Friday, July 8, 2011

It can be expensive to treat yourself like dirt

The weekend commeth again.

But I wanted to talk about yesterday, Thursday.

I saw my counselor. And she saw something I'd written (on pages I just gave her to look at) and asked, do you really wonder if you would be better now if you hadn't taken medication? And I said that yes, I truly did wonder that. Gotta surprise your counselor every now and then. No, actually, it's a pretty annoying thought; there are much more pleasant ways to surprise your counselor.

She said I should ask Mr. Psychiatrist about that. So it's on my mental list for next time I see him, which is scheduled for the beginning of August. She said, you, of all people, should know that you tried everything else first. You've done the praying and the religious stuff and so on. Which is true. Religion, Exposure-response prevention therapy, talk therapy... But maybe I just didn't do those things RIGHT. Maybe I messed up the ERP by not trying enough. Maybe I messed up my prayers by not having enough faith or not thanking God enough, or living in sin, or something. Maybe I didn't learn what I should have (or accept it) from the counselors I talked to.

Don't you love OCD? It takes an annoying issue and adds a magnifying glass and endless repeat play.

But this Thursday, I wasn't in to polishing up my thoughts. Did I think I deserved punishment? Yes. Did I think I deserved anything good? No. I don't know if I've been this blunt with her before. There are ways to smooth it over... I don't even want to be honest with myself! Because I might know things that led me into this pit, but I don't know how to get out!

Take, "I deserve nothing good at all." Which goes along with, all people are guilty. Of something. At least a "little white lie" or stealing a cookie when they were young or SOMETHING (and probably more things). I somehow concluded that I was basically sinning all the time, multiple sins in a second (they can happen at the same time). I was never good enough. Ever. I hated the word "best." "Just do your best." In my mind, "best" was something I always wanted to achieve but could never reach, because I always figured I could have done it at least a tiny bit better if I wasn't so lazy, and/or if I hadn't stayed up late last night, and/or if I'd excersized like I was supposed to, and the list goes on.

I guess that sounds like OCD scrupulosity, doesn't it.

But I thought it fit with my religion. I thought my religion stated that all people were sinners, etc. Maybe I just failed to see that Adam and Eve and the rest of the people did not loose their value when they disobeyed. They had consequences, but their value never changed. Hmmm. Maybe that thought can sort this all out?

I don't know. But I finished my counseling session upset with myself for the things that I'd been doing "wrong" that I was supposed to fix (letting go of judgements, not thinking some unhelpful thoughts that can supposedly be addictive...). Which was just another confirmation that she was right about how wrong I was about blaming myself for being wrong, or something like that. Not only did I negatively view myself, I viewed this nagative view negatively.

I think I keep acting like the depression and OCD and anxiety are just because I'm not living my life right. Like I should be able to change myself and get rid of this stuff. That it's my fault I feel bad. Oh, and the whole give-an-example-of-a-physical-illness that people wouldn't blame you for, that doesn't work so well. Because I've "learned" that my sinus infections might be because I'm not thanking God like I should. When I'm physically sick, I think, I didn't get enough sleep, or I touched my face while at work with toddlers, or I didn't eat right, or some combination of problems. Any illness I get just might be my fault. Either I've opened the door to it (or left it open) or I'm straight out being "disciplined."

All in all, this dark view of myself doesn't seem so helpful. Good for perpetuating depression. But then again, it is also a simptom of depression. I don't know how to solve that riddle.

But "this will get better." And even if it wont, I'm gonna tell myself that it will, because it's worth the lie. That might be a sinful thing to type. Let's obsess about it for the next two weeks, and change it inthe drafts section of my blog. Change it back and forth and back and forth.

Or not. This probably will just save in drafts at this moment, but not because I don't want to post it. Something keeps preventing me from publishing posts... (is that because I write the wrong things?) (Okay, I know I'm going overboard. But yes, I have wondered that.)

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