Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I'm not getting along with myself very well. Distracted at work? I feel a bit better. Distracted by a movie? I'm fine until it is turned off (or approaches a disturbing topic). Distracted by the internet? (And if it's in Spanish, it's a double distraction.) I feel better. But with myself?

"Be anxious for nothing..." King James Version. I do that, only opposite the way intended. I can be anxious for nothing, no reason at all. Anxiety doesn't need a just cause to ambush me. Then again, there's probably always a few factors joining in. Like being tired. Or something someone says. Or having drank a milkshake after being off milk for months (only straight milk; I still consume it in yogurt etc.) (But lactose free doesn't solve my milk problem.) Post milkshake, my stomach has joined my brain in it's attack against me.

Ha! watched a short video of a song in Spanish and am feeling momentarily better. Maybe it will last! Now, if I watch a movie with the sound or the captions in Spanish, will my supper disappear effertlessly?

OCD-wise, it was growing again. So I licked both hands in my angry attempt to keep it down. This isn't really so wonderful since that is lower on my heirarchy. But the attitude of fighting the ocd? That's helpful to keep resurrecting. Because I sure get tired of fighting it. Oh, THIS time let me ask her to repeat herself so that my brain doesn't trick me into thinking I missunderstood her. Oh, THIS time let me check again for my driver's license. Oh, THIS time, and This time, and This time, and every time I want to, let me check to make sure the bump in the road I just drove over is indeed just a bump. Oh, THIS time, I'm back to being scared of police and cars that might belong to them (basically, any vehicle black or white, add in other colors when I'm worried about the unmarked cars). Really? What am I afraid of? Okay, I know the answer. They are gonna know my brain is saying depressed stuff and they are going to take me to the hospital. And then either I'll be sent out not feeling ready, or I'll be kept longer than I want... and it would just be horrible, like every other thing that I'm afriad might possibly happen would be horrible. Since, face it, I've got to catastrophize to justify my great fear! The chicken and the egg... OCD and depression and sleep trouble and stress and anxiety and cognative errors like catastrophizing and all that fun stuff.

And this week at some point, I'll have been on various psych medications for a whole year. That, is, bothering, me. I feel discouraged. Let's blame my bad mood on that, on the milk shake, and on the lack of food inside me since I'm in an anti food mood (oh, that sounds cool. What kind of food mood are you in today?). And lack of sleep, since I haven't been sleeping 12 hours a day, just somewhere around 8 (oh, yes, I'm being sarcastic). Well, good bye for now. And if you ask how I am and I say "okay," it probably does not mean "good". It's a compromise between answering the how-are-you question with the socially expected fine and code word letting on that it's just not the best moment for me.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. It's so easy to fall into that trap of "this time" which can become "every time." Keep up the fight!