Thursday, November 4, 2010

rest can be good?

So yesterday after finishing my time using the library internet, I had a meltdown in my car. I wasn't working. I didn't want to eat. There's some Bible verse about not working and not eating. Why was I so foolish as to take the rest of the week off work? I was doomed.

But talking to my sister last evening, I was able to look at it a little more positively; maybe this would help me to learn that my value wasn't all tied up in the job I did. If I could learn that, that should help with my depression.

And later last evening, I went to a Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance support group meeting. The first one I went to left me feeling more desperate, but I enjoyed this one. I'm starting to get to know people. And we can talk and laugh about other things, not just discuss mental illness. I like going to this and to the NAMI Connections support group because I feel like I don't have to pretend to be someone else. I can be me, depressed and discouraged. I can move my hands and feet with restless nervous energy and not worry about it. I can be one of a group of people dealing with mental illness. Kind of like being one of a group of people who blog about OCD. :) Not alone.

And then today, amazingly enough, I felt better. This morning I slept in and then got myself to eat breakfast. Then I was allowed to crawl back in bed to read a fiction book because it was on my list of things to do today. I finished it! Finished a fiction book that wasn't short! Yay for my growing attention span!

Then I excersized. Another thing checked off. And then I was for sure feeling happier, BUT I did not have an appetite for lunch. Then I thought to myself, this is how I usually get stuck back in depression; I think my feeling better should cover more than it actually does, get frustrated and upset, and return to my previous depressed low for a few more days. So today I tried to not be conserned that I wasn't hungry for lunch (and ate anyway). Instead I appreciated that I cleaned out the oven so I could bake corn bread muffins and that I actually baked corn bread muffins for the first time in a while. I read a magazine and got through lunch and made two scarey phone calls and started cleaning my room... (good progress on my list). And now I'm at the library. :) Writing, which was also on my list. I was planning to write on my story, but I think this counts, too.

So now I'm not nearly so upset (for the moment) that I took some days off work. If that's what helps me get better, I am SO willing to try it.

And I was maybe going to switch to a nearer, cheaper counselor, but she recommended I stick with my gut feeling, which leaves me with the counselor I like whome I'm already seeing. So now I can stop worrying about changing counselors for the moment. :)

3 comments:

  1. Sounds like you have done a lot of great work! I, too, enjoy support groups and talking to others who know what it's like to have OCD and spend much of the day hiding it. I have great friends, but sometimes I don't feel as close to them because they can't relate to this other, OCD part of my life. Being able to talk to others about my OCD allows me to feel more honest for a little while, which then allows me to be closer to my other friends, who don't have OCD, later.

    Keep moving forward. I find that pushing myself to move on and do things as planned, whether or not I feel like I'm in the right mood for it, allows me to get through the tougher times and keeps my life from revolving around them. Hope you continue to feel better and enjoy the rest of your time off!

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  2. Sounds like a good day. I hope things keep improving.

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  3. Fight that all or nothing feeling that puts you right back down in the depression again! I know it all too well - I'm having a great day, I'm seeing progress, and then something comes up that suddenly I don't want to or can't do. And it's so easy to throw in the towel and throw a pity party. It sounds like you did a great job fighting that today!

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