Monday, February 20, 2012

The newest funny story

I work this amazingly fun job. Of course, one former boss told me that she had heard it ranked stress-wise up with air traffic control officers, which I'm sure came from some study, but I don't know what one. Anyway, I like to say that whenever I struggle to handle the job so that I can feel like I'm having trouble doing a difficult task, not struggling to fulfill the demands of a low-paying, lower class job. But over all, I very much love being a toddler teacher/caretaker. Anyway, my latest greatest story is this. I like to play around with hats - usually using blocks or books or other silly things as hats. But today I actually had some hats - and a headband "crown" - set on my head. I think it was with the baby doll hat we tried, but it doesn't really matter which "hat" it was. It was one too small for me to see when it was on me. But the child wanted me to see it. "See? See?" the child said, trying to turn my head up so that I could see the hat on top of me. Of course the hat fell off, but I was well amused. The child tried twice.

This day has been okay, except for when the depression tried to convince me of it's sincerity and rightness. Some of those depressed thoughts come at me with more persistence than most obsessions, which is really quite unfair. I'm guessing the OCD glitch in my brain hooks up with the depression glitch to give me some fun times. But as long as the depression's conversation stays as just a conversation and I don't get too emotionally involved, I'm usually okay. But sometimes my pure lack of emotion scares me. Depressing thoughts make more sense when I feel depressed or sad or something. They can leave me feeling out of touch with reality in a different way when I'm feeling fine (still not usually in a particularly good mood, just okay) and having those depressed thoughts. Anywhichway, I'm mostly doing okay today, so now how about I change the subject.

I worried about my tires. I think the OCD has gotten a finger into that one. Because some days, I can stare at a tire and feel it and kick it and examine all the other tires and still not be sure if the tire is going flat or not, with no amount of checking solving the problem until I decide to go ahead and drive (at which stage I drive successfully, without having a tire blow out, and then I try to return to my blissful ignorance about the state of my tires). Anyway, my digging in the paperwork indicated that my tires were from '96, which seemed too old. So today I decided to do something about it. So I called my dad, which, of course, brings no certainty. Then I searched my records, which proved that my tires were actually from 2005, not so bad (probably really good, considering the state of my finances and my car). But I carried out my plan; I got an oil change and had them check the tires. Which still doesn't completely give me certainty (OCD makes it easy to still get an exposure in, you know). Because I didn't express all my concern about my tires, so maybe they barely glanced at them, or even didn't look at them, just said they checked them since that is listed under the services provided with the level of oil change service that I ordered. But I'm feeling a lot better about it, and now I plan on trying to ignore my tires (except for glancing at them, not compulsively staring at them).

But here is the best part of my evening. I finally got myself to put down my unfinished fiction book and drag myself to the place with free internet so that I could do my homework and turn it in. But here is the part I'm proud of. I bought myself supper. I actually did it! I got supper and ate before 7 pm! And found out that the internet wasn't working. Oh, well. So I did the writing that didn't require the internet (easier done when not in the same building as the fiction book, you see). And then, I played computer games. Played and played. It was fun. And I figured I was not using time so well, and that I should probably go order hot chocolate that I didn't want at another coffee spot that had internet working. But I just kept playing. And then, you know what? I checked, and the internet was working. See? My game playing turned out to be a great use of time - unless the suggestion is made that I could/should have been exercising. But I want to ignore that. My fun time worked out to my benefit. So there. (p.s. when the spell-checker suggests "excerpting" as the spelling for my attempt at the word "exercising," I might have a spelling issue with that word. But I got it right this time, so my spelling is salvageable.)

2 comments:

  1. Abigail,

    I have a problem with tires too! I never thought about it as OCD until I read this post of yours but DUH of course it is! I too stare at them, kick them etc. and have even driven to the mechanic just so a professional can check them. This is something that really plagues me and takes makes me feel so stressed. In fact, just this morning, I was staring at them and examining them and "listening" to them to see if I could hear air leaking out. Thanks for pointing out that this is just more OCD.

    Anyway, I love what you said about Depression and how sometimes "the depression tried to convince me of it's sincerity and rightness." and how "as long as the depression's conversation stays as just a conversation and I don't get too emotionally involved, I'm usually okay."

    Gosh, that really is key to depression management, isn't it? Seeing it for what it is and trying NOT to get emotionally involved. It sure is hard work though and many times I believe my depression.

    Great post!!
    Elizabeth-

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  2. Abigail, I love how your sense of humor plays in your life and in these blog posts!

    I have checked tires, too, though not lately. I have compulsively checked the tires on my husband's truck, too.

    The game playing was good for you . . . you probably needed a little fun, down time.

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