Friday, July 15, 2011

It's okay to miss her

How many times have I told myself, it's okay to miss him/her/that place. It's okay to feel that sad feeling. Not that I like it. I want to rush in and try to resurrect a relationship that maybe should stay quiet for now. But I don't want to rush, because I don't want to make anything worse. Relationships sure take some of the boredom (and certainty) out of life.

I got clothes with frogs on them from my Aunt. I am so excited. (Frogs represent good memories from Puerto Rico.) (Giraffes represent something, but I don't know quite what it is. Depressed but hoping for improvement? Immagining something to take me out of the current trouble? But the giraffe things people gave me represent them trying to get something I'd like.)

It's Friday, which is probably good. I'm ready for a couple days off work. Today, I got scared and defensive about something my boss said, then realized she was just asking a question and wasn't there to judge my answer. When will I learn? When will my fear of authority figures shrink to more reasonable proportions?

In the mean time, I'm very tired this week. I'm blaming it on depression. And I lost my appitite again, which I first blamed on the milkshake, but now am blaming on the depression as well. My counselor was gone this week, which tends to make things harder for me. But she should be there next week. (And so much for my wish to slowing down to every other week.)

I've started reading How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me, by Susan Rose Blauner. Isn't that the greatest title? And her having been there helps me give her credibility and take her advice more seriously.

It's not so different from CBT and DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and Mindfulness. And I in theory support all of those. But in fact, I struggle with feeling guilty. If there is something I can do to solve this problem on my own (i.e., without medication, with books and advice), then it seems like it's my fault I have the problem in the first place. If I'd just live right, I'd be okay. Which can quickly spiral downward into how I'm a terrible person, etc. (Which goes against the CBT, DBT, and Mindfulness.)

Ms. Blauner told the reader at the beginning of the book to take it slowly, which I think was considerate of her. When I can maybe change what I'm doing to solve the problem, sometimes I get in a hurry and I want to change it all right away! (After all, if it is a sin problem, am I not supposed to stop immediately, like the super person I think I should be but know I'm not?)

But this is a long run sort of deal. It's not like the depression or OCD is new for me. Why should I get rid of it quickly when it's been around so long. And does being able to fix something mean it's my fault that it was broken? I'm guessing not (while my emotions argue). Someone else could break the curtain string, and I could repair it. Someone else could spill the milk, and I could clean it up. And really, why do I worry so much about figuring out that I'm guilty and trying to be sure I know I'm guilty if I am? See if you can make that sentence more complicated.

And so, the magic cure I've longed for since I was a child that would instantly take away this sad, hollow feeling still remains out of reach.

But what about the Christians that talk about how people have a hole that God needs to fill in their lives? If I'm using medication and therapy when I should just pray (as if I haven't prayed about it)...

Happy weekend. I'm going to spend more time with people this weekend. And I'm a bit scared. Really.

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