So, I feel a little bad lamenting my weight when I know that other people have more trouble than I do. But here it is, anyway.
I used to be the skinny one of my sisters. I think I was the lightest, too. It had to do with my build. I was built more skinny. I figured my figure would change - when I had a baby. Little did I know that it would actually change... when I took Escitalopram.
My mom is helping with costumes for the musical. So last week, she handed me a dress to try on, saying it might be too big, but to try it anyway. It was almost-hold-your-breath small. "I'm heavier now," I told my mom. She agreed, commenting on noticing my shape had changed. And it really did. And I'd like to blame a little of it on just growing up - I wore my high school clothes for a while after high school. Actually, I'd like to blame all but 12 pounds on that. The twelve to fourteen pounds on top, however, I blame on escitalopram and myself. If only...
If only what? I still don't like eating on more depressed days (though these days are growing fewer, at least for that symptom). I still sometimes have to make myself eat. And in fact, I used to eat frozen pizza just about every day, whereas now I only eat it more like twice a week. And I'm switching to light yogurt and even 1% milk (doesn't taste as good, and I think I'm tempted to drink more of it, negating the benefit). But the scale still slowwwwwlly climbs.
I haven't researched it, but I'm wondering if the medication changes the way my body works. It's hard to go from needing to feed myself pretty much anything I would eat to trying to avoid eating too much and thinking about the weight value of different foods. I used to need to eat enough fat just to make a meal stick for a couple hours and keep myself from feeling hungry sick. I still get hungry-sick sometimes, now. So it's just this big confusing mess, made big by... distorted thinking.
When I try to step back and think more reasonably, I know that 12 pounds isn't such a big deal. I'm just barely over the upper edge of what the internet generalizations say I should weigh based on my height. And before I gained weight, I decided that medication that helps my mental illness is more important to me than weighing too much. Those words are harder to stick with when they are tested. :) But let me give at least a little effort towards not catastrophizing. "And then I will gain more weight, and more and more and more, and it will be terrible, and I don't know why, and, oh; this sounds like an anxiety issue. Hmmm, I feel the anxiety fade as I recognize it for a distortion."