Sunday, October 14, 2012

My experiment writing a story yesterday did not buy me dreamless sleep, at least not yet. I had yet another adventure/suspense novel dream, as I now like to call them. And I'm tired today! Though the clouds could explain some of that. But I had trouble falling asleep last night, so I'm planning to avoid napping. (Last week, my Sunday nap did excellent things to my mental health, though, so it can be hard choice.)

On the church front, the pastor "passed" my last test regarding how he handled a conversation about depression with me. He explained that his understanding of hope was that it was a belief and assurance that things would get better at some point after whatever dark time, however dark the time might be. I didn't have to be happy in the darkness. I guess I didn't get into the anxiety disorders questions, but his perspective on depression was non-judgmental. And pretty much, if I need to, I can frame my worst mental health struggles into depression terms. Or maybe I should say, when I need support from church people, generally it has to do with depression more than anxiety.

Which implies that I think anxiety is a solo sport while depression is a team sport, pardon my positive terminology. I don't quit think that. I get help for my struggle with anxiety from my blog friends, my counselor, my psychiatrist, and for the most part, people who I think will understand anxiety issues. Depression, however, seems to leave me more needy of help from other people. Anxiety can usually be either ridden out or fled from (i.e. avoidance; I know it isn't the best alternative, but when the anxiety is just too much for the moment, avoidance sometimes works well until I can launch a counter-attack). Depression, however, to hide from it, I sometimes have to connect with other people.

However, despite the pastor "passing" my last test after church (it was an informal test, unplanned. More of an observation than a test), I still struggled with anxiety during church. A pastor preaching with grace apparently doesn't solve all my issues. I still can think of "shoulds." Today, I thought maybe part of the problem was that I was thinking too fast. The pastor's words didn't fill up my brain capacity for the moment, so anxious thoughts had more room to play. So I wrote most of an acrostic poem that I'll try to finish now:


How could you even think of not doing it!
Only a jerk wouldn't do it -
Unless you are just an idiot. Are you
Do it! Or suffer the guilt!
Of course, that isn't what my pastor was saying. That was me trying to describe what a "should" can be like in my head. :)
There is at least one positive to having a super speedy brain, well, at least my brain. I can learn information fast. Hence how I learned so much of what I needed to memorize about human anatomy for the week yesterday.


  1. I hope you get some better sleep tonight.

    I like the way the poem shows how "shoulds" sound in the mind--so true!

  2. Thanks. And I did sleep better!