unreasonably rational

I've thought of something else to worry about; self-fulfilling prophecies. I'm worried that my medication will affect me negatively. Maybe that is a self-fulfilling worry. I'm worried that I won't be able to work full time. What a great thought to self-fulfill (YES I'm being sarcastic.) It seems like a most important skill is that of not overvaluing thoughts. I recently realized (thank God) that I'd thought myself into a dark corner, but I'd done this before and gotten out again. That was enough to get me out of the dark corner. Dark corner type thoughts don't just disappear, though. The anxiety builds and another pops into my head, but it's just a dark corner thought, so for the moment I keep going with life. As in, so I might get really anxious, but the depression isn't winning. Basically, most of life becomes a pseudolifeanddeath question. I'm asking a question of a college and "about to die" - I love OCD or whatever brings me th...

I think one of my medications said it could make your vision worse. Maybe two or three of them. That must be what is happening to me (since pure lack of sleep must certainly not be related at all) (nor would eyestrain from computer and television use). It's SO exciting to feel like my appetite is getting better! And I actually started reading a long fiction book that wasn't just james harriot (not meaning his writing isn't excellent, but it can be enjoyed a chapter at a time like a bunch of short stories, thus it does not represent the same increase in non-depressed symptoms). And my brain sleeping at night! So my mouth was dry and I kept waking up because of that, but that's much different that being awake because my brain won't stop thinking. Good days present their own challenge. Like I start thinking the next down turn is just about here (that probably could be a self-fulfilling prophecy). So it's just a thought. Maybe if I remember that it will help. And I...

One thing I find amusing is to listen to people talk about OCD in front of me completely oblivious to the fact that I have it. Like last night. So in their favor, they all spoke pretty respectfully about hoarding OCD last night, so I wasn't much annoyed and was mostly amused. But not quite bold enough to say, "I don't have hoarding OCD particularly, but I do have OCD and anxiety and depression and one or the other or all or two of them landed me in the hospital for five days and also in the ER last Sunday (who knew physically shaking could just be anxiety instead of some horrible reaction to medication)." Actually, I'd have risked interupting someone to interject that I had OCD, and interupting might possibly be construed as a sin and I have scrupulosity issues, not to mention that I often refrain from admitting to my OCD with people who think I don't have it. And I feel like a spy and smile on the inside as I listen to people talk about "my" mental ...

So, yeah, when it is so hard to start my day in the morning, I like to pretend I'm superwoman with superpowers. Only my super powers are things like the ability to get up in the morning and the ability to take a shower, and the ability to keep going, and the ability to... whatever. The stupid stuff normal life is made of. Or the not-so-stupid enduring whatever my brain is doing and keeping going with life while I wait for the "right" medication. Doctors changed the one I take before bed. Supposed to help me sleep and with the obsessive depressive thoughts. Okay, so I didn't actually sleep the whole night through, but I was more relaxed. I think that counts as improvement. And now today I am sleepy. The moral of the story is, if I'm in my zomby/sleepy depressed mood then I want to be awake etc., but if I'm in my anxious/energetic depressed mood then I wish I was back in the zomby just-let-me-sleep-and-sleep-and-sleep mood (and dispite the mood, my ability to ac...

Today, the frustration grew enough that I called the doctor, and the doctor said, No more monkeys jumping on the bed! Not. Not the monkey part that is. Medication dosage change and a few days to feel better without paying for another office visit. Aw, that's nice. And the nurse said, he said it would be appropriate for you to go home from work today. Grrrrr. I mean, so I was a little absentminded at work. And felt almost shakey. And in a place that I don't care to stay emotionally, but really, that's enough to go home from work? Ah, learning to rest. What a job. So I spent some time with friends. Which really helped. So now I'm hoping to work tomorrow and to be feeling better in a few days.

The depression seems to be staying less, but the anxiety plays games. I spent the later part of the work week sick, and am now starting to get out again. Yay for anxiety. I'll get the wrong birthday present for the party this afternoon (I already got it, but I didn't spend the perfect amount of money on it). I'll be late. I'll have too much time at home. I wont be able to eat. I need to eat or I wont feel better. If I eat, the stomach flu will come back. I'm gonna die. Why? I'm not sure. Not because of the stomach flu - I survived that. Okay, sometimes it seems to help just to write out my chain of (somewhat contradictory) concerns. Now I can write my blog post more peacefully. maybe I'll write it wrong. I'll say too much. I wont say what I want to say. I spent too much money at the book store getting myself a DVD. I'm gonna die. I... need to return the movies I rented. I need to get home in time to get ready for the birthday party. Maybe if someone ...

So the depression is finally giving me a break for a few days. This way I actually care more about things, and if I care, it's easier to get anxious. Oh, what fun. But anyways! I got new glasses and can see better. That's SO nice. Even though the change in prescription wasn't that much. I turned in my scariest paperwork for the moment - or for last moment, now I have more that could be done that is scarey. But I think it is a little bit less scarey, but still scarey enough that I might choose to fill it out with a friend around. I finished the first scarey paperwork by doing part of it with the lady who gave it to me, procrastinating until the week it was due, finishing almost all of it in my counselor's office, and finally calling a friend and talking until I was ready to complete the last part at home. But I DID it! I'm choosing to call (most of) the time w/other people as support. Okay, so some reassurance was gained, but I still had to do it and did it. One doct...