Saturday, October 23, 2010

One thing I find amusing is to listen to people talk about OCD in front of me completely oblivious to the fact that I have it. Like last night. So in their favor, they all spoke pretty respectfully about hoarding OCD last night, so I wasn't much annoyed and was mostly amused. But not quite bold enough to say, "I don't have hoarding OCD particularly, but I do have OCD and anxiety and depression and one or the other or all or two of them landed me in the hospital for five days and also in the ER last Sunday (who knew physically shaking could just be anxiety instead of some horrible reaction to medication)." Actually, I'd have risked interupting someone to interject that I had OCD, and interupting might possibly be construed as a sin and I have scrupulosity issues, not to mention that I often refrain from admitting to my OCD with people who think I don't have it. And I feel like a spy and smile on the inside as I listen to people talk about "my" mental disorder without knowing I have it. So now they might read this and discover that they unintentionally amused me and maybe they would feel like I had cheated them by not telling that I have OCD. And yes, I am aware that when I put many maybes in a sentence that my OCD is probably (maybe) having fun.

I think my currentest OCD worry would be about medication... I just changed dosage on one of them. I'm not sure if I can trust my brain to be okay. Because the anxiety medication I took earlier in the week, well, I just don't remember everything clearly from then, so maybe this medication is messing with my memory, too. Probably I should just stay home in my safe little room with my guinnea pig who is scared of me and my familiar belongings and away from the world where I might mess up. Okay, what shall we blame this on? OCD? Maybe. Anxiety? Maybe. Depression? Maybe not. I'm not sure where the depression went. It's being confusing. It might still be here; it might not. We don't know. Medication is obviously very dangerous. I mean, I actually want to eat (candy of all things!) sometimes now. (And haven't gained weight and besides, the psychiatrist told me not to worry about my weight until I'm 34 - not his exact words.) And jelly beans are really good. But I did get a stomach ache eventually, and then I stopped eating them. And I think my brain is still going fast. Maybe I should... um... I don't know... um... stop worrying about the medication I took last night. :) This is when I think to myself something like, Movie time! (dvds at home - movie theaters are expensive and scarey and last time I was in one I got a migraine). Or Word Search time. That is my new hobby. It slows my brain down and/or distracts it or something.

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