unreasonably rational

Today, I saw my psychiatrist. He is an interesting man. He appears very, very sure of himself and also sure of my abilities. But somehow this just resulted in me feeling unheard. When talking to a psychiatrist, I try to let down my guard to let them see in, let them know what is going on. Sometimes, they respond helpfully. But there are a few responses that I am not so fond of. Like, "You can't let that bother you in your line of work." Seriously? I give you an example of anxiety getting in my way at work, and you tell me I can't let it bother me? Well, you can't let your cough hurt your throat, doctor! (He had a cough today and said it bothered his throat. I wish I had thought of such a comment! Only, I don't know how he would respond to that kind of comment, so I guess it is just as well that I didn't. He told me that he thinks people with OCD each have their unique method that they can escape their anxiety through. I said, so you don't believe i...

When seeing my counselor this week, she commented on my anxiety being less. I was feeling quite tired, so I figured I just wasn't showing it. But then she commented on the difference between how anxious I was when I started seeing her compared to now. I've been thinking about that. When I started seeing her, I was just learning to recognize anxiety and OCD and even depression. Now, I get that yucky anxious feeling and recognize it. I think, oh, no, another anxiety attack. I know that high anxiety does not have to be normal life. I know it takes extra energy and I can recognize at least some of the times that it interferes with what I would be doing if I didn't have it. It goes back to the prescription glasses metaphor (which is actually its own true story). I think that my eyesight was pretty good when I was little; the eye doctor said I would probably need glasses later, but not yet. Time passed, and I went to a dance performance by a dance group from a different count...

Today, I did a little homework, tried to help a friend, had lunch with family, said goodbye to a family member whose visit ended, did a little shopping, had a little trouble with my parking skills, missed a friend who moved away, temporarily called it quits and curled up on my couch, worked on a puzzle, and watched Netflix. I don't know if it has to do with starting another 5 week summer session of graduate classes, or staring at the uncertainty of how I'm going to make schedules work with classes the rest of the year, or having friends move away, or just plain, stupid, depression with a side of anxiety, but I'm struggling. Trying to keep everything going, and it just isn't working to my satisfaction. But is there a satisfaction for me? I mean, would a change in circumstances really change anything? I hate depression. Or whatever it is that has my eyes leaking. I'm tired of pushing and pushing and pushing. I'm halfway through my degree, but it is stinking hard! ...

Well, I've spent many hours partially on homework. I know that sounds a bit off. But I haven't exactly been focusing the whole time. I've also been taking breaks to watch tv shows or videos or do anything that isn't homework. They say depression influences your thinking and cognitive abilities. It is, therefore, an easy scapegoat if not an actual reason I am having trouble with my homework. I'm doing okay on facts. Give me a true/false or multiple choice question on anything I've read this past month, and I can likely get the answer right (unless you ask me which article the information is from). But to summarize what I've learned? Uhhhhhhhhhhh. I know it is about what the class title says it is about. But summarize everything? Most of that information is hiding behind a gray fog. So I can pull pieces out here and there, but do I really have a good summary? And then there is the whole quality issue. Would it be devastating to get a bad grade on this pape...

I'm just recovering from bronchitis. Last week passed in a blur. I worked most days, had a fever most nights, took lots of pain reliever/fever reducer medication, got the most essential schoolwork done, and watched Netflix. I was sick enough that OCD usually left me alone. This week, I'm feeling better. Which means OCD/anxiety/depression re-enter the picture. The monsters. Today, I took off work to get more schoolwork done. And what do I do first off? I sleep through nearly the entire morning. It is quite probable that this sleep will help me get over bronchitis, thus not being a waste of time. But there is enough of a possibility that I wasted time that my anxiety has stepped in. What if sleeping in was the wrong choice? What if my boss would judge me for how I spent my time off? My coworkers? What if I don't get my homework done on time or turn in sloppy work because I wasted too much time? What if I was wrong to cancel seeing my friend with a very young baby? What if m...

Last night, I dreamed that someone broke into my garage. They mixed my stuff up and even took the garage door down. And they left me a baby. I called the police, and they already knew I had the baby. I was given a contract to sign, but I got to keep the baby, at least for now. And not too long later, I woke up, and it was Mother's Day. People are funny (funny strange). Some call every women a mother of some sort, which I can sort of go for. Someone called my job (childcare worker) that of being a professional mom. I know it is very different from having your own kids, but I can complain about potty training, too. Or putting sunscreen on toddlers. Etc. Then there is the person at church who hands you the gift being given to all mothers. I looked at her strangely because I didn't put it together that it was for mother's day. She said, "We have enough for you to have one, too." And she is a wonderful lady, and I am certain she did not in anyway mean to make me feel...

It has been a while. I guess I got tired of blogging for a while. We'll see how well I like coming back. I started putting puzzles together again. I used to think that 500 piece puzzles were too hard, but I did one yesterday and one today, so maybe those unrelated graduate classes are paying off. Change coming my way again. I struggle with change. My depression thinks it is the perfect opportunity to launch another attack of depressed cognitive distortions. And my anxiety - well, it is hard to keep track of that. Maybe it's taking a vacation. I'm hungry because I decided to eat cereal for supper. Silly me, I know better. But it was yummy. Unfortunately, now I'll have to eat something more substantial after 10pm at night, which the doctor does not recommend for acid reflux. Of course, I'm eating for my brain and to stop feeling nauseous (although I've heard that sometimes the nauseousness is actually acid reflux, not hunger). I'm putting puzzles toget...