Thursday, January 3, 2013

Well, with encouragement from you, I did try to get a coupon price reduction for the textbook I bought.

But today, my anxiety picked up on other things. Or my emotions. Or whatever.

Like this afternoon. I was peacefully watching cartoons, eating food that tastes ridiculously good, so good it doesn't seem like it should count as food (and some might argue that the cheese curls and the muffin weren't so much food as junk food, but the blueberries were healthy!). I was soaking in the light from my therapy light and relaxing after my morning at work (which, over all, went really well). And then a potential invitation to eat a meal with my pastor's family. Thankfully it was a text.

Because I freaked out. Felt the fear run through my body. I can hardly believe the anxiety reaction that pastors trigger! Like, seriously! The pastor's wife is my friend. The pastor is someone I trust. And I still freak out (in a motionless way).

So then I start wondering, is this still me dealing with the past when Church A fell apart? Or was I scared of pastors before. Yeah, I was scared of pastors before that, but I guess I blamed that on being a kid.

So there is me, scared of my boss, scared of my pastor. Not that either of them would hurt me. They are both good people and I KNOW that.

But anxiety isn't rational, so I can stop worrying about the logical fallacies.

And what did my counselor say about dealing with big anxiety issues, like my lovely fear of a speech test I have to give for one of my classes this spring. Pin it down and look at it. In the case of the speech test, when I re-read the syllabus, my feared ending (not passing the class, not graduating with this degree, etc.) seemed very much less likely.

So feared ending with my boss? Her disapproval? Because I don't think she'd fire me. But her disapproval seems too small a thing for my anxiety level sometimes. Doing a bad job? Well, I guess I might be a super perfectionist in doing a good job at work (though I have lightened up on the germ side of that perfectionism), so maybe the fear of doing a bad job is that big. That doesn't make sense either.

But back to pastors. Is it the OCD monster again? My compulsion would be avoidance. And I didn't choose that path. I may choose denial of my anxiety, but I'm trying not to avoid the situation.

Who knows. Annoying issue with no clear cut answer.

But the sun came back out today!

6 comments:

  1. I don't like when OCD throws me a new curveball either. You are so right--the anxiety isn't rational.

    I like your counselor's advice to pin the anxiety down. That sounds like it would be helpful.

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  2. Oh... like Tina said I do not like it when I get an anxiety/ OCD curve ball.

    I always seem to believe my anxious thoughts and act on my first gut reaction to avoid, make excuses and just avoid the whole situation. This is very hard for me and takes awareness to overcome. You have the awareness. I usually don't realize what has happened until after the fact when my therapist asks me about my social life and I tell him how I was "too busy" to accept invitations.

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  3. Oh and I have a terrible anxiety about my new supervisor who has only worked here since October. I lay awake at night sometimes wondering how badly I'm screwing up and when it will catch up to me and when he'll fire me. My therapist and I go over this a lot but my anxiety is... well, irrational.

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  4. Yes, the sun came back out today! Good for you for not avoiding!

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  5. Thank you for sharing, your blog and honesty let's many know that they are not alone. I certainly can agree with "anxiety isn't rational" I deal with a lot of unrealistic anxiety and obsessions and although, they have gotten a whole lot better it is still a work in progress.

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  6. I really like that image of "pinning down the anxiety" and taking a look at it. Thanks for sharing it.

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