unreasonably rational

Recently, I was there when a pastor in front of a church actually said that it was okay for a person to get therapy and take medication. Of course, I'm not quoting exactly, and I may have way oversimplified what he said and I'm not giving you the context, either. But it meant the world to me. It was like finally feeling acquitted (well, I guess just from myself and/or my OCD and maybe a few people who have said things that hurt; I've never been on trial in a court of law). Do you know just how wonderful it felt? Wonderful enough that I actually got up the courage/persistence/whatever to actually wash and dry and put away all my dishes in my house. That may sound like a small thing to some people, but let me suggest that it hasn't happened in over a month, maybe multiple months (I don't know when the last time I washed them all was). My dish washing or lack there of is remarkably tied to my mental health. (My counselor even said that she uses dish washing as a gage o...

I said I wanted to play music at church about once a month. So this week was my week. But it was work this week. I'm going through my not so unusual weekend mood dip, but at least it is just a dip and not a plunge this weekend. I know I could have called and said I needed the day off playing music, but why? Would it have helped? Probably not. If I was playing every week, I'd have to reconsider, but I'm free now for another month, so all is well. Besides, I wanted to give the gift of a day off to some of the people who usually play every Sunday. I'm tired. I'm too warm, but that is a good thing, sort of. I got a new winter coat! (If you need one, this might be a good time to check the stores: mine was 80% off!) And I love my new coat and want to wear it, but it is very warm (I don't like to be cold), so since I'm wearing it inside, I'm very warm. Well, enjoy the rest of your weekend!

I went to some sort of political meeting, with State senators and representatives (i.e., to the State, not in the Federal Government). I made it through about an hour before I started feeling a really emotional response coming. Of course, they were talking about the health care legislation stuff. Each had their opinion, and each held it strongly. I made it so far before I got frustrated. What about the poor people? I wondered. But my response was just as emotional as everybody else's and not founded on thorough understanding, either. More founded on frustration. Once, at the Library, I found this book set out: Health care for some : rights and rationing in the United States since 1930 , by Beatrix Rebecca Hoffman. It had this remarkable insight; health care is not equally accessible right now. We worry about what new legislature might do, what choices it might take from patients' rights. How some people wont get the care that they should get if we have a socialized system. ...

I really think my medication dose change is working! That has me so happy. Even though I'm sick with a cold or sinus infection, my mood is mostly okay, which is like a miracle. The kind of miracle that works with science, not the kind that breaks scientific rules. Today, I got that irritating feeling that is great for cleaning out my belongings. I thought of getting rid of various things, but settled on cleaning out my shirts, pants, and videos and dvds. I actually sold some of my dvds to a store to resell! I haven't done that before, so it took some courage (I have anxiety issues, so that isn't a surprise). The rest went to the thrift store bearing the name of the organization that I've heard about helping people with mental illness and people needing help. As for shirts, I seem to have developed a tendency to just keep saving shirts. This time I told myself I should only have 7 of each kind of shirt. That leaves me more than enough, yet I still had a basket full...

I feel like I've run short on inspiration. I had a panicky beginning of the week on Tuesday when I panicked that I was behind on one of my group projects. Not really so logical looking back, but when I saw that the other two people had been talking Sunday and Monday and that I was just jumping in on Tuesday, I panicked, I guess that they would think I wasn't doing my part and that I would get kicked out of the group and fail the class because of it. Catastrophic thinking returns. Somehow I forgot or overlooked the whole clause about the instructor giving you the chance to do the whole project on your own if the group kicks you out. Oh, well. I tried to do too much Tuesday, which ended with me up very late at night since I hadn't taken enough time for myself (not schoolwork) earlier in the day. But then the rest of the week, things slowed back down. Now, I'm either on another cold or I got an almost instant sinus infection from allergies and perhaps leftover cold conge...

I think the main result so far in taking a higher dose of escitalopram is eating more. And it isn't just sugar! It is sitting in front of the TV and munching on carrots and sugar peas and more carrots and more sugar peas. Eating for the sake of eating. Of course, it could just be a coincidence, but what is the fun in that? Either way, I need to stop eating too much pie (the carrots and peas might not be so bad). School is going okay, as in, I'm making good progress this afternoon/evening. Almost done with my part of Group Project number 1. That might lessen my stress. Honesty OCD had some fun with me (I didn't enjoy it so much). I stated something I was 95% sure was true. Maybe even 97%. But I don't know for 100% sure, and that isn't even because I don't believe my eyes. I stated what happened the moment I wasn't looking as if I was looking (I looked right after the instant it happened). Totally unacceptable. So then the exposure fun of ...

Well, I got hold of my doctor. And his recommendation was what I expected; raise the SSRI dose (I wasn't at the upper limit of normal for this SSRI yet, since I seemed to be doing well enough before we reached the higher normal dose, so now I will be taking the higher normal dose). And call back in a week or two if I don't feel better. I plan on feeling better? No, can I really feel better? What a strange notion! I'm hoping, though. The stress from this semester doesn't seem to be receding like I had hoped. It is receding, just not as much as I'd like. The OCD plagiarizing scare turned into a more general anxiety infestation, which is better in that the emotional pain isn't as pointed, but worse in that I find it harder to counter attack. Nonetheless, I'll take the more spread-out, less disturbing anxiety instead of the OCD plagiarizing issue. Which I get to see how I'm doing on in a few moments when I summarize my research information.

I've decided it is time to call the psychiatrist. I'm more than a little sick of spending 5 or so days with super depressed thoughts followed by a couple days reprieve followed by more really depressed thinking. The days off are great; I'm not against those at all. But I finally concluded that the days with the really depressed thoughts are enough to be worth doing something about. Now I am distracted, though, so I want to stay distracted (this morning was not very nice). I'm doing research! Exciting stuff. Back to my decision. I'm concerned that when I actually can call my Dr. and contact him during business hours, my depression will sweetly hide until the weekend. It is tricky like that; only bug me when I can't do as much as I'd like to about it. But I'm not sure how well I'll be able to express the problem if I'm feeling better. Second thought, I can just tell him that my mood is fluctuating, leaving me with a number of more depressed d...