Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Time to add a therapist?

It was great to see my counselor today. I thought I was having a pretty good day, but still ended up crying during my appointment. "And this is me on a good day," I told her. But she said, "No, I've seen you on a good day, and this is not it." I guess she was right. Especially since I often don't cry during appointments.

Anyway, I also talked with my psychiatrist on the phone on Tuesday, and we have it settled so that I'll take a higher dose for part of the month and then go back to my regular SSRI dose for the rest of the month and see if that helps even out my rollercoaster.

I did show my blogged "letter" to my doctor to my therapist, and she told me to mail it to my doctor. Except that she said I should clarify the ending. Apparently when I wrote that I was running out of time (meaning my allotted time on the library computer was just about up and the computer would soon shut me off), it sounded too much like I was running out of time here on earth. Which wasn't the case. At least, no more than it is the case for every living creature on the planet. So I'll mail that, even though the one time I brought in writing to show him, he turned it down, saying he wanted to hear how I was doing directly from me. The problem is, I'm not communicating it well enough in spoken words. So hopefully he will read my writing.

I also feel like a charity case now that he has reduced his rate so much for me. I'm afraid to suggest an appointment earlier than he does, because I don't want to take advantage of his offer. But that is getting in the way of my getting my needs met - and I don't mean to sound selfish; I just mean that for my sake and the sake of people around me (perhaps with the exception of my psychiatrist, who might "loose money" on me if I see him more or take more of his time), I want to recover as much health as possible.

Anyway, my blog title is really to try and have a catchy title, too see if more people will read it (truly, that is an interesting phenomenon that I try to observe; the better titles seem to get read more), but it is also because of this; my therapist suggested that EMDR might help me, only she isn't trained in it. I've only turned down two therapists who are trained in EMDR so far. And I don't intend to go back to them. But I'm reluctantly planning to investigate the matter again.

Because I'm really frustrated. I'm nearing the third year mark with therapy, and I want to have gotten further. I'm a little afraid that I've gotten stuck in a rut with my current therapist, who I trust lots, who understands me pretty well, and who is pretty good with OCD and exposure response prevention.

Anyway, she said I could think of it as adding a therapist instead of switching therapists. I don't have to stop seeing her. I could see her in the middle, or call, or go back to seeing her afterwards.

Anyway, once again I'm running out of time (on this computer reservation at the library before the computer shuts down on me), so I need to wrap up: Do any of you have experience with EMDR, either positive or negative or neutral? Anything? Or any other type of therapy other than cognitive and behavioral? Thanks in advance for any input.

8 comments:

  1. I'm glad you'll mail the blog letter to your doctor.

    I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Elizabeth. I sent my letter Monday

      Delete
  2. Abigail, I think I express myself better in writing, too. I can't always find the right words when I'm actually sitting down with my psychiatrist or therapist.

    I don't know anything about EMDR. My therapist is using CBASP therapy for my chronic depression. It focuses on specific experiences and how I handled them. I've written about it some on my blog, with keyword CBASP. It's very helpful in getting at the anger and feelings of helplessness tha underlie my chronic depression.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Tina, and thanks for sharing your experience with CBASP.

      I think next time I might bring in my writing to my psychiatrist appointment - maybe if I read it to him, he will be okay with it.

      Delete
  3. I'm so sorry to hear the doctor didn't agree to read what you had written. Maybe they didn't realize that it is difficult for you to say everything you want to say in person? I imagine that if the doctor really understood that you had that kind of difficulty, they would be happy to read what you wrote. If they understand your situation but still refuse, they are not doing their job.

    I hadn't heard of EMDR before. I looked around online, and apparently it works, though it is controversial whether it works better than other kinds of PTSD therapy.

    I'm sorry that you have to go through this stressful process of evaluating what combination of therapists and treatments are best. We worry about enough already!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Sam. Maybe if I specifically explain how I do better with writing than straight talking when trying to communicate harder things he will be more understanding. Or if I read it to him instead of asking him to read it.

      Yeah, I've been researching, too, and though EMDR has support, when applied to depression instead of PTSD, I've had a harder time getting information (except from websites dedicated to EMDR, not a more broad approach).

      Delete
  4. Ugh, I'm going through some similar stuff regarding (1) finding the right therapist/medication combo (2) feeling horrible self-doubt regarding my mental illness. Sometimes I just kick myself over-and-over, ruminating about all the ways in which I could be lying to everyone (including myself) about having OCD. I also constantly think about an experience When I was fist diagnosed; I was dealing with a lot of harm-O and fears about developing personality disorders, becoming a psychopath, etc. I reluctantly confessed these concerns to the therapist for whom I had become attached, that I was worried about going crazy killing her AND that I thought I might have a borderline personality....Her response was to shut down emotionally and abruptly terminated me. Woops! Not a confidence builder! I have a lot of shame surrounding rejections--which I inevitably perceive to be my own fault. I always think I must have done something inappropriate to deserve my lonely fate. This particular rejection has given me lots of angst as well as doubt about finding another therapist because I am afraid I will horrify him/her too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have you looked for a therapist through the International OCD Foundation website (www.ocfoundation.org)? That is how I found my therapist. I would think that a therapist specializing in OCD and Exposure Response Prevention therapy would be more understanding regarding your obsessions. Harm OCD is nasty - I've had a form of it, and I was scared to admit mine. Actually, that particular obsession is one that I'm very careful about sharing due to concern about misunderstanding.

      I've also worried about having other disorders, like schizophrenia and bipolar. I think obsessing about whether or not you have OCD is not unusual for those of us with that disorder.

      Thanks for commenting, and I wish you well on your pursuit of mental health!

      Delete