grey

The sky could be cloudy outside, just a blah cloud cover, and it might fit my mood. But that wouldn't make the sun painful enough, so it has to be more clear out there ... at least I think the sky is blue and it's pretty clear. Strange that I don't quite remember (I'm in the library now). There is one place where I can get sunburned all summer and not seem to get a tan to sufficiently protect me, and that is in my hair on my part line. Very annoying. I could wear a hat, but I don't think I like the way the hat looks... I'm not even sure about that. I guess I should get it out. When did I care that much how I looked anyway? And I dislike sunburn on the top of my head (but not enough to put sunscreen on).

I went to counseling, and, well, we were running late. I got to talk to another person, hoping to give encouragement to another client. Someone did that for me my first year with this counselor. But then my private counseling time was short. So she (the counselor) offered to call me later this afternoon. But what would I say? I wondered. I'm still wondering, but see my persistant hope in miracles? I asked her to go ahead and call me anyway. Because maybe this time I will have some breakthrough in understanding and my life will get immediately better and more enjoyable.

I don't even know what healthy feels like. Is this healthy? Is it still depressed? Is it anxious? Probably, since I'm asking so many questions. Will it get better? Will it get worse? Will it start interfering with my life more? Will I be able to sleep better tonight? Am I really not getting as good a sleep most nights now, or am I just making that up? Do I even have a "right" to hope for nights without bad dreams (that usually are disturbing, not scarey, and I often forget them, though sometimes the disturbed mood sticks around)? If I went to bed earlier, would I feel better? If I exercised more, would I feel better? If I hadn't skipped lunch, would I feel better? If I hadn't gotten so angry about something that happened at work, would I feel better? And then I stack up all the irritations at work into one big problem to rant about. To myself, of course. I'm still very good at not sharing my feelings at work, which isn't always good.

I don't even know what I want. I don't know what's wrong. It's just this feeling or something, and I want to figure it out. So in a sense, it seems like I'm present in the present, but I'm so focused on trying to figure out this mysterious disturbing mood that it isn't really helpful for normal life. Sometimes, if I have a good cry, I'm ready to move on. Or I could loose myself in a book and not deal with the feeling until I surfaced for air.

Maybe it's anxiety. About what? About everything that has made me anxious in the past little while and stacked up into a general disturbed feeling. I'll let go of each issue in a sense; I know I can't solve my anxiety on most of the issues. But maybe the vague feeling adds up and becomes a problem.

Or is it depression? Which I'm not supposed to ask about if I'm really depressed. Only, I think I might have managed to ask it sometimes when I was hospitalized, so go figure, I'm a mess of confusion and anxiety and depression sometimes. That or you could say I have a "gift" for questioning a million things. I think it could be depression.

I think I convinced myself that I was doing better, because I am, but then maybe I decided that meant better than I actually am, and then I didn't give myself enough leeway, and then I wonder why I'm feeling as bad as I still am (even though hands down it could be worse.

Okay, Mrs. Counselor/Therapist, I wrote it out. Then what?

Ah, the mysterious "then what."

I don't have the answer, so how about going for distraction and/or making supper. No, making supper will be too much work. I'm already sure of it. Even before deciding what I'm having. Maybe I should stop at the store and get a pizza. Would that make me happy? Maybe sort of. As happy as I can be while still having to eat. Okay, I have a plan, involving going and finding a book to read and then getting pizza. Happy Thursday, everyone.

Wait; what about the whole, how's talking to my counselor going to help anything, question? I don't want to waste our time. Don't I already know what I need to do? The one foot in front of the other thing? So all I have to do is do it, right? How's counseling supposed to help? Or is it just for helping me feel less alone in my fight. I guess that would be worth it, too, huh.