unreasonably rational

Yesterday, I worked in the morning, had half an hour to eat lunch, and then I did observations for one of my college classes in the afternoon. If the time at the place to observe counted as work, I'd have clocked in 10 hours of work yesterday. So I felt okay spoiling myself in the evening. But after watching a movie, I wrote down what had happened on my observation before I forgot (I need to write a report for my teacher). So that makes 11 hours of work and school. Today, I'm feeling lazy. Not at work; at work, there were lots of kids and lots of noise. There were smiles and tears and trying to get children to look at me and trying to get others to stop whining at me... But we all survived. And I got a hard-to-get-to-sleep child to sleep. I feel so accomplished after that! And we did beading with those multicolored doughnut shaped but much smaller very sweat breakfast cereal. Fine motor skill development! Helps me feel like a good teacher when I get "good" activities ...

Thursday, I saw my psychiatrist and my therapist. Both commented that it is my depression that is giving me trouble right now. Both asked about my energy level. How do I answer that? Energy level compared to what? So I'm tired. So I am busy proving inertia by have trouble moving from one location to the other (whether the location is home or elsewhere). That actually gives me some trouble. But oh, well. I have a headache, so I'm a little distracted. I don't think I have medication for that with me (over-the-counter), and I am here now, so I'll probably not move too fast, as I just explained. Anyway, I said my energy was low. I feel like it is. Mr. Psychiatrist raised the dose of one of my meds. If this doesn't work, I can expect to change out this medication. Not sure if I'm happy or sad about that. He said that sometimes a medication works for years and other times in different people only for months. He thinks the venlafaxine might have just worked for m...

Complaining is probably a sin. So is expressing annoyance a sin? Hmmm, probably can be and can not be. Anyway, I thought the "Please prove that you are not a robot" thing to post comments on Google's blogspot blogs was funny - once or twice. Now it takes to long. And now you have to type two words. Does that mean that robots can now figure out the word if it is just one word? I'm doubting it, because if so, I don't see what is hard about adding a second word on. Another thing I don't like is when people in online classes are really wordy in the messages/announcement part. To be specific, I don't really care about a "funny" "google doodle" thing right now. And I really don't want to hear about it in three separate identical messages. I open these messages to get back to having zero unread messages. Then there are - I mean is - a case of a, um, extra involved? distance learning professor. I take online classes, and I do it on pu...

Hmmm. I think there might be a little problem. My blog comments have gotten longer than my blog posts. Sorry. I'll try to comment more concisely. :) I was having a bad afternoon. I took a nap, but even that didn't stop it. I'm in the normal pattern - the down side of it. I get more depressed, then I start having trouble falling asleep at night, and the loss of sleep seems to make the depression worse... It seems that sometimes if I really focus on doing what I need to do to help the depression (exercise, food, sleep, relaxing), that can change the spiral back around. So I told myself I only had to exercise 5 minutes today to cross it off my list. But I then told myself to exercise for 10 minutes. I exercised for 15. Small steps are so much easier than trying to right everything at once (which just wont happen right now; I'm not feeling that good). And reading blogs helped just now. Thanks to you all with OCD who blog about it!

I work this amazingly fun job. Of course, one former boss told me that she had heard it ranked stress-wise up with air traffic control officers, which I'm sure came from some study, but I don't know what one. Anyway, I like to say that whenever I struggle to handle the job so that I can feel like I'm having trouble doing a difficult task, not struggling to fulfill the demands of a low-paying, lower class job. But over all, I very much love being a toddler teacher/caretaker. Anyway, my latest greatest story is this. I like to play around with hats - usually using blocks or books or other silly things as hats. But today I actually had some hats - and a headband "crown" - set on my head. I think it was with the baby doll hat we tried, but it doesn't really matter which "hat" it was. It was one too small for me to see when it was on me. But the child wanted me to see it. "See? See?" the child said, trying to turn my head up so that I could see ...

Okay, I gotta write really fast, because I get to take a test soon. Yeah, I'm excited. It's the kind of multiple choice test that I tend to do really well on. Success, in a short amount of time! (hopefully.) Tomorrow I get to see my counselor again, but she's moved to a different office, so I shall plan extra driving time to find it. I'm excited to see her because this week hasn't gone so well and I want to talk about it. Usually on Tuesday nights, I visit friends, and that seems to be what helps turn me from my weekend depression to my better time of week. This week, I didn't go, and my depression had plenty of fun. I should make it pay rent for the time and energy it uses in my brain. But no, instead I pay money to try to make it less controlling (meds, dr and therapist appointments). Happy Wednesday. My work week is more than half over!

I just felt like uploading a picture, in case you are wondering why it suddenly appeared. With my laptop, I can do that! (At the library, it involved remembering my camera, plugging it in, etc.) Today, I had to finishing compiling information on graduate schools that I was to contact. I wrote the mandatory essay. Then I turned it in really fast. The reasoning? I'm tired, hungry, and mostly irritated. So I wanted to just turn it in as fast as I could. Which might explain why the first time I turned it in, I actually entered the whole two and a half page (double spaced) paper as a comment, with no submission. Quite an irritatingly long comment. My apology to the teacher's aide who grades my work. Yes, I apologized in a second comment, faaaarrrr below the beginning of the first "comment," and this time accompanied by the paper pasted into the appropriate paper spot. Basically, irritating, but shouldn't matter in the long run at all. Anyway, I'm glad I don't...

Greetings. I have finished one of the two remaining lectures that need to be finished before the end of tomorrow. I want to get the other one done before I finish for the day. It's only 23 minutes long. (But I'll probably pause it once or twice to relisten to something or to look at a slide more closely.) I have concluded that I can keep up in two classes at the time. This results in a juggling action where I get ahead and catch up various classes but am kept on my toes at some point each week. But at least it is working. And I haven't had much trouble keeping up in the ASL (sign language) class once I got caught up the first time. It is the required classes that keep scaring me now. What a (not) surprise. Oh, and the bad grade I got on a test in ASL? The D? He regraded it and gave me a B. Not sure why. I forgot about the teachers who grade on a curve or who set the A standard on the highest performance on the test instead of 100%. Maybe that was it. Somehow, that doesn...

Sleep is so important to my mental health. But its another of those things that can be a symptom and a depression perpetuator at the same time. Twice last week I pulled the I-don't-feel-like-getting-up-and-eating-supper game, followed by dinner after 9 pm and a very late evening of reading a book. These aren't exactly helpful in getting a handle on the latest depression attack, but I'm trying to have a little mercy on myself at the same time, because the depression attack is probably what made it so hard not to pull one of these late nights. Then last night, I babysat. Which I enjoy. But it went late. And then today, when I did leave the house, I got grumpy about something someone said. And had the nice, really indecisive-but-still-trying-to-shop experience after that. Then I wisely took a nap. Not so wisely, I didn't eat lunch first, just drank a breakfast chocolate milk thing. So, not surprisingly, I feel sick now. And I have plans for tomorrow that do not include ...

Once again, I find myself with my computer taking a study break from wading through a lecture on the tympanic membrane - I'm supposing that he will soon move on to the rest of the middle ear, since he only has so many lectures on the ear's anatomy. And I'm hungry. It seems that hunger and studying go together, but I don't want to buy food here. Oops, wasn't I supposed to accept that expense? Well, still... I'll eat at home in a half hour or forty-five minutes. Today, I found out that my living situation will be changing, probably with a new room-mate, at least. So now that the stress regarding my mom's health (which concludes with my mom not having cancer - you know how it takes time for the medical people to prove to their satisfaction that cancer isn't there. She hasn't had it yet, either.), anyway, now that is past and the roommate situation comes up. Life continues to be, um, not boring. My current hobby is reading suspense novels - still th...