unreasonably rational

So, I feel a little bad lamenting my weight when I know that other people have more trouble than I do. But here it is, anyway. I used to be the skinny one of my sisters. I think I was the lightest, too. It had to do with my build. I was built more skinny. I figured my figure would change - when I had a baby. Little did I know that it would actually change... when I took Escitalopram. My mom is helping with costumes for the musical. So last week, she handed me a dress to try on, saying it might be too big, but to try it anyway. It was almost-hold-your-breath small. "I'm heavier now," I told my mom. She agreed, commenting on noticing my shape had changed. And it really did. And I'd like to blame a little of it on just growing up - I wore my high school clothes for a while after high school. Actually, I'd like to blame all but 12 pounds on that. The twelve to fourteen pounds on top, however, I blame on escitalopram and myself. If only... If only what? I still ...

Last night, I was having (one of) my mid-twenties version of considering the difference between being a kid and being an adult. But then I started wondering if maybe I was really talking about the difference between having an anxiety disorder and not having one. I was considering fun. As a child, I remember dancing and getting ready for recitals and the big recital we did one year that my mom didn't like as well because it was too big and too fancy and we did it three times. I enjoyed it. For me, the fun still thoroughly overshadowed the drawbacks. Now, I'm in this show, and part of me is enjoying it, while part of me is stressing over it. Hence the anxiety disorder spin. Having fun is a lot more difficult when you add in various persistant (but at least some of them unlikely) fears. Suddenly, a "fun" activity is one that doesn't get swamped by anxiety. Okay, I think I'm getting too philosophical for my current mental state. Maybe it makes more sense at 10 o...

Friday. :) I love Friday, once I get off work. I have the weekend to breathe. Well, that and practice for the musical. I think I can call that my exposure therapy for until the show is done. It isn't all OCD, at least I don't think it is. Its being there with people. It's wondering what people are thinking of me. It's wishing I was home and could go to bed or do something alone in the safety of my apartment (i.e. safe from other people's judgement - there are at least physical walls between me and any person who could disapprove). Its wondering why I can't learn the words and the dance faster. Its trying not to take criticism too personally. It's trying to improve without going overboard. It's enjoying a shared moment when another cast member lets me into their life for a moment (i.e., they acknowledge my presence with eye contact and they don't look upset that I'm there and they maybe even look friendly). It's enjoying the music and then get...

I have reached day three of my current mysterious illness. True to form (i.e., true to my previous patterns of behavior), I lived the first day in the mental haze that a cold/flu mercifully drops over me at the beginning (nice break from depression and anxiety). The second day, I lived somewhere in between, and the third day, I started wondering if I was making it up. Welcome to life in my brain. Well, I'm pretty positive I wasn't making it up Sunday or even Monday, so that just leaves today to wonder about. And if I'd just eat right, would it all go away? That is a puzzling question coming out of a stomach upset. See, not being all knowledgeable, I don't know the exact moment to switch from eating toast to eating pizza. I think I usually do it too fast, but also usually worry that part of my stomach trouble isn't because I'm sick but rather because I'm eating wrong or anxious or whatever. Um, now I"m distracted. Okay, so Sunny's comment on my...

I really do better in the morning. I mean, aside from the fact that I have to pry my eyes open and set several alarms in multiple places to get myself awake. Aside from the fact that I might still be trying to keep my eyes open two hours later. Some of it could be not getting enough sleep. I would like to blame some of it on medication side effects, because I think that has made it worse. But regardless of all that, I still tend to have a better mood in the morning. By 9:30 at night when we finish rehearsing for the musical? The better mood may well have slipped away. Then there is the awkward "goodbye hug" that seems to be quite cultural with the teenagers in this theater program (at least here). Though I think hugs can be a good thing, they can stress me out - I'm talking about the everyday, ordinary hug. I wonder, did I do it right? What did the other person think? Blah, blah, blah. Oh, well, there's only so much time I want to spend lamenting this particular are...

Well, I suppose maybe I "ought" to be home practicing music for the musical I'm in. We're supposed to be "off book" tonight. I don't have a book, but I'm guessing they'd like for us to be off the written music, as well. Actually, I know they'd like that. But the thing is, I still don't even know all of the music. I have one under some semblance of control and two still to learn. Oh, well, what are they going to do? Take my music from my hands? And then what? I just can't sing it as well (not that I can sing them well anyway). Okay, I do wish I knew the music, but I ended up working this afternoon unexpectedly (that's my excuse). Blogging doesn't sound like such a noble excuse. I'm "taking care of myself." That sounds better. And I might still have half an hour to learn the other two songs (ha!)... Last night, I did talk to my counselor for a bit. Actually, I was mid-conversation with some other people when she...

The sky could be cloudy outside, just a blah cloud cover, and it might fit my mood. But that wouldn't make the sun painful enough, so it has to be more clear out there ... at least I think the sky is blue and it's pretty clear. Strange that I don't quite remember (I'm in the library now). There is one place where I can get sunburned all summer and not seem to get a tan to sufficiently protect me, and that is in my hair on my part line. Very annoying. I could wear a hat, but I don't think I like the way the hat looks... I'm not even sure about that. I guess I should get it out. When did I care that much how I looked anyway? And I dislike sunburn on the top of my head (but not enough to put sunscreen on). I went to counseling, and, well, we were running late. I got to talk to another person, hoping to give encouragement to another client. Someone did that for me my first year with this counselor. But then my private counseling time was short. So she (the counsel...

I don't even know what to write. There are a couple stressful issues that I probably shouldn't air on the blog (since the advice is not to post anything you wouldn't want up on a billboard for the world to see). Then there are other things. Like not feeling too good (not sick, just not feeling too good). Or loosing 5 hours a week in my work schedule since I'm now scheduled to come in an hour later. And being half an hour late for work because I gave into the "just one more moment of rest" temptation which turned out to be half an hour more sleep, up to the point when I should have arrived at work, not just woken up. So sleep-wise, a later schedule in the mornings should be good. Money-wise... I had a few good days last week. Luke maybe four or five in a row. No, wait, memory returning; 3 days in a row. Which is still pretty good. I even went out to visit my family yesterday. I had a good time. My house is a terrible wreck. I don't have any more clean f...

You wouldn't think that OCD could do anything at all to putting a puzzle together (the picture kind with 100 or 500 pieces or whatever). I mean, what is there involved in putting a puzzle together? You just do it, right? Some of us faster, some of us slower (practice does make a difference, I once found out), maybe even "better" or slower strategies. But OCD and worrying about lying? Yeah, it is there, too. Have you ever opened a puzzle - even brand new ones - and found two pieces still together? Well, it might be a "lie" if I leave them together, because then I wouldn't have actually put the puzzle together by myself. Of course, there are actually two approaches to satisfying OCD. One would be to break apart all the pieces. Then, you might have to mix them up a bit, just so you don't cheat. The other way would be to word it very carefully whenever you spoke or possibly even thought about it. "Here is the puzzle I... put most of it together." ...

Today, I had my last psychiatrist visit before I loose health insurance. The good news is that I can still go see him for 15 minute med checks at a reasonable price. I won't go every month, though. I'll see him again in two months. Which isn't bad; I know other people have to wait longer. I did have a little meltdown at the end, though, feeling scared about not having insurance. And about one other thing; I don't want to feel this way forever. Mr. Psychiatrist didn't want to change my medication. He thought I was at a relatively good spot, and that things I am doing, like being in the musical and exercising and reading, will do more for me than if he tried adjusting my medications again. My translation, of course, ran along the lines of, what if this is as good as it gets . I agree; I am lots better. I don't want to kill myself all the time, or even much at all. (Stop a moment; that one sentence is worth SO MUCH. And now moving on...) I enjoy parts of each d...

I did get a part in the musical. Actually, I got two parts, and at least one appears to be a chorus part, the other is likely small as well. But I don't actually know much about the musical in the first place, so I know very little about the characters. All I know about the whole thing could fit in one paragraph. The first rehersal is Wednesday, though. :) I'm excited.

I revisited the church I went to last Sunday. I was excited until Sunday came, at which point the anxiety came back. The irritableness visited during the church service, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to go to Sunday school, not feeling like that. Instead, I picked up on a comment the pastor had made regarding how our country might be healthier if it followed God's laws. I decided to ask him about it. After all, I've only been there twice and I don't have that much to loose yet. I'd rather know up front if he judged mental illness to be because of sin. His answer was complicated, citing three categories of sin, one being like the blind man, who was blind so that God could be glorified when he was healed, not because of sin. The second was people who had sinned and that when God forgave their sin, they were healed. His examples here seemed too much like a correlation without proved causation, so I wasn't convinced. Thirdly, I forget. Maybe it was more genera...

I got off work early today. It isn't exactly ideal... but then again, it was nice. (In my line of work, sometimes things get slow and they send staff home when they don't need them; it was my turn to go home.) I took my car in for an oil change and brake fluid addition (mine is the sort of car that beeps at you when it thinks you should do something for it). I worked on a craft. I read a story - actually, I still have a tiny bit left of that. I ate lunch. Turns out apple butter is as good with ham lunch meat as I hoped - maybe better. I was still hungry, so I ate cereal. Now, I can't decide if it is the milk, the cereal, or my anxiety giving me an upset stomach afterwards. I worked up the courage to smell the milk and it doesn't smell like it's going bad, but it does smell just a little bit unusual. And I have an extremely picky stomach when it comes to milk. A pity that I like milk so much. Next week, I see my psychiatrist again. For the last time before my insur...

I splurged on colored duct tape. More encouraging to work with, don't you think? Doesn't look like it belongs in the white witch's stone castle ( The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe , C.S. Lewis) anymore. I got one of my books that I ordered in the mail. Not the one I most wanted to read right now, but the second one. Actually, when I got it, I read a little from the back (I already read some from the beginning before I purchased it). Then I just held it. I wanted that connection with proof that someone has been through a dark depression with doubts about God and spiritual things and came out the other side . The book? Loosing God: Clinging to Faith Through Doubt and Depression , by Matt Rogers. I can't exactly recommend it yet, since I haven't read the whole thing, but I've appreciated most of what I've read so far.

This morning went well. I mean, it was a relatively normal day at work and the sun was shining and nothing bothered me too much. I had good conversation with my boss (I always think this is a plus since I seem to have developed a beyond rational fear of anyone who could fire me). I had some small successes with my little kids. I got off work 30 minutes early! Which is lovely because I don't loose much pay but I get the little boost of getting off early . I went home, by which point I was too tired to want to prepare lunch. I would have blamed this on depression up until last counseling session when I complained of not wanting to make supper after a long bike ride. Apparently, that is actually a normal, human thing. So today, I thought to myself; I'm tired. I just came home from work, and it makes sense that I don't want to make lunch. So I grabbed out enough food to satisfy the part of my brain that decides if I'm eating enough (the part that doesn't agree with my f...

One of my current aspirations is to enter something into the local fair. Not this; don't worry. This was a practice round. So far my only practice round. As in, Abigail, if you really want to enter a duct tape creation into the fair, don't you think you should practice a bit more? These flowers and the vase were made of the cheapest duct tape I could find without going to more stores. Unfortunately, it is also the smelliest duct tape I have ever found. And it's not the main brand. I have a headache. I'm guessing it has something to do with eating "wrong" and watching too much TV and a video. I got drawn in to a TV show here that was a real life "who-done-it." And I didn't know until the end, and even then I wasn't 100% sure. There is too much room for a "what if" in the story. I visited a nice church this morning. The sermon was nice. I do have one concern, but it isn't about this place in particular. This is my concern; ...