Sunday, February 20, 2011

Will have to return guinnea pig harness. But traveled out of state (same as I do for my therapist and psychiatrist; don't be too impressed) to find one in an acceptable color that should fit him. It's red, NOT pink. And got an idea to make him a soft, comfy bed out of scrap fabric and stuffing from an old pillow... Anything to keep my brain positively engaged. Or even just to keep it from going down the scary path. Oh, depression, how I love (hate) thee. And with ocd added in, it's just fabulous (awful).

But I made it to church. I made it to the pet store. I ate lunch (so it was junk food; I still ate!). I went to the library. These activities are called "steps in the right direction", which are equated with "successes". Just ask my therapist.

I'm still so tired. The kind of tired that two long restless nights don't erase (what? you're not surprised?). A new fabulous realization is... people actually see my smile and think it means I'm doing better or happy or something!!!! That surprised me. Maybe I should cut some of the smiles out. Says Mr. Psychiatrist, you're smiling, so what does that mean? Says me, it's easier to smile than to cry. Basically, I'd rather smile at someone because I don't want them to be too sad that I'm so sad. And I don't want to over-react or anything. And yes, I smiled when I was in the hospital. Defense mechanism? Courtesy? Whatever. Oh, and I don't want the person in front of me to freak out, particularly people who are not my therapist nor my psychiatrist. And I see my therapist and my psychiatrist regularly, so don't worry. Here, pretend you see my smile and feel better about me. Someone might as well feel better.

Actually, I'm doing better than earlier today. I have a plan to go home and try on my guinnea pig's harness thing. And to watch something on the dvd player. And maybe to make or start to make a cozy bed for Sir Guinnea Pig. And maybe to go to the gym... And maybe read a book... And sleep as soon as possible without being more than 3 hours early to bed. Probably no more than 2. Probably not even that early. But to really know, I'd have to figure out what the regular to bed time would be, and I'm just not going to do that right now.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you managed to get out today and are feeling slightly better! I am not sleeping these days either and feeling very anxious and the hopelessness is starting to set in. I like your suggestion of taking one positive step at a time. We have to reward ourselves for the little things!!!