Monday, July 2, 2012

This morning went well. I mean, it was a relatively normal day at work and the sun was shining and nothing bothered me too much. I had good conversation with my boss (I always think this is a plus since I seem to have developed a beyond rational fear of anyone who could fire me). I had some small successes with my little kids. I got off work 30 minutes early! Which is lovely because I don't loose much pay but I get the little boost of getting off early. I went home, by which point I was too tired to want to prepare lunch. I would have blamed this on depression up until last counseling session when I complained of not wanting to make supper after a long bike ride. Apparently, that is actually a normal, human thing. So today, I thought to myself; I'm tired. I just came home from work, and it makes sense that I don't want to make lunch. So I grabbed out enough food to satisfy the part of my brain that decides if I'm eating enough (the part that doesn't agree with my fickle apatite), and played computer games while I ate. Then computer games turned into getting really tired (nap time tired), and then I gave in to a half hour nap. Haha. Those only work on rare occasions. Normally, I end up resetting the alarm for later, turning even that off, and sleeping as long as I want.

Which presents the "you slept for three hours until around 4:30 and how do you expect to fall asleep tonight?" issue. Not to mention the "You were feeling so great; why did you go and take a stupidly long nap? Are you secretly depressed?" issue (remember; my OCD or my perfectionism or my not-so-wise brain really wants to always know exactly how depressed I am).

But I managed supper and an exercise class. This would be the class that let's me know that I still have lots of room to get more in shape. Never mind the 7 miles of bike riding one day last week, or the rides yesterday. Never mind the other Zumba class. This teacher's classes push me. Even though I simplify them. I took dance for several years, which helps in Zumba class in two ways; I probably can pick up the routine faster, and I know how to simplify. Mostly, I avoid jumping. Never make both feet leave the floor at the same time. You can bounce, but jumping gets hard. When I get my version of really in shape, then I can try to push it and jump a few more times than I would otherwise, still much less than the instructor and half the people (or more than half; either they don't know how to simplify and think they have to jump when the teacher does, or they have more energy or perseverance than I do, and I'm guessing it's the former reason for the most part. Has it even ocured to them to simplify?). But don't worry; I have a noble excuse (that remains an excuse and not usually my real reason); I am adjusting the routines to be lower impact. I'm saving my knees.

And now I am on to procrastinating. If I stay up really late, I won't have to experience the "I'm having trouble falling asleep" effect. Really, it isn't as terrible as I make it out to be to not fall asleep until an hour after turning out the light. Hey, I did that much of my life. But after part of my really bad depression spell - the part that landed me in the hospital, where I still had trouble sleeping - I'm scared of that "can't fall asleep" feeling. I suppose I catastrophize, thinking that if I loose too much sleep, I'll fall apart. Of course, my brain actually thinks that is fact, the unknown being how much sleep I'd have to loose. But I do realize that I could loose an hour or two here and there and still be okay. I do anyways on nights when I stay up late.

I wanted to be in a play locally, but looking it up today, it looks like in addition to whatever I'd have to do if I got a part, I'd have to put at least 20 hours into other support work for the production. I don't think I can do that much. Being in the play might push it, but I don't know about adding even more. So maybe that dream will die (for this summer).

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