unreasonably rational

When I talked to my counselor about my college-related (and non-college-related) anxieties of the last week, she kept asking what I was doing about it. And I kept saying I was just living my life. Apparently this time, the professional speaking to me is not telling me to fake it 'til I make it. Because isn't that what just keeping living is? I do my schoolwork, even if it scares me (well, in and around putting it off, I suppose). (For example, I am putting off an assignment right now, which is probably growing scarier by the moment. But I will do it, because it is due tomorrow). So this week, I'm trying to track "what I'm doing about it." And sweetly, she suggested a method besides ERP. Before you remind me that ERP is the super-OCD-reducing method, I'll add her justification, that a lot of my anxieties from last week were generalized anxiety, not strictly OCD. So here's what I'm trying to do. Mindfulness. 1. Mindfulness exercises, like br...

Well, this is a day that blogging actually takes work. I'm tired. I'm sick (I'm thinking a sinus infection, but I have until Thursday to recover before I plan to go to the doctor - gotta get that full two weeks in for the virus to run it's lovely course). And I'm tired. But hey, I'm not stuck thinking about death. Per my counselor's suggestion, I decided not to sing with the worship band at church every Sunday. I was concerned that it was adding to my stress in more of an unhelpful way than a helpful, triumph over anxiety way. So I was singing from the congregation, safe by my chair today. And I was a little sad that I wasn't up singing with them. But then it occured to me; I'm not stuck on depressed thoughts of death like I sometimes was last weekend. That absense made me feel very happy. So, I suppose, that outweighs my missing singing with the worship team. That also explains how I can be pretty happy when I'm still notably sick, purely be...

What do you know, the insert picture function thingy is working today! Hence my photo not taking over more of the blog than it should. Today, if OCD were little g gods, I would have offended the gods. Actually, I did it last night. Thank you so much, professor, for giving OCD the opportunity to knock me to my knees. I'll have you know, however, that I am making some small show of resistance. Which I will explain. This is what I did. I did the communication screen with a little kid as per the instructions. Then, looking over it at home, I thought I missed something, so proceeded to correct something to say how the child actually pronounced it, not how I forgot and left it. And then the monster pounced. Because, being an hour or so removed from the situation, I no longer knew for absolute certain how the child said that word anymore. But I had just struck through the assumed mispronounced sound. So do I go all the way a...

Well, I got one of the bugs that is going around. It really isn't that bad, just makes me tired and ready to sit cozy on my couch. With a slight bit of worry about spreading it. And more worry about getting another bug from my work. The worry of spreading it will come up tomorrow when I decide whether or not to go to a scrap booking get-together. But I have a feeling I'll just sleep in too much and then feel lazy and have the excellent "I'm sick" reasoning to take it easy and stay home (until I want to go out for something else). But my primary motivator (or inhibitor) isn't spreading germs, so I wont worry too much about that. My ring always turns up-side-down when I type a lot. Is that normal, or does it mean my ring is too big and doesn't fit me right? I think I had more to say that I forgot. Oh, yeah, form-filling, honesty OCD. Yyyyuck. But it can wait for another day. :)

Well, today I decided that I was going to take my test on the Human body nervous system. I was done having the test postponed, even for good reasons like not having covered all of the material yet. Sooo, I did! And I still got a C on it (can you believe that I'm actually saying as a good, satisfactory thing?!). I got an A on the midterm, mostly Bs on the other tests. And my goal is a B, so I can handle a C after my A, especially since the test isn't worth as much as the midterm. Also, today, I realized that I mixed two Facebook friends up when I was commenting. Rats! It wasn't a terrible mistake, but it was a bit annoying; I probably would have at least worded it differently if I realized who I was actually commenting to. But then what do you do? Say, oh, sorry, I mixed you up with someone else who has similar letters in their first name.? Or just leave it be, since the actual recipient seemed okay with what I said. So yeah, I'm leaving it be. Except for blogging ab...

Well, played guitar in church today. I only dreamt about it two nights since Wednesday when I agreed to play. And neither dream was a total disaster... Anxiety, how much you do for me. Glad that's over until I start working up to playing next Sunday, too. Two Sundays in a row. Probably good for dealing with the anxiety monster. The pastor preached on Psalm 4 today, the second half of the (very short) chapter. It included dealing with upsetting emotions. He was good about saying that having the emotions themselves wasn't the problem, but then we have to deal with it. By stopping. A good old "be still" type verse is stuck in there, along with that vague "meditate" word (but not in my version; mine used other words for about the same meaning). The pastor's paraphrase of the meditating part was to address yourself, telling yourself to "be still" etc. Anyhow, by the end of the sermon and the chapter, he was hoping that people around us would see t...

Well, I think this weekend is going better than last weekend. As in, I really want to sleep, but specific depressed thoughts have not shown up. And really, I'd rather be really tired than deal with those familiar, really depressed thoughts. School has started up again. I think I'm maybe taking it too seriously. I can feel the tension. I've gotta get it done; I've gotta do enough (whatever that is; I don't know yet since I haven't had an exam); I need to absorb the material; I don't want to get behind; not only that, but I want to get ahead; I've got labs to do that have too many variables, too much uncertainty, so I just want them done! So much for wanting to live in uncertainty. I don't want to fail, so really, I want to finish all my classes this weekend so that I can stop worrying about them and relax. Talk about an unreasonable and impossible goal. And I've been dreaming about work and about playing for church this Sunday. And I've ...

Well, my spring semester has started. And I have embraced the anxiety of choosing to work in a group for the research paper instead of going it alone. This is more risky in that there is a possibility of failure that isn't fully in my control. You kind of have to trust the people in your group. But it could also be really good. So I might regret this decision, but I just might really like it. We'll see. I did have Sunday lunch with my pastor and his family, and it was actually pleasant. More than pleasant, I suppose, since I was having a depressed day to that point, but while I was at their house, the really depressed thoughts gave me a break. Over all, Friday through Monday was rough, but I'm doing better right now, in the middle of the week. This seems to be a pattern for me. I got to see my counselor today. I found out she won't be there next week, which brought on the initial fear of going it alone, but was eventually replaced by hoping it will go well and rel...

Well, with encouragement from you, I did try to get a coupon price reduction for the textbook I bought. But today, my anxiety picked up on other things. Or my emotions. Or whatever. Like this afternoon. I was peacefully watching cartoons, eating food that tastes ridiculously good, so good it doesn't seem like it should count as food (and some might argue that the cheese curls and the muffin weren't so much food as junk food, but the blueberries were healthy!). I was soaking in the light from my therapy light and relaxing after my morning at work (which, over all, went really well). And then a potential invitation to eat a meal with my pastor's family. Thankfully it was a text. Because I freaked out. Felt the fear run through my body. I can hardly believe the anxiety reaction that pastors trigger! Like, seriously! The pastor's wife is my friend. The pastor is someone I trust. And I still freak out (in a motionless way). So then I start wondering, is this still me...

I'm so upset, but it's about something stupid. I was trying to order a textbook for this coming semester. I like having them ready when classes start. I like finding the cheapest price. So I found the cheapest price, and there was a coupon code to go with it. All is well, until I go about buying it and miss seeing where to put the coupon code in. So I lost about nine dollars, or rather, I didn't save that much because I didn't put the coupon code in because I didn't see the spot in time, placed the order hoping it would show up, and, well, I didn't get to use it. So I'm really upset, which is pretty stupid, because it is $9. Okay, but if I had to deal with a crying child long enough to earn that nine dollars...! While I'm this grumpy...! But really, Abigail, nine dollars? You're gonna be okay. That or die of debt, which I haven't heard of ever happening, so I guess I should take that off my list of concerns. (Especially since it is nine...