Saturday, October 6, 2012

a cheerful depressed mood?

Advice for the unwary blogger. There seem to be trigger words that get you lots of spam comments. They just keep coming on one of my posts about Elaine Petrone's Miracle Balls. I thought if I took the name of the balls out of the title, that would stop it, but no, it continues, on that particular post. So now I have taken out the link as well. We'll see if that works. But I think I put the link in another post, and they left that post alone. So I don't really get it. If this post starts getting spam, I might just remove this paragraph. That, or perhaps once you start getting spam it just keeps coming? I hope not. But so far, it just keeps coming to that one post, so I might be all right. But I'm almost ready to delete the entire post. Only, it was a really good one on OCD. So I'll wait and continue my experiment modifying the post to unattract spammers.

Yesterday was one of those weird days for me that is a combination of a really good day with particularly depressed thinking. These days confuse me. These days get professionals to ask me if my depressed thoughts are just habits I get stuck in (a view I still at least somewhat disagree with since these thoughts go away mysteriously when I am doing better, and I think if they were just bad habits they wouldn't just almost vanish with less depression and then jump out at me again when the depression gets worse). These days have me confused as to whether I'm doing well or not depression-wise.

But maybe it is another unanswered question that I shouldn't try to figure out.

I'm having a similar day today. Bright sunshine, which reaches some part of me, telling me it is a good, bright day. And then that feeling of standing on the edge of a depression valley, combined with another feeling of being already in a valley, but used to it, kind of numb to it, so I'm kind of skating by on coping skills and sunshine.

Do you have days like this?

I feel like my equilibrium has been thrown off by my work schedule change (not coming back to work two afternoons a week). I have too much time, yet I know it isn't too much time, because not having this time wasn't working, either. So now I have to get into a flow of how to use the time again. I think. Hopefully that will work.

Maybe I will pull out my Human Anatomy course, the one I have to finish by some time in April. It would be nice to get that done, or at least see myself making progress in it. I'm kind of stuck on this perfectionist/lazy conundrum (yes, this seems to be use-longer-words-you-usually-avoid day for me). If I go about it with too much perfectionism, I just never take the quizes because I might make a mistake. But I'm afraid of being too lazy in my studying and getting a bad grade/not learning enough. So there you have it. Should I be blaming OCD? I'm thinking an exposure would be remarkably simple; sit down and study, and then take a quiz. Put a limit on my study time. My more interactive online classes put that limit on by having things due at certain times. Within that, I put what time and energy I am willing/able to put into learning, and then just take the quiz. Because not taking the quiz is a great way to get a bad grade with no risk of a good one.

Well, I guess Human Anatomy can go on my list. House cleaning should go on it, too. But no, it is too overwhelming, so I am currently hiding from my dishes by going somewhere multiple miles from my house. But it is on my list none-the-less, because it is hanging over me, waiting to be done. I feel like my lack of house/dishes upkeep is one of my bigger symptoms of depression, but that one is an easy one to wonder if it is just laziness with no mental illness component.

4 comments:

  1. Abigail, I have wondered if I'm lazy, too. My mother used to call me lazy. But I honestly think it's the depression. We know we should do things, but the energy and motivation and focus just aren't there to accomplish things.

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  2. Yes, I have days like that too where: "Bright sunshine, which reaches some part of me, telling me it is a good, bright day. And then that feeling of standing on the edge of a depression valley, combined with another feeling of being already in a valley, but used to it, kind of numb to it, so I'm kind of skating by on coping skills and sunshine."

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Elizabeth. Somehow the valleys are easier when I know I'm not alone

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