From Friday... "So, the joy of taking my medication early yesterday and now being over 24 hours without it today,... I just don't quite feel good. Just a little off, tense, emotional. Yeah, I remember when I tried to get off Seroquel a year and a half ago. Cold turkey from 300 mg, under doctor supervision, mind you. Anyway, we settled for going back on, but we kept it at 150 mg instead of 300 because I didn't seem to need the 300. Anyway, I should feel all better tomorrow." Yeah, it was (not) fun being off Seroquel for a few hours. I explained it to my mom as feeling like you are really really hungry so you are almost shakey and you could snap. She then was sympathetic and really nice about it and I didn't snap at her, either. Instead, I waited until almost 6 pm and took the Seroquel, happy to let her drive me to my brothers' dance recital and then spend the night at my family's house.
And I am Oh, so thankful for Seroquel and whatever I'm on that is helping me. Because it seems that if my stress level stays low enough, I don't work too much, I eat regularly and properly enough, I sleep enough, I see my counselor, I take my medications, I do things for fun, and I sit with my therapy light enough, then I usually feel pretty good. Pretty amazingly good. As in, I can start to see why "normal" people aren't living their lives wishing to die.
It is amazingly wonderful not to have to fight thoughts of wishing to die so much any more. I mean, they'll still come up sometimes, if my anxiety gets spiked or I really need to eat something or I need to take medication or something, but usually, I'm doing pretty well. Thank you, God, so much.
So my life is lived within certain boundaries (food, work, stress level, medication, etc), and if I stay in them, I am more likely to live a more free life, more fully living. It is kind of like an oxymoron; if I submit to these restrictions, I am free, but if I go outside these restrictions, the depression and OCD are more likely to trap me, and the longer I'm outside of them, the more likely I'll have trouble. So... I should eat soon (only I've planned some shopping before I get home).