Tuesday, July 31, 2012

weight

So, I feel a little bad lamenting my weight when I know that other people have more trouble than I do. But here it is, anyway.

I used to be the skinny one of my sisters. I think I was the lightest, too. It had to do with my build. I was built more skinny. I figured my figure would change - when I had a baby. Little did I know that it would actually change... when I took Escitalopram.

My mom is helping with costumes for the musical. So last week, she handed me a dress to try on, saying it might be too big, but to try it anyway. It was almost-hold-your-breath small. "I'm heavier now," I told my mom. She agreed, commenting on noticing my shape had changed. And it really did. And I'd like to blame a little of it on just growing up - I wore my high school clothes for a while after high school. Actually, I'd like to blame all but 12 pounds on that. The twelve to fourteen pounds on top, however, I blame on escitalopram and myself. If only...

If only what? I still don't like eating on more depressed days (though these days are growing fewer, at least for that symptom). I still sometimes have to make myself eat. And in fact, I used to eat frozen pizza just about every day, whereas now I only eat it more like twice a week. And I'm switching to light yogurt and even 1% milk (doesn't taste as good, and I think I'm tempted to drink more of it, negating the benefit). But the scale still slowwwwwlly climbs.

I haven't researched it, but I'm wondering if the medication changes the way my body works. It's hard to go from needing to feed myself pretty much anything I would eat to trying to avoid eating too much and thinking about the weight value of different foods. I used to need to eat enough fat just to make a meal stick for a couple hours and keep myself from feeling hungry sick. I still get hungry-sick sometimes, now. So it's just this big confusing mess, made big by... distorted thinking.

When I try to step back and think more reasonably, I know that 12 pounds isn't such a big deal. I'm just barely over the upper edge of what the internet generalizations say I should weigh based on my height. And before I gained weight, I decided that medication that helps my mental illness is more important to me than weighing too much. Those words are harder to stick with when they are tested. :) But let me give at least a little effort towards not catastrophizing. "And then I will gain more weight, and more and more and more, and it will be terrible, and I don't know why, and, oh; this sounds like an anxiety issue. Hmmm, I feel the anxiety fade as I recognize it for a distortion."

6 comments:

  1. I think medication can definitely change the way your body works, food wise. When I was last on Prozac I felt hungry pretty much all the time.
    But I'm glad to hear that you're not having as much "depression non-eating." I've always gone with depression overeating myself, but I can see that both would be frustrating.

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    1. Thanks, Ann. I now get to learn personally that overeating is bothersome similarly to not wanting to eat.

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  2. I also take Escitalopram (Lexapro) and have for two years. Lately now that it is the only medication I am taking as opposed to two or three others with it, I have wondered if it is making me hungry.

    I get crazy hungry at odd times... especially before bed. I never act on it before bed because I have enough trouble sleeping, let alone trying to sleep after just having eaten. However, when I wake up in the morning, I do eat a hearty breakfast.

    I didn't know Lexapro caused weight gain. Hmmmmm.... not that I need any help gaining weight, for I can merely look at ice cream and gain weight :-) My doctor told me she gave me Lexapro because that was the medication I was least likely to gain weight on.

    12 pounds you say? How long did it take you to gain the 12 pounds? Maybe don't worry about losing it right now but just worry about not letting it climb any higher?

    I feel your frustration and I totally sympathize with you.

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    1. Thanks Elizabeth. The 12 pounds were gained in about 8 months... I think you are right about trying to maintain weight instead of lowering it. I don't want to go off the deep end trying to loose weight. I'm trying to eat more wisely.

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  3. I also take Lexapro. I don't know if it helped me gain weight, but I tend to eat more when I'm depressed and anxious.

    One thing I'm trying to do is focus more on healthy eating. I know I still need to cut calories more and move more, but it's helping me right now to focus more on the types of foods that I'm eating.

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    1. I'm trying to eat more healthy, as well - when I'm not busy eating something sweet. :) I think your "focus more on the types of foods" is a good idea. Thanks for sharing

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