unreasonably rational

Good news! I've been preventing driving compulsions with some success! Thinking it through yesterday helped me to cognatively assess the situation before I was in the emotional moment. It's going pretty well. I do have to watch out for replacement compulsions (i.e. compulsively checking around my car extra before I drive). Thanksgiving went pretty well this year. I visited my family. I brought sweet potatoes and even my mom liked them (she doesn't like another recipe because it is too sweet for her). And I noticed something new. I already knew that my oldest younger brother likes to play devil's advocate, leading to lively discussions/arguements at the dinner table. What I learned this time was that I played devil's advocate right back at him. He isn't the only one arguing/debating. Myself and other family members participated. And, just like he might do, I argued more because I thought his opponent needed some defending than because I personnally cared alot...

My recent most obvious OCD problem is back to the old driving and harm issue subject. It happens regularly. I get in my car, and look behind me while I back out of my driveway. Thus far, I'm a normal person. Then, I wonder if maybe a neighbor happened to be in my way and got hurt when I backed my car out of the driveway. Then, the "responsible" thing seems to be to check to make sure there are no injured people in the driveway. Cognatively, I realize the very low probability. First, I was looking when I drove, so unless someone was laying right behind my car, I probably would have seen them. Even if they were hidden right behind my car, I probably would have seen them when I approached my car to get in. And then, even if my eyes failed me, I would have felt something if the car had hit anything. I know the sound of the car brushing into plants on the side of the road (leaving them unharmed) (I used to live in the country). So it is pretty sensible that if there had be...

I worked this morning, of course. It went okay. Then I went home with a headache. On my way home, I got to drive the interstate at 4 miles per hour. That was interesting, in a fairly boring sort of way. After lunch, I planned to take a nap, but my landlord showed up with an electrician to fix our heat in the livingroom and kitchen. He was pretty fast, but it still delayed my nap. Then, for my nap, I didn't fall asleep, but I rested, so that's okay. Now I just turned in my homework for the week (due today). We were given a free pass to skip one week's assignment without loosing any points, and I actually used it today. I'm a little surprised that I actually used it. And I'm a little disappointed that I used it. And I am sufficiently glad that I used it. Takes a bit of stress off. I was too far behind this week... (thanks to the paperback novels I read, etc.) Now Thanksgiving approaches. I don't think I want a four day weekend, but it isn't really my cho...

I just ate my whole post up by pressing the wrong button at the right time, or however you are supposed to put that. Two wrongs? One right and one wrong? One wrong and one right? Either way, bye-bye nice, thoughtful, disconnected, entertaining to me, etc., post. Now, can I write it in fewer words, and cut out the I'm-hungry-and-need-to-eat-soon comments? (I mean, cut them down, not out, since I just put one there.) From both my counselor and my psychiatrist (whom I both saw yesterday), I was reminded that my anxious thoughts actually are emotionally taxing. I forget that sometimes. They are just my normal thoughts. Also, I know some of the thoughts are quite disconnected from reality, so since they aren't valid (as in, aren't realistic), I assume they don't cost me emotionally what they would if they were factual. And maybe they don't, but they still might scare me/ weigh on me more than I think they do. The other big thing I came away with was that when my coun...

Friday night, I stayed up late, eating dinner with my family and a friend after 9 in the evening. It was exciting in that it's the latest I've been out socializing in a long time, but the after effects weren't quite so nice. Saturday, I slept until 12:23 early afternoon. This wouldn't be so sad except that it starts to get dark before 4pm. Too little sunshine. But I made it through Saturday okay. Then came Sunday. I, not surprisingly, slept in, missing Sunday school. I did manage to get to church on time, but I'd call that a miracle. I dislike these moods. I suppose I've had them most of my life, but being aware of my mood now, they are annoying. What would I call it? Feeling at odds with the world? It is interesting to realize that I've been effectively cutting myself off from people, slowly and steadily. Not completely, but still, it's been happening. When I go to the gym to exercise, I sometimes work hard to avoid contact with people I know because ...

My week has been going fairly well. Improved mood is definately nice. My homework has been going fairly unwell. Will I pull through in time and still turn in all my homework? Today I saw my counselor again. Most of that even went okay. It wasn't until I thought about a current social situaion that's giving me troubles that I started feeling too upset... Of course, that was in the last three minutes, so nothing was solved with that. Sometimes I wonder why I go to counseling? What is it I get out of it? I like starting the hour, but I don't like finishing the hour. Oh, well, the likes seem worth the dislikes. I want to sound really profound or witty or something right now, but really, my brain's feeling blocked. Why? Schoolwork undone? Social situation decision unmade? Concern about the future? Plain old depression? Plain new anemia? Does it even matter why? (Well, maybe determining why, I could get rid of it.) Oh, well. That's enough for now.

I've been doing a bit better. My counselor suddenly started thinking my depression thought sounded like an OCD thought, so maybe I should treat it differently. I told her I thought it was a depression-OCD hybrid. And she asked if I was kidding. No, I was quite serious. I still think that. Anyway, I settled on a shorter response to my thought. Just, "no." Usually that helps. But still, if my emotions get riled up too high, I still have trouble. It's funny, but I'm afraid of getting better. I feel like if I find something that works (like answering "no") that it just proves what a jerk I've been being about this whole OCD depression stuff. Suddenly, it is "proven" to me that it really was all my fault, and if I'd just said "no" a year ago, I'd have gotten better then. And then, delaying healing by being afraid of it... that's me again, too. But I'm thinking I can (as in "should" - it wouldn't come e...

Well, my research was enough to convince me to follow the Doctor's recommendations, so on to more medical bills trying to find out what's going on with the anemia. I get a day off work out of it (no pay, of course; one of the characteristics of my line of work in my part of the country). Have you ever seen people's sympathetic/pittying looks when you talk to them about your mental illness or some time after that? I'm not too good at accepting that. Not that said people ever know, but I think (or even say), "hey, it's my life." I don't want too much pitty, nor too much of people feeling sorry for me; this is my life; I gotta deal with it, so pray for me, talk to me, but don't look at me like my world is falling apart. Because it isn't. Even if I tell you about my really depressing thoughts, my world actually still is not falling apart. And even if my world is falling apart, it's still my world; a falling-apart kind of world. And, I don...

I'm tired, and this time I have an excuse. (I mean, beyond such obvious reasons as depression, anxiety, and less than peaceful sleep last night.) I'm still mildly anemic. I started looking up online what that might be. I was thus assured that it could be serious and scarey or depressing, so I quit looking. But not before gleaning enough info to start worrying about my spleen. Now my side hurts. The correct side (I think?), but in two different places, as if to make sure the spleen area is hurting even though I don't exactly know where it is. How amusing (seriously).