the time or the money (false: I'm worried about too little money and too much time). My main goal is not to give in to the latest, greatest (more than a year old) depression thought. Sometimes I wish I could pull out the thought and put it on the floor and stomp on it, or something like that. Wish I could. But, as I told someone yesterday, this is my life [right now]. And, as I agreed with someone else, I'm hangin' in there.

I don't like Halloween. Because my depression is particularly intrusive on this day. And because I'm scared of some costumed teenagers "trick"ing me. The darkness at "trickortreat" time doesn't help. Probably the fact that my family hid from the trickortreaters doesn't help either.

We used to celebrate Reformation Day on this day, in honor of Martin Luther's 95 Theses (or whatever the plural of thesis is). I'm very grateful for Martin Luther's work and respect those 95 Theses, but I'm not celebrating that today and pretending it's not Halloween.

Oooh, poor scrupulosity OCD. I might as well have pulled it out and stomped on it.

I carved a pumpkin for the first time in my (remembered, at least) life. (We see that the scrupulosity OCD maintains the excessive concern about truthfulness, even as it quietly endures "sinful" Halloween behavior.)

And I wore a costume. A princess costume. Because I didn't get to dress up as a princess for Halloween when I was a girl (for Reformation Day, I think we once did imitation clothing from that time in history - but wait; I might not have dressed up - too much like Halloween). Anyway, I'm a pink princess. So there.

(Maybe I'm being rebellious.)

Oh, hello there, OCD. What a surprise (NOT).

(Ah, yes, good to see you, too, but I'd rather you shut up and be miserable.)

Really? How interesting. Duly noted. Now I have a blog post to continue writing.

(You ARE writing. Maybe we could frame that as a lie somehow... do be sure to add enough maybes.)

"Maybe"... you should be quiet.

(I know. Ha ha. Which is like a witches cackle, which relates to sin, which relates to you failing miserably in your holiness by celebrating such a dark holiday as Halloween. By the way, Depression has a good idea, there. You should take him up on the idea.)

Shut up.

And so I see that both "ocd" and "me" like to use the phrase, shut up. It isn't particularly effective, though. But "be quiet" just doesn't sound as good.

And time passes. Ahhh, lovely.

3 comments:

  1. Exactly. I also have Scrupulosity (religious and non-religious) and it is such a drag. It causes so much of my depression. I completely get it.

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  2. Telling OCD to shut up is an excellent time to say it!

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