Thursday, August 2, 2012

can I teach my brain something different than it already thinks?

Well, counseling day. My counselor said again, if I want to cut down to seeing her every other week, she really, truly would add me back in if I decided I needed to see her every week again. In my mind, that isn't guaranteed. I would loose my "spot." What if her available times weren't good for me? There's that what if word again.

I might be almost ready to cut down to every other week (counseling sessions). But I kind of want to start into the fall first. I'm concerned about - almost expecting, really - having a slump into worse depression when the fall comes, between school starting back up and the light slowly disappearing (that part has already started, but it will be more pronounced later). And thinking that my mood now - despite its short-comings - is too good to last. So I guess that would be a prediction, potentially a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I'm hoping my predicting suspicion proves false.

This week I learned something funny. My counselor smiled when I told her, but still said it was an profound thought. And this is it; I've worried about getting better from depression, so that I no longer had depression (we could add anxiety, too, but my worry and therefore my discussion will focus on depression). But then, I'm afraid that, when I don't have depression, I still wont be able to "handle life." Well, I got a little more specific, and here's what my fear boils down to: I'm afraid that I won't be depressed but will still be depressed (i.e., have all the symptoms of depression, indicating that in fact I was still depressed). Anyway, now that the profoundness of my oxymoron fear has come to light, maybe I can stop worrying about not being able to "handle" life by being depressed when I'm not depressed. (The following fears to their conclusion exercise revealed that I'm afraid I won't be depressed illness wise, so instead it will be all my fault then. You'd think I could leave off the "all my fault" thing by now, but no, it follows me around like my family's barn (and house) cat might, sometimes in plain sight, other times hiding.)

Here's another thing I need to learn. In my mind, for me to be "successful"ly healthy, I need to be able to work 40 hours a week. I don't work 40 hours a week now (at my job), so I'm not operating at successful rates, in my mind. It's okay for now, but not satisfactory long term. But what about school? That almost works for lowering the number of hours, but I'm doing hardly any school right now. My counselor keeps trying to tell me that I am working enough, between school and work and recovering from depression and all. She's probably right, too. So now to convince my brain of it.

Now, however, I am apologetically hungry. I ate a small lunch, and it is supper time. Goodnight!

1 comment:

  1. Abigail, I know what you mean about the "working enough" worry. I worry about that, too, though I work full time. I think it's a guilt that I'm not "accomplishing" enough. But there's nothing magical in 40 hours of work, and there's no set standard of "enough" that fits everyone. Going to school is like working, I think, and a job and school AND working on the depression/anxiety is a lot of work.