Wednesday, November 3, 2010

accepting loss

I just read the article by Jonathan Grayson about "obseessing about obsessing" that's link is above. Reminds me of me.

Monday I was discouraged and my counselor and I came up with the idea of asking my doctor to write a note so I could take a few days off of work. This was supposed to be helpful; a break from the stress.

Tuesday, I worked part of the day, then left with the note from my doctor. Today, I'm so frustrated. Why can't I work? (Well, I could work, but I'm taking a break.) My own appreciation of my value is so tied into my work. If I do valuable work, then I feel valuable. If I feel valuable, I think I am valuable. If I'm not doing work that I percieve as valuable, then I don't feel valuable and think that means I am less valuable. I KNOW it's not true, but it feels that way.

So, oh, what a priviledge, I get to sit here and not work while my brain yells at me. Please, can it go away now?

Dr. Grayson talked about accepting what we do have, which includes mourning what we don't have. Mourning that, in fact, I'm not at my paying job today. Mourning that I'm scared and procrastinating certain tasks. Mourning that my brain doesn't always tell me the truth. Mourning that I'm not "better" yet. Mourning that it takes so long. Mourning that I'm afraid my life is doomed because I went home from work yesterday and because of what I said to this person and/or that person.

But if I wasn't so busy trying not to explode with frustration at my irritating brain, I could be enjoying writing this. I could enjoy how well I can sometimes type. I could look to see if going to a college this winter interests me. I could enjoy the sunny weather outside (like really, can't it rain when I'm in a bad mood?!). I could take a walk. I could go to the gym even if I was afraid that I'd make some terrible mistake there. I can enjoy my teacup even if I'm not so crazy about tea. I can enjoy my book even though I'm not at work earning money. I can enjoy life - what a thought!

Sometimes I try to write out two "good" thoughts for the next day, coping thoughts or hopeful thoughts or something. I started writing, "I deserve..." last night and then got stuck. Do I deserve anything? I don't think so. But I'm thinking that deserving is based on doing, not being. If we have to do enough to deserve life or happiness or respect or anything, well, that gets tricky. Have we done enough? What is enough? Where is the line? But if it is being, well, I happen to be a person, regardless of what I do. If people deserve respect and love...? then I do, too, because I'm a person. Oh, so hard for my brain to grasp. I don't know if we deserve it, yet God grants people mercy.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Abigail! I just stumbled on your blog a few days ago and am enjoying reading it. It was interesting you wrote about how it's a struggle to be able to even enjoy the things that should be "easy" for us ocd-ers. That's a daily struggle I deal with - I try to write about it on my blog, because it sometimes totally affects how I handle my exposures if I can just keep my chin up and enjoy what I DO have access to. Hope your days off go well.