Thursday, February 10, 2011

don't research

I ... do research. Even when I KNOW I shouldn't. And then, I've done plenty of research before becoming as knowledgeable about ocd and the danger of researching, so I can still get lots of ocd milage off of that (such as, did you know that such-and-such allergy medication that I take can lead to such-and-such serious problem... and today the dr. said, that's really not likely. Oh.).

Anyway, Wednesday's research was enough to really freak me out. I KNEW I shouldn't do it, but I did it anyway. Many tears later and finally talking to my counselor today, the world turned right side up again.

And here's my scarey obsession.... please don't over-react - you can research it and find that it is not abnormal for people with more "pure-o" ocd... then again, if you have this, you might not want to research it... the obsession of ending my life. Not so different from all the other obsessions. I'm afraid I'll make somebody sick. I'm afraid that pothole I just drove over wasn't a pothole but a person (even though it looked like a pothole, maybe I saw wrong. Let's check the rear-view mirror. Wait, check it more slowly/thoroughly to let the messageregister in my brain that it really is a pothole). And so on and so forth. Scarey thoughts that I don't want to advertise. But they are just thoughts, not in themselves dangerous, and not even unusual - the unusual part being how the scare me so much and keep annoying me so much. And when I get better ('cause I'm planning on getting better!), these thoughts won't make me so miserable.

Tomorrow I see Mr. Psychiatrist, so maybe that will be helpful medication-wise.


  1. Yes that is a very common obsession. Are you on the Pure O Yahoo Group? It's a wealth of information, and quite supportive. There are people on that forum who have that obsession. I had it when I was younger too.

  2. Yeah, I'm in the Pure o yahoo group. It seems more applicable than the general ocd one.