Sunday, December 16, 2012

a pattern

Well, it seems to be a pattern. I write a really upbeat blog post, and then something goes wrong. Actually, things "go wrong" all the time. Anxiety is good at finding me here and there, even when it has receded enough to give me a good day or even a good several months. I suppose this is perfectionism faced with a challange.

I'm not going to be perfectly happy. I'm not going to be perfectly healthy. I'm not going to go about my life perfectly. The perfect is in heaven and I'm not there yet. Rats.

Of course, you already know that anxiety comes back. You already know that mental illness has ups and downs. So maybe it is just my OCD telling me, you'd better make sure your friends know you aren't cured, because A., that would be a lie, and you know how OCD feels about anything with the slightest possibility of being a lie, and B., if you say you are healthy, all your support system will melt before your very eyes, and you will have to struggle with the rest of your mental illness all by yourself.

Never mind that this has been proven to be not true over and over again. Never mind that it defies logic that your friends would disappear when things were going well in your life and only be there for you when life is terribly difficult. Never mind that all or nothing thinking is almost always wrong. In this latest case, strike up the adrenaline band. Sound the physical alarm through yourself and prepare to fight or flee from the terrible shadows cast by the OCD monster.

Same song, just another verse.

On other topics, I am very happy that last night I chose not to park in my parking lot just in case it would snow too much so that I'd have to move my car for them to plow or risk being towed. I wanted to sleep in without worrying about it. So I did, and was awakened when my landlord knocked on the neighbor's door to ask him to move his vehicle. But I still got to sleep in, so I'm happy about that.

And I put that Rain-X stuff on my car windows and was happy with how easy it was to clean off my windows from the snow this morning.

And I found guinea pig food for less than half the price I've been paying for it, and timothy hay that costs little enough that maybe it would be okay to buy it again instead of picking it up off the barn floor at the feed store (I don't mind the picking up part; it is the asking for permission to pick it up that sends my anxiety high).

And I had a successful shopping trip today.

And so there are still lots of good things happening and lots of good feelings inside me around the various OCD and anxiety and depression issues that pop up.


  1. OCD, depression and anxiety do have their ups and downs, and it doesn't matter how much I know that, it still surprises me sometimes when I have a good period, and then a bad one. I like how you say you'll never be perfectly happy or healthy--a good reminder for all of us.

  2. I hate that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I know so well the "oh, I better not sound too upbeat because they might think I'm better than I am and I still have a long way to go."

    I empathize so much with this!

    I am glad that you are enjoying the good things, in and around the OCD/depression (I like how you said that).