Monday, February 13, 2012
Today, I had to finishing compiling information on graduate schools that I was to contact. I wrote the mandatory essay. Then I turned it in really fast. The reasoning? I'm tired, hungry, and mostly irritated. So I wanted to just turn it in as fast as I could. Which might explain why the first time I turned it in, I actually entered the whole two and a half page (double spaced) paper as a comment, with no submission. Quite an irritatingly long comment. My apology to the teacher's aide who grades my work. Yes, I apologized in a second comment, faaaarrrr below the beginning of the first "comment," and this time accompanied by the paper pasted into the appropriate paper spot. Basically, irritating, but shouldn't matter in the long run at all. Anyway, I'm glad I don't have to worry about grad schools again for a long while (I have a deal with myself, and according to this deal, all I've committed to is my bachelor's degree. I don't have to even think about grad school - except if I have to to complete an assignment. But that assignment is over now.)
Anyway, one question I wanted to ask colleges was about a part time option, in case I need it "for health reasons." Thought I'd keep my mental illness out of my e-mails to the colleges (just stating it for anyone to see on my blog instead), at least for the time being. Anyway, while I suspect I could get a part time option to work at most places, it doesn't look like most of their students are taking such an option. Oh, well. I'm not most anyway.
Yesterday in church I heard a comment that I've heard in church before. The good old reference to people trying to escape the unhappiness that their sin has caused them, trying to medicate it. It's such a simple little sentence, and I'm sure it is meant sincerely, and probably if I brought it up as offensive, I'd be told they weren't talking about me. In fact, there might even be people, or maybe just a person, out trying to medicate their real, non-mental-illness-related, guilt away. Then again, it wasn't at all lightly that I started taking medication. And really, so what if it was real guilt that fueled my depression enough to land me in a psych unit at the hospital? You wanna go tell someone in the hospital that they shouldn't take meds, they should just pray? Um, if praying could fix it, I'm pretty sure there would be less of us in there. I think I'd sum the issue all down into one of unawareness. The poor pastor probably doesn't even know that I struggle with depression. He probably didn't consider that such a comment might have no affect on the mentally healthy, truly rebellious Christian while it would potentially hurt a medicated or not-yet-medicated Christian with a real mental illness. Or just fuel the uneducated bystanders with questions about possible real guilt causing mental illness. Which I'm sure it could, but really? I've prayed, okay?
Then I overheard something about rebellion and questioning God about a mental illness. And I really want to say that I wasn't in rebellion when I sat through church alternatingly participating and praying and distracting myself by doodling on my bulletin so that I didn't get too angry about things that were said that triggered my upsetness even though the actual things spoken were fine (I have some baggage, okay?) (and I wasn't going to bring up the doodling, either, if I jumped in). In my praying, there was a lot of talking to God about my depression and OCD, and there were questions about why, and there were requests for healing (and if all this didn't occur in church, I'm pretty positive it occurred over the course of the day). I still ask God to give me a new brain. I still wish my brain worked differently. I still wish I was healthy. I think it is okay to feel that. I don't think that is in the same category as simple rebellion and turning away from God. I think sometimes it is actually turning towards God, turning to Him with a broken heart.
(Oh, have you ever wondered if clicking on a word in spell check counts as plagierism or using someone else's work, since you didn't type the word? Or typed out the date when the computer brought it up so you could just hit enter, in case hitting enter was cheating? While simultaneously knowing that that's silly and that a million students are out using spell check and entering the date instead of typing it out?)
I tend to have trouble on Mondays. This Monday joins the group. It's after 7:15 and I haven't eaten yet. I'd better go buy food that I want to eat tonight.