unreasonably rational

I got my car back. And here is something annoying: If I had gone ahead and let my friend put in the new battery we bought, I probably wouldn't have needed to get my car towed. See, we did this experiment where we tried to jump my car directly from his battery, not going through a battery in my own car, (i.e., the jumper cables connected from his car battery to the cables that would have connected to my car battery). The result? Nothing. So, not wanting to waste my $105-plus-tax dollars I had spent on my battery, we didn't put the new one in, just in case we wouldn't want it, because once you put it in, you can't return it. My choice didn't really make sense; we'd already gotten rid of the old battery (which I am still pretty confident was thoroughly dead). So I would need a new one. I was just afraid that if it was the wrong battery or something? Anyway, my friend talked to someone they knew who suggested putting the battery in, but by then I had already sched...

Today, my time limit isn't a library computer timer; it is the light outside. Because my car decided it needed a rest. An expensive rest, but cheap and fast enough that I wont ditch the car (as if I could afford a new-to-me one now, let alone repairs). So I've been accepting rides and asking for help and such things that are hard for me to do, but easier when I don't have so much choice in the matter. (Oh, and biking 5 miles one way to work is an option, but I'd rather accept a ride from a friend.) Seeing my counselor again yesterday, I was relieved that I was the one bringing up EMDR, not her. She suggested it, but I don't think she'll push for it much (unless I really go down hill). One interesting thing that came up in our session was this; the issue of people pleasing with a surprising other perspective (i.e., something other than how it is idolatry). Someone in my life was careful to pass on that people-pleasing was a trap. True, when carried to a...

It was great to see my counselor today. I thought I was having a pretty good day, but still ended up crying during my appointment. "And this is me on a good day," I told her. But she said, "No, I've seen you on a good day, and this is not it." I guess she was right. Especially since I often don't cry during appointments. Anyway, I also talked with my psychiatrist on the phone on Tuesday, and we have it settled so that I'll take a higher dose for part of the month and then go back to my regular SSRI dose for the rest of the month and see if that helps even out my rollercoaster. I did show my blogged "letter" to my doctor to my therapist, and she told me to mail it to my doctor. Except that she said I should clarify the ending. Apparently when I wrote that I was running out of time (meaning my allotted time on the library computer was just about up and the computer would soon shut me off), it sounded too much like I was running out of time he...

I added a tab to my blog, "Movie ratings for mental health." I might change the name to something better worded. But here is the idea: A friend and I were talking about how there should be warnings for movies that have suicide and mental hospitalizations and stuff like that in them. These can be triggers some of us want to avoid. Well, if you know of something like that; please share! I have no need to reinvent the wheel. But if there is no wheel yet, then this "Movie ratings for mental health" is my small attempt. There is probably a more efficient way to make such a thing, even just randomly on the internet, but oh, well, this is what I know how to do, and it is a start.

My therapist did call me back yesterday. She got permission for me to raise the dose on one medication, and she said that my psychiatrist would call me Monday. She said it would be helpful for him if I can tell him the exact days that I tend to go downhill and back uphill (since I think there is a pattern going on). Talk about a nerve-wracking proposal. I mean, a marriage proposal would qualify as more nerve-wracking, so maybe mine is a little petty. But to think of my doctor calling me, and my trying again to communicate over the phone what I apparently failed to communicate in person... And exact days? It is one thing when I am frustrated and tired and crying to inform my counselor that I'll probably start feeling better soon for about two weeks and then get worse again for another two weeks. But exactly? Oh, wait, she said "exact" in the normal interpretation, not the OCD version. What can I say? I've gone over it, but here it is again. Doctor, I've ha...

I'm glad I called my therapist. She talked with me about it (see previous post), and she offered to call my psychiatrist the next day (today). Some of my thoughts were not substantiated since I hadn't asked him particular questions. But I think I still present better than I might feel when I see the psychiatrist - actually, I tend to feel pretty good when I see him and only want to cry afterwards. Anyway, my hope was given a boost when I talked to her. And my anxiety was given another thing to bug me about. Did I say the right things, am I making too big a deal out of this, etc. But no problem; my anxiety mostly switched topics to my current virus. Saw my regular doctor again today. I wanted to know how contagious I am and what precautions I should be taking. So somewhat OCDish. But after talking to him, I have somewhat solved that issue (not OCDish, since OCD likes to keep bothering you after you get clarity on an issue). So I feel better about that. I plan to plant my g...

I was just over reading Tina's blog post relating to the seriousness of depression. Fits right in with my current thinking and reading. My current reading is Against Depression by Peter Kramer. And then my appointment with my psychiatrist. I showed him my pretty graphs of my mood. He noticed how my sleep was pretty steady. I'll agree on that. My sleep has improved to a pretty nice spot and held. Other than that? Guess what; I'm functional. Do you know what that means? It means that the doctor can say things like what he said, "Sometimes we use medication to keep you steady so that you can do the work in therapy." Uh-huh. Since, obviously, my mood is getting better from my therapy while the medication keeps me steadily in the never-never land between health and severe depression. My mood ratings are the same, whether I show the paper to my therapist or my psychiatrist. Face it! My mood has plateaued for the winter (i.e., since December), with ups and down...

I've been keeping a mood log since sometime last May, or maybe June. I've done it on the OpenOffice software similar to Excel. This means I can do cool stuff like make charts and graphs to see how my mood has swooped around over the last year. This last week, I found that you can also put in a trend line over your chart. This was neat, but disturbing. I used it over charts made from week averages for the last 10 or 11 months. I learned that: My depression at its best (each day, then averaged per week) is getting better. My depression at its worst (each day, then averaged per week) is getting worse. My anxiety is getting worse. My sleep time is increasing. My exercise time is decreasing. Or, in short, my worst is getting worse. So then I wonder if I'm using the same standards to judge my mood as I was using in May last year. After all, the mood ratings are subjective, done each day, or occasionally every few days. But what if anxiety that I called a 5 in May would ...

Do you ever start clicking back and forth from one window to another to another and back again in your internet browser? I do sometimes. It is irritating because it slows the computer down on top of being inefficient and basically a way for me to spin my wheels and get nowhere. Indecision? Absentmindedness? Forgetfulness? Who knows. Maybe it is visible evidence of my brain's decline as I try to multitask. Pardon me as I go check out the square foot gardening page again. Back again, while I wait for a new page to load. Anyway, I worked a 5 day work week, which is very good for my paycheck. And okay for me. Thursday, I thought it was my last day, so I had that encouragement through the (rough) morning. Then I got home and felt sad about what I was going to do with all my time with the long weekend, and then I got asked to work Friday. So that is just about perfect, especially since today was a pretty smooth day. Mood-wise, I feel all mixed up this week. Relieved one minute when...

I, who put off washing dishes like the plague, have been bitten by some sort of cleaning bug. Incidentally, it hasn't helped the dishes. What a pity. It has helped me throw out stacks and stacks of paper. Like tax papers from 5 plus years ago, that had disturbing OCD strings attached. I suppose it was a hidden compulsion. Save your papers so that if you ever need to go back and redo the tax papers you must have gotten wrong, you can. Year after year. Self torture. Well, them papers are in the garbage, with guinea pig cage-cleaning leftovers on top. And my papers from my time in Puerto Rico? Well, it only took me almost 6 years to face that closed door in my life. (I spent three trying to reopen it, before it was shut finally, and the next 3 years amusing myself - I mean working on dealing with OCD and depression, which is amusing, but is not always pleasant, though there are nice moments). So, I got my PR papers into ONE GIANT NOTEBOOK! Plus the paintings reproduced on cards, w...