unreasonably rational

Okay, so someone else had some breakthrough in understanding, or that's what it sounds like. But I didn't. Or if I did, I forgot. Okay, so I don't give myself as much time to learn everything, either. Anyway, I'm glad for them, but annoyed at myself. Why won't the puzzle pieces of my life fall into place?? The 750 piece puzzle is making much better progress, even including my week long break. Wednesday, I got to see Mr. Psychiatrist. We discussed med change options and possible situational causes for current depression dip. We decided to wait two and a half weeks. Then I went to my car, crying. Oh, I was out of his sight before the crying started. I wondered what people would think: I was in a medical building. Maybe I'd gotten some bad news about my health - non-mental health. But I was crying why. Mr. Psychiatrist suggested that part of my depression dip was because of not getting to see my counselor as often, not getting that opportunity to process through ...

Brain, you're being mean to me. I'm gonna tell my psychiatrist on you!

Since I've been on medication, I've had a slight increase in balance issues (I used to have really great ballance). Or, I'v increased in my observance of said issues. Friday, I broke my toenail, which adds to my balance issues. So when I suddenly change dirrection I'm walking in... you would know why, but the people around me wont. In reality, indecision (one of my strong points) can get me switching directions alot, so the net effect probably isn't much. For my homework, I've been supposed to record good and bad judgements I make. That goes okay as long as I'm willing to write them down (i.e. observant and not too lazy in that area). Then yesterday I decided to also record my exposures. This was to combat my oppinion that I was completely lazy in the OCD department and help me appreciate what I was doing. And this is what I'm finding. Just like a year or two ago, my obsessions and compulsions have short attention spans, but they make up for this by ...

Wow, I went 5 days without posting. Very good. I'm not completely addicted to writing on my blog. (This was helped along by my theory that only one out of three libraries I go to will actually post my post.) Once my family get-togethers were completed, my mood lifted somewhat. I still have trouble getting out of bed, but I was 4 minutes early to work this morning (exactly on time yesterday). After work I'm ridiculously tired, but I can live with that. Yesterday and today I went to two dollar stores. Reason for the second was to see if they had multiplication table posters for my teacher sister. I didn't find any. Just Addition and Subtraction. Multiplication must be more expensive? Today I got in a nice little anxiety fit. I like shopping and seeing what's there. But dollar stores are tough for me, especially when I have cash. Thus, I convinced myself to buy three things. And I walked around debating buying other things - decorations for my toddler classroom. Puzz...

How many times have I told myself, it's okay to miss him/her/that place. It's okay to feel that sad feeling. Not that I like it. I want to rush in and try to resurrect a relationship that maybe should stay quiet for now. But I don't want to rush, because I don't want to make anything worse. Relationships sure take some of the boredom (and certainty) out of life. I got clothes with frogs on them from my Aunt. I am so excited. (Frogs represent good memories from Puerto Rico.) (Giraffes represent something, but I don't know quite what it is. Depressed but hoping for improvement? Immagining something to take me out of the current trouble? But the giraffe things people gave me represent them trying to get something I'd like.) It's Friday, which is probably good. I'm ready for a couple days off work. Today, I got scared and defensive about something my boss said, then realized she was just asking a question and wasn't there to judge my answer. When wil...

I'm not getting along with myself very well. Distracted at work? I feel a bit better. Distracted by a movie? I'm fine until it is turned off (or approaches a disturbing topic). Distracted by the internet? (And if it's in Spanish, it's a double distraction.) I feel better. But with myself? "Be anxious for nothing..." King James Version. I do that, only opposite the way intended. I can be anxious for nothing, no reason at all. Anxiety doesn't need a just cause to ambush me. Then again, there's probably always a few factors joining in. Like being tired. Or something someone says. Or having drank a milkshake after being off milk for months (only straight milk; I still consume it in yogurt etc.) (But lactose free doesn't solve my milk problem.) Post milkshake, my stomach has joined my brain in it's attack against me. Ha! watched a short video of a song in Spanish and am feeling momentarily better. Maybe it will last! Now, if I watch a movie with...

Today (Monday, I just couldn't post it until today) was not good for my back. If I misjudge the direction a child is going and they start to fall where I don't expect it, well, I might have reflexes to save the child from any harm, but using said reflexes might make a muscle or two hurt. And I think when I reflexively move like that, I also have instant tension at the same time, making it even easier to annoy my back. Oh, well. I think I'll be lifting carefully for a few days. The depression is being really annoying. It's better right now, but an hour ago? Not so good. I started watching a movie. Highly recommended. And I stopped as the lady was preparing to check herself into the psychiatric hospital. The main character is actually her son, but I wasn't feeling ready to see the lady go through that. Because sometimes the distance between me and the psychiatric hospital gets kind of thin, figuratively. There are good days and good hours and there are tough days and ...

You guessed right; I'm not in the happiest mood today. I cried in the church parking lot (in my car), which I haven't done for a little while. But I had a solid plan for after church, and I knew it. So after a few more tearful moments that kept trying to interfere with my driving, I got home and I... ate lunch! That is a really good thing. I thought I might have to just eat a snack and take my lunch to eat later when I was better distracted. But no, I was able to eat lunch. (I like bagels frozen anyway). Later today, I plan to listen to music and knit. I picked up my knitting again last night. It really seems to have a relaxing effect (until I get tense about my knitting, but that's still beter than other thoughts). So, I'm good for another 3 hours. Maybe after that, my brain will settle down. I just hate bad days after good days. Mr. Psychiatrist and I talked on the phone for a moment on Thursday. He said sinus infections could lower one's mood, "just think of...

The weekend commeth again. But I wanted to talk about yesterday, Thursday. I saw my counselor. And she saw something I'd written (on pages I just gave her to look at) and asked, do you really wonder if you would be better now if you hadn't taken medication? And I said that yes, I truly did wonder that. Gotta surprise your counselor every now and then. No, actually, it's a pretty annoying thought; there are much more pleasant ways to surprise your counselor. She said I should ask Mr. Psychiatrist about that. So it's on my mental list for next time I see him, which is scheduled for the beginning of August. She said, you, of all people, should know that you tried everything else first. You've done the praying and the religious stuff and so on. Which is true. Religion, Exposure-response prevention therapy, talk therapy... But maybe I just didn't do those things RIGHT. Maybe I messed up the ERP by not trying enough. Maybe I messed up my prayers by not having enough f...

Long weekends actually aren't my favorite. I've worked very hard at a successful schedule (or maybe it just sort of happened). I had free time. I had activities to occupy free time (library-computer, dvd, and/or shopping, which lives somewhere in both the enjoyment and the frustrating category). I had outings (support groups, excersize classes/excersize). And work to wake me up five out of seven mornings. A four day weekend means that I have to wake myself up and get myself out of bed without the incentive of work for twice the usual number of days. But I did it, or I wouldn't be writing here at the library: I'd be in bed. I visited my family for the fourth of July. 1) because it means alot to them. 2.) because on holidays I don't call friends because I think they are busy celebrating, but I can get pretty depressed by myself. 3.) because I thought it would be good for me. Same as driving is good for me. Tell the anxiety and depression, you can change this much of m...

Hurray, this computer at this library at this time is letting me actually post my blog entries! Hence, the sudden addition of posts. There was another one about my OCD being found mild on the test my counselor gave me (instead of moderate). I was elated for a day and a half and then returned to being depressed. This latest round of depression is either due to the sinus and ear infections I got or to the drop in Seroquel dose or some combination. But the doctor and I aborted our what-happens-if-we-lower-the-Seroquel-will-the-lightheaded-problem-go-away test. At least until I feel better. And yes, I'm hoping for really better. Not just the "I can now live my life almost normally" kind of better. I've got that (thank God for antibiotics!). But being off the decongestant medication would be nice. I also feel like I'd rather just stick with the current medications and dosages. Give myself a bit of a rest from the whole guinnea pig fiddling around with my medications t...