Saturday, November 5, 2011

what if I feel better? what if I don't?

I've been doing a bit better. My counselor suddenly started thinking my depression thought sounded like an OCD thought, so maybe I should treat it differently. I told her I thought it was a depression-OCD hybrid. And she asked if I was kidding. No, I was quite serious. I still think that. Anyway, I settled on a shorter response to my thought. Just, "no." Usually that helps. But still, if my emotions get riled up too high, I still have trouble.

It's funny, but I'm afraid of getting better. I feel like if I find something that works (like answering "no") that it just proves what a jerk I've been being about this whole OCD depression stuff. Suddenly, it is "proven" to me that it really was all my fault, and if I'd just said "no" a year ago, I'd have gotten better then. And then, delaying healing by being afraid of it... that's me again, too.

But I'm thinking I can (as in "should" - it wouldn't come easy) drop the whole "fault" thing. Who really cares if it was me or a disease or an alien taking over my brain? (Except the scientists - they can keep wondering without me. I'm sure they'd like to know if it was an alien.)

I had a great talk with somebody yesterday. It was the sort where I cried half the time, but she was willing to listen. And she was (is) a Christian, strong in her faith at that moment and clearer in her understanding. I've gotten all confused inside myself. Depression, OCD, anemia, my faith in God, all making a big confusing mess. She helped me see once again that I was really okay before God (because of Jesus). That how I felt didn't change what I believe (that's really good to know with depression and OCD). That God loved me and I can believe it without feeling it. And I can believe God even without trying to do good enough works to feel it with my emotions (I don't agree with that, but I keep trying it anyway). And I'm gonna keep believing God even if I never get better from my depression and my OCD and my anemia and whatever else might be wrong in my life (not that I won't have my moments).

I'm still afraid the depression's gonna win, though. (Another feeling that very likely isn't based in reality).

Anyway, after talking to her, I somehow thought all my troubling thoughts and feelings would just go away. As you might expect, they didn't. I still didn't want to eat supper. Still had trouble getting to sleep. Still wanted to sleep all day today. Still had more crying to do. But I am encouraged. I wish wish wish that my problems would all go away, but encouragement is enough for now.

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