Tuesday, July 24, 2012

illness and health

I have reached day three of my current mysterious illness. True to form (i.e., true to my previous patterns of behavior), I lived the first day in the mental haze that a cold/flu mercifully drops over me at the beginning (nice break from depression and anxiety). The second day, I lived somewhere in between, and the third day, I started wondering if I was making it up. Welcome to life in my brain.

Well, I'm pretty positive I wasn't making it up Sunday or even Monday, so that just leaves today to wonder about. And if I'd just eat right, would it all go away? That is a puzzling question coming out of a stomach upset. See, not being all knowledgeable, I don't know the exact moment to switch from eating toast to eating pizza. I think I usually do it too fast, but also usually worry that part of my stomach trouble isn't because I'm sick but rather because I'm eating wrong or anxious or whatever.

Um, now I"m distracted.

Okay, so Sunny's comment on my last post got me thinking about how, when things get tough, I think I must have made the wrong decision. My depression got worse and I struggles when I took three classes last semester, so I concluded that I made the wrong decision. I'm struggling with all involved in being in this musical, so I think maybe I made a mistake deciding to go ahead and try. But that isn't always so. I know in my mind that the "right" choice doesn't always turn out to be the easiest, but when real life comes, I wonder. My depression gets worse, so I think it must be my fault, so I look for what I did "wrong." Adding too much stress is an easy thing to blame. But I'm not actually in control of all the situations going on in my life. I didn't choose to get my hours cut at work. I didn't choose to get whatever stomach bug/cold thing I got this weekend. I didn't choose certain key factors in my struggles regarding church. I didn't choose my genetic predisposition to depression and OCD. I didn't choose to need a long time to figure out the right medication (ha, what a ridiculous thought!).

Actually, right now I'm feeling better depression-wise. I'm just pulling out of my cold/flu-numbed state, so that could be part of it. I'm on the upswing of the teeter-totter I seem to be riding regarding the state of my mental health. It goes like this. I'm healthy... - ...I'm depressed and anxious... - .... I'm healthy... - ... I'm healthy, so why can't I handle life... ....I'm depressed and anxious... I'm doing better... .... I must be healthy.... ....so why can't I handle life... ...I'm anxious... And depressed... But I"m feeling better than I used to be... On and on. Then, on top of it, I hypothesize that if I just stopped thinking about it that the teeter-totter would stop. I am, therefore I think, therefore I am, therefore I think, therefore I am, therefore - couldn't we think about something else?

I ordered character shoes in the mail. These are (for people like me three weeks ago who didn't know) - at least for ladies, it seems like - high-heeled dance shoes. These are also going to be my first pair of high heeled shoes at all. And I'm going to dance in them. I tried to express my concern to another dancer, but she didn't get caught up in my mental anxiety and brushed it off, saying it wasn't hard; I'd do fine. Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting them because I got to justify spending money on them (job hours cut, not to mention financial state before that happened, and I'm trying to cut down on my spending money for "fun") and because they are new and new to me, and because they are coming in the mail. All very exciting. And they are black, and they should look nice, and I can wear them around my apartment as I get used to them, and they might make me feel "grown-up" like wearing clip-on earings (this has a simultaneous kid-like and adult-like association due to the fact that the earings are clip-ons but some of them actually look like real earings and then I feel more like the adult I am).

Speaking of earrings, does anyone else have OCD trouble with the whole thing? First take scrupulosity. Some people think... well, I've heard earrings being seen as a sign of slavery, and I'm not into the whole being-a-slave-to-my-husband thing (and I'm not married, either). Forget that. Kind of an old, dead OCD issue for me now - well, mostly dead. Then take the spending of money. Is it justified? Then take wearing heavy earrings; rumor has it they can stretch out your ear lobes. Is that not taking care of your body? Okay, even I see that one as lame. Stick to the spending money issue. How about the unnecessary risk of getting some blood-born disease? Now let's go straight to the germ issue; what about the risk? Now let's move on to the pain issue. It looks painful. And not just momentarily, but also while it heals. Okay, so the pain issue isn't OCD. And then, finally, the issue of wearing earrings around babies and toddlers. Hanging earrings are pretty much out for that job. I've watched little ones pull on earrings before. I will stick to trying to keep my glasses on my face. But what about the others? What if a piece falls off? What if someone eats it? And now, one of the less sensible parts of my OCD, what if they swallow a piece and no one knows. Somehow, to me, no one knowing, resulting in no-one doing whatever necessary to preserve life and health, is worse than it being traced to me. Okay, I'm pretty sure most of the OCD issues don't hold enough water. So what stops me? The pain, the germs, and the money. So there. Oh, yes, and I do realize I'm only talking about 25 or 35 dollars here. :)


  1. I'm sorry you've been sick and hope you feel better soon. I know it's no fun.

    I tend to question my decisions a lot. But sometimes it's hard to know if a decision was really the wrong one. So many factors come into play in how things turn out.

    I have pierced ears. I got them done when I was about 12. I don't have OCD surrounding them, except I do worry about dropping an earring or the back of one and my cats eating it. But it's not enough to keep me from wearing them. That's just my experience.

    Enjoy your new shoes when you get them--they sound like fun!

  2. Oh.. I hope you feel better real soon.