unreasonably rational

Some friends gave me a gift card, which was really so, so nice, because I can spend it on something "beautiful" like they told me to without feeling guilty that I'm not spending it on gas or something else that isn't even sold at that store. So I got a flower ring (on a really great, more than half off sale). Before that, my aunt gave me the frog ring for Christmas time. Together, they can be the princess and the frog story. And I'm really into jewelry just now, which, by the way, isn't exactly normal for me. I got a necklace from Target that is their "Be Brave" necklace, with the engraving, "I am always with you Be brave have courage and love life". The box is even better, if such a thing is possible. It says, "With the courage to live life comes the gift to love life." You can look it up on Target's website. I don't want to include a link, because that seems like the equivalent o...

Let me give the disclaimer/warning: You may or may not agree with me as I talk about what is controversial to some people. But you don't have to agree with me; it's a free country and OCD doesn't rule. So have a Merry weekend, whatever kind you choose to have. And if you want to skip this blog post, that's fine, too. :) My mom got pretty upset as a child trying to figure out how to celebrate Christmas in a way that served Jesus. So she and my dad and some others decided to celebrate it differently when I was little. They had a birthday party and we made a gift for people in need or did some service project, to be our "present" for Jesus. And as a kid, birthday parties are fun, but when you reach your teens, it isn't the same. And when the friends who used to celebrate the birthday party with you leave... and then when my church fell apart, part of it during Christmas time... And then Christmas was a painful thing for me. But I still had to deal with t...

Well, the answer is, no, I can't wear my frog ring on my finger for more than a couple hours without it starting to bother me. But it is a really cool ring, so I'm trying to tough it out. Yesterday, I was late for my psychiatrist appointment. Really late. But it wasn't so bad. I first started running late when I saw that getting my mood chart ready for the dr was taking me longer than I expected. Then I started pushing it on allowing plenty of time (typically an hour, as that is a nice round number). Because I worked SO hard (well, actually just plain hard) on my chart thing, I wanted to print it, so I cut 6 minutes into my hour getting it printed. Probably still okay, but snow was falling, and my "premonition" was to skip printing and just start driving. So maybe I was going to be guilty. I didn't know yet. Then, of course, I came to "road work" signs on the highway. But I assured myself that wouldn't hold me up long, since I had passed ...

Well, it seems to be a pattern. I write a really upbeat blog post, and then something goes wrong. Actually, things "go wrong" all the time. Anxiety is good at finding me here and there, even when it has receded enough to give me a good day or even a good several months. I suppose this is perfectionism faced with a challange. I'm not going to be perfectly happy. I'm not going to be perfectly healthy. I'm not going to go about my life perfectly. The perfect is in heaven and I'm not there yet. Rats. Of course, you already know that anxiety comes back. You already know that mental illness has ups and downs. So maybe it is just my OCD telling me, you'd better make sure your friends know you aren't cured, because A., that would be a lie, and you know how OCD feels about anything with the slightest possibility of being a lie, and B., if you say you are healthy, all your support system will melt before your very eyes, and you will have to struggle with the...

Wow, I've gone almost a week without posting. Probably has a bit to do with my being done with my two online courses for the semester. I don't have to do as much online, especially with deadlines. Prepare for sudden topic change. Back to mental health. I think one of the greatest "proofs" to me that depression and OCD are actually illnesses is what recovery for me is like. Take OCD. One of my worst (i.e., most disturbing to me) obsessions was up and running when I "fell apart" and started medication. Exposure Response Prevention was too stressful for me to do much with it with this particular obsession. Then came one of the med changes, and this issue has for the most part melted away. Since then, I've switched SSRIs a couple times, but this issue has never regained all the power it once held. My counselor pointed out that it could have to do with my therapy, and maybe it did, but how much this obsession bothered me followed by how much it just melte...

Now, for once, I wish for a private blog. I went to a shelter recently with some other people. I was just going to play guitar and sing, but ended up doing more. Anyway, the night went well. I got to talk to various people and enjoyed my time. Until the end. Combine late night with memories. Of being in a locked building, only I was locked inside. Of getting my evening meds from a caretaker. Of bed checks, of classes during the day, of my life out of control, of ... wordless feelings. Of my stay in the hospital. Every so often, I think about it. And I'm grateful for being able to go to the hospital when I was feeling so bad. I'm grateful  that I finally got to see a psychiatrist, and not just for one short visit. I'm grateful for the classes. And I'm still disturbed. I felt like it was a grown up version of a daycare like where I worked when I was on the outside. I felt for the nurses trying to take care of us all. I understood when they didn't have enou...

And now for a less serious post? Maybe? Today, I had hot chocolate with a friend, then went out to see the eagles! There were a number of people out with their cameras. It is tough to get a good picture, at least with my limited zoom camera. I think the third picture might be my best yet, though I haven't compared it with last time's photos. And I got my "exercise" while I was out walking and jogging to photograph birds and exercise. My walk back, the camera was off due to lack of battery power. That was nice, because it let me look at the eagles and appreciate them without subtracting from that in my quest to photograph them. (Though I was tempted to see if I could get in one more picture before the batteries completely died.) The sun has come out after a few days of rain and snow. Seems to be helping my mood. The therapy light does seem to help my mood, but it doesn't stop my mood from going down on cloudy days. I presume it helps me not go as far do...

Oh, that's an easy topic. Tell myself to spend more money on food and then go about preparing to do so. Paying bills Not paying bills Answering questions. Not answering questions. Getting mail (particularly if the mail has to do with money). (Not getting mail usually just makes me a tiny bit sad, not anxious. :D  ) Answering questions like what I might like for Christmas. And now, since it is possible that the person who asked will read this, please let me elaborate. I don't mind the question. Actually, sometimes it is nice, because it lets me ask for things that I haven't been able to justify buying for myself but that I'd really like. I just worry that I'll ask for the wrong thing, for something too expensive, for not what I really want, for someone to feel like they HAD to get me what I suggest, when really I just want them to take it as an idea they can like or turn aside. But rest assured, if I wasn't worrying about this, there would be some...

From Friday... "So, the joy of taking my medication early yesterday and now being over 24 hours without it today,... I just don't quite feel good. Just a little off, tense, emotional. Yeah, I remember when I tried to get off Seroquel a year and a half ago. Cold turkey from 300 mg, under doctor supervision, mind you. Anyway, we settled for going back on, but we kept it at 150 mg instead of 300 because I didn't seem to need the 300. Anyway, I should feel all better tomorrow." Yeah, it was (not) fun being off Seroquel for a few hours. I explained it to my mom as feeling like you are really really hungry so you are almost shakey and you could snap. She then was sympathetic and really nice about it and I didn't snap at her, either. Instead, I waited until almost 6 pm and took the Seroquel, happy to let her drive me to my brothers' dance recital and then spend the night at my family's house. And I am Oh, so thankful for Seroquel and whatever I'm on that is...