Friday, July 29, 2011

I haven't "figured it out"

Okay, so someone else had some breakthrough in understanding, or that's what it sounds like. But I didn't. Or if I did, I forgot. Okay, so I don't give myself as much time to learn everything, either. Anyway, I'm glad for them, but annoyed at myself. Why won't the puzzle pieces of my life fall into place?? The 750 piece puzzle is making much better progress, even including my week long break.

Wednesday, I got to see Mr. Psychiatrist. We discussed med change options and possible situational causes for current depression dip. We decided to wait two and a half weeks. Then I went to my car, crying. Oh, I was out of his sight before the crying started. I wondered what people would think: I was in a medical building. Maybe I'd gotten some bad news about my health - non-mental health. But I was crying why. Mr. Psychiatrist suggested that part of my depression dip was because of not getting to see my counselor as often, not getting that opportunity to process through things. (My counselor had the audacity to go to the OCD convention.) And I cried, why? Why do I need an hour of time each week that costs money to see a professional to process my life enough to avoid even greater depression! And then, my favorite worry (can't remember if I worried about it then, but I've worried now): What about when I'm not on insurance in one year? (Assuming that happens, which it might unless I get a job with benefits or something like that.) But the insurance thing is good for a stomach ache and even a headache, but isn't particularly helpful even in solving it's own problem.

Back to why. (Because now I get to process here for free on my blog. Still not the same as talking to my counselor, though.) Why, and why don't I understand whatever it is I want to understand (I don't exactly know that either). Okay, maybe this could be summarized: Blah, blah, I'm feeling yucky, blah, blah, my brain is annoying, blah, blah, ????? blah, blah. So there. I hope you are as enlightened as I am. I'm guessing a nice section of my mental health - and all of my life - puzzle would be learning to quit thinking on things that I didn't have an answer to that didn't need answering. But I want to figure this out! (Not knowing what "this" is in the first place.)

I've been playing a word game. Instead of saying nasty words to myself, I say random words, like colors or animals or flowers or even more random. It's slightly interesting and not as depressing as the nasty words method.

The other word game is this: "I'm wondering whether you'd rather use wit, and not splutter in fetters and splatter your spit." I just like the sound of it, with a half way understandable meaning.

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