Saturday, October 27, 2012

A HALTingly annoying day

Thus far, my weekend has been too full of stressful social situations. I went to a 2.5 hr training last night and another 8 hr one today, both intended to help the child care worker improve their work. Two more among many trainings out there letting you know how to have a better class, how to develop smarter kids (why, so they can have a higher risk of mental illness?), how to have better behaved kids. Last nights might not have gotten so into behavior issues, but today's sure did. If only I do such-and-such, there will be less behavior problems in my classroom. If only the teacher does his/her job in the best way (which varies from trainer to trainer, depending on what theory they advocate as fact), the children with have much less behavior issues, will learn lots more, and, well, it will just be better.

So, in my emotionally depleted state, I've gotten grumpy, sarcastic, and developed more depressed thoughts.

But today's training was just extra special (introduce sarcasm here). She had the boldness to make generalizations about people (well, that's normal), sensory processing disorder (which isn't necessarily a proven/accepted diagnosis), and even OCD! I actually can't remember much of what she said about OCD. My head is swimming from all the words that speakers sent towards us, all the people around us, all the words I've spoken and heard from various people, and my newly ignited fear (that is also newly set to rest).

Because she talked about Sensory Processing Disorder, in such a way as to make me suspect I had it (as if I needed another disorder to my name). Then, when I (possibly foolishly) asked if she would consider HSPs - Highly Sensitive People - to actually have a disorder, she said yes. So what was termed a gift in the book The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine R. Aron was in one sentence reduced to a disorder. Rats!

And the speaker today was advocating movement (i.e. crawling, dance, etc.) to solve all a person's problems. Oh, touch was in there, too. But my mom held me plenty. Maybe my family wasn't particularly physically demonstrative with their affection, none-the-less, my parents hugged me. That didn't stop until I pulled away due to OCD fears (which can make a simple hug into a dangerous thing, you know). Furthermore, I took dance, specifically took Creative Movement, have great coordination (except when I'm running into things, but I still think my coordination is pretty very good, with left-right coordination fine, as well). I was the kid who scuffed up her mother's floor tap-dancing while drying dishes (or in and around drying dishes?). Yet, here I am with an anxiety disorder AND depression, obviously, my movement and tactile experiences let me down somehow, or I simply have a malfuntioning brain (something she didn't seem to recognize in depression or anxiety or mental health, but was happy to notice with sensory processing disorders).

Well, maybe I should just shut up about her. Really, she seemed like a pretty nice lady. I'm just grumpy. What is that HALT acronym? Hungry? Probably (haven't had supper yet, just a snack.) Angry? Sure. Lonely? For connecting with people on a level deeper than "aw, shucks, we have to be at this training, so we might as well make the best of it" level maybe. Tired? Check. Doesn't matter that I've been doing an amazing job of going to bed early. I feel like I did when I was on a certain medication that didn't work for me. I can sleep, and sleep, and still be tired.

Might have to do with my dreams. Seriously, can they give me a rest from church issues? I don't want to dream about going to my old church and missing my new church again. Twice is more than enough. What kind of closure do I need? I'm guessing I should go ahead and write and send my, please remove me from your membership letter. But who likes to write that kind of letter. The last time I wrote that sort of letter (only it was along the lines of "please remove me from your regular attenders" letter), I sent it, absolved the pastor of having to explain in his words instead of mine why I was leaving, and then heard... nothing. Nada. Well, except that the church still miraculously sent me money for my mission trip for the rest of the year.

What do I want? Them to say, Oh, I'm sorry we didn't contact you after you quit coming to our church. And I'm sorry that we/I messed up on answering your question there. Okay, I just don't want the whole experience. No, maybe just the end of it. But we can't pick and choose, can we. It happened, the good with the rough. Now I get to deal with the fall-out. Alone. Or maybe with the help of my new church.

Because, maybe it isn't just OCD I'm dealing with here. A broken heart that keeps getting broken by churches/people in churches.

Okay, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired self, how about going home and eating?

I don't like food.

Should have expected that answer, hey? Oh, hi, depression, nice to see you are still up to your old tricks?

Watch a movie.

But then I'll be up late, and you know I need every hour of sleep I can get so that I can dream about stressful things and wake up tired still.

Okay, Abigail. HALT, now, okay?

Oh, wait. I think I forgot to tell you my "newly ignited fear." Or wait, maybe I did. It is that I have Sensory Processing Disorder. But actually, my research this evening led me to relax about that. I clearly have OCD, versus there being a possibility that I have what is possibly a disorder, but has yet to make the DMV (if I understood right). And you know the whole thing about disorders sharing symptoms. But some of (if not all of) my SPD-type symptoms are also anxiety/OCD symptoms, and I feel pretty thoroughly qualifying for OCD (right now, minus the issue of is-it-severe-enough-to-count, OCD isn't doubting its existence in me. It has better things to do for the moment). So I think I'll just stick with OCD and depression as my current disorders. They keep me busy enough, you know (or too not busy, as might be indicated by the stacks of dirty dishes corresponding to increasingly empty clean-dish piles).

And now I'll call it a night. Just after I figure out what to call my post and see if I want to read any other posts, etc...


  1. wow, that sounds like a hard day! I think you did a nice job there at the end of trusting that some of your new fears are really just part of your regular old fears.

    Not that this "makes it all better" but at least it's not something new!
    Hope your Sunday is better.

  2. It is huge that you have enough self awareness to see that in your emotionally depleted state, you've gotten grumpy, sarcastic, and developed more depressed thoughts. That is huge and good for you for noticing it.

    It sounds like the training was a real drag!