unreasonably rational

Back to work. Now hopefully my anxiety will calm down a notch since I haven't been away from work 5 days. The shakey feeling came back last night, to my intense displeasure. It wasn't as bad as the time I went to the ER and they treated it like anxiety. So I ate food and continued with my life and it went away.

I got an ear infection. I wasn't going to go to the doctor, but my sister said she would if she were me, and I know she's not big on wasting money, so I went, and it was probably good. Now I have antibiotics and a flu shot. If I turn into a monkey because of the flu shot... okay, so that's not realistic. Actually I'm just tired (can blame the ear infection, medication, ocd , and/or depression in addition to the flu shot) and my arm is a tiny bit sore. Just a tiny bit, not like my last nasty immunization (which was not the flu shot: this was my first ever flu shot if my memory is correct). I put up a Christmas tree yesterday evening. My room-mate new I was nervous about it, but I wasn't quite so perceptive at first. But towards the end, when my temper was short and my brain was shutting down, I knew I had offended my OCD . I do the shut-down thing sometimes; I just hadn't made such a connection between anxiety and shutting down. But when there's been "to...

If I hadn't thought it out quite so carefully over so many days and talked to people about it as I decided... I would so want to site dying my hair as an example of impulsive behavior that was a side effect of one of my medications (pick whichever you want to get out of taking). I mean, I have never ever dyed my hair in my entire life until today. I know, I was really bold and daring - I dyed it medium brown and it was dark blond/light brown. Basically, it's about the color dry that it used to be wet. I even did an OCD homework thought challenge about my assumption this morning that "dying my hair will ruin my life". I concluded that my evidence didn't cut it and I went ahead and dyed my hair like I wanted to. It might be a sin. I might be allergic to it (I have a sore throat) (and it started bothering my head before I rinsed it off). But I'm pretty sure it won't kill me. Unless it gives me cancer; then it might. But that wouldn't be right away, so I d...

Started new job today. And saw my counselor. On my to-do list is... breathing, or more specifically, not to stop breathing. I dream of a better future, when I will be able to stand to eat more than two things for supper (currently tuna and crackers plus fruit and veggie or bacon bits and cheese on salad, but it used to be pizza and veggie or cornbread and beans), when I will quit holding my breath as if that will help me deal with the situation better, when I will have a good night's sleep and not wake up early nor have trouble waking up from a medication, when I actually want to live most days of the week. Yes, this sounds lovely. In the mean time, I have started taking classes at my local gym. Well, really, I've only taken one so far, but I intend to add to that shortly. And I've been excersizing at least 5 days a week for at least 20 minutes. Have i been working on relaxing? No. But excersizing? yes. Today I expressed to my counselor that I was upset that my ocd didn...

Now I have given my two weeks notice, so it doesn't have to be a secret. I'm changing jobs. Not fields, I'll still be an early childcare teacher. Well, maybe I'll get to be less of a lead teacher, but that is okay with me right now. And working in a classroom WITH another teacher sounds GREAT (even though it can double the number of kids in the class). So that was my big anxiety creator for my last blog post; I was going to give my two weeks notice when I went to work and I was worrying about accepting the job the evening before. At my current job, the worse depression came back, not as strong as it has ever gotten, but stronger. I hate depression. But Saturday came and I felt better. Amazing what the weekend can do. Good thing I'm changing jobs. I hope it helps (but it could make things worse; I'll have to "take that risk" like my counselor keeps talking about). I'm doing pretty good at not washing my hands this week! Not so good at writing down e...

It seems to me that exposures come quite readily without my seeking them out. Going to the gym to exercise is an exposure all by itself (because I might die if I go. No, I don't know how that would logically happen). Then work, particularly a work change coming up. So I sort of brought it on myself but I am SO SCARED!!!! Not for any super good reason. Well, anybody would probably feel scared, so I guess I just need to not let fear paralyze me. But really, I took last week off, remember? And this week I have to deal with this???? So my weekend of stability has run into an anxiety challenge. The kind of anxiety that robs me of a normal night's sleep - not to mention potentially steeling my appetite. Oh, great. So I did a thought challenge thing where I wrote my thoughts and feelings and cognitive distortions and more logical response. Helped some. But does that make it a compulsion? The questions never end! Hence the fact that I'm almost never bored. And with the anxiety, ...

The depression might have stabilized . I'm assuming so until otherwise notified for more than a few hours. What a pleasant surprise that the break from work helped. My counselor said that sometimes people need that rest. So the OCD is having fun. What used to be a miserable obsession has become a mad lib game. The color(s) and substance to be used keeps changing. I'm in danger from an orange and purple panda bear, or orange and green spinach , or purple and green giraffes. Who knows. It is all very funny. Especially since these objects aren't readily available and dangerous. But I'm back to work - the purple and pink panda bears don't interrupt too much. And the absence of the feeling that my emotions are about to hijack me and slam me this or that direction, that is nice. Dispite a stressful day at work. :)

So yesterday after finishing my time using the library internet, I had a meltdown in my car. I wasn't working. I didn't want to eat. There's some Bible verse about not working and not eating. Why was I so foolish as to take the rest of the week off work? I was doomed. But talking to my sister last evening, I was able to look at it a little more positively; maybe this would help me to learn that my value wasn't all tied up in the job I did. If I could learn that, that should help with my depression. And later last evening, I went to a Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance support group meeting. The first one I went to left me feeling more desperate, but I enjoyed this one. I'm starting to get to know people. And we can talk and laugh about other things, not just discuss mental illness. I like going to this and to the NAMI Connections support group because I feel like I don't have to pretend to be someone else. I can be me, depressed and discouraged. I can move ...

http://www.ocdhelpdoc.com/2010/10/jonathan-grayson/the-cruelest-obsession-obsessing-about-obsessing/ I just read the article by Jonathan Grayson about "obseessing about obsessing" that's link is above. Reminds me of me. Monday I was discouraged and my counselor and I came up with the idea of asking my doctor to write a note so I could take a few days off of work. This was supposed to be helpful; a break from the stress. Tuesday, I worked part of the day, then left with the note from my doctor. Today, I'm so frustrated. Why can't I work? (Well, I could work, but I'm taking a break.) My own appreciation of my value is so tied into my work. If I do valuable work, then I feel valuable. If I feel valuable, I think I am valuable. If I'm not doing work that I percieve as valuable, then I don't feel valuable and think that means I am less valuable. I KNOW it's not true, but it feels that way. So, oh, what a priviledge, I get to sit here and not work while...