Sunday, August 7, 2011

live my life

The Sunday meltdown. Usually, I don't actually cry in the morning. Wait, didn't I say that another time not so long ago? But I was discouraged, even though I kept telling myself it was a new minute in a new day (new days restarted every minute). That helped, but didn't completely erase the muddy waters swirling beneath me.

I asked for prayer. The one word "health" on the paper thing that the church collects. The multiword having thoughts I don't want for the lady available to pray with people that I talked to. I didn't want to say depression, because I didn't want her to judge me. I guess I feel like unwanted thoughts are more acceptable than an ongoing, yet-to-be-ideally-medicated depression.

I continue to not understand the whole Christianity versus legalism versus laziness versus scrupulous OCD thing. Earlier this week, a friend asked if the OCD was why I had so many questions about that. Yes, I'm pretty sure it's nicely embedded in the issue. And I told her that right now, I was okay with not having the issue solved. Now I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know! For sure and certain, 100% accurate. Oh, and I want to be that perfect, not just because of God's forgiveness, but because I now live up to it. And yes, I know that that is technically an error. Who can "live up to" God's forgiveness? I think I should go back to the not-knowing-and-okay-with-it state. I love God (really imperfectly), He loves me, somehow He will take care of me. The end, for now.

Today, I talked to a lady who has been through the OCD depression game, only she actually got out of it. She said I should stop trying so hard to make it stop. Hmmm, sounds like good ocd advice. But I want my depression to stop NOW! I'm excersizing, thinking, eating when I make myself, thinking, working on a puzzle, thinking, watching movies, thinking, etc. Maybe she's right. Maybe I need to accept where I am right now and quit trying to frantically get out of my dark hole that I am scared of. She said, let God do the healing, and I just needed to keep living, not worrying about getting better.

I thought... I've got questions there. But I'd already taken a nice amount of her time. And it sounds good.

But runs right back into the Christianity/Legalism/Liberalism/Ocd issue. Rats. I think I'll finish up here and go buy myself something sweet to eat at the local fair/something similar to a fair. And take part of her advice without forever analysing the rest. I'll go live my life.

3 comments:

  1. Sounds like a good plan!

    Sorry to hear that today was a bit rough for you, but it sounds like the conclusion you came to on your own - moving on and living your life despite the uncertainty - was a good one. I like the whole "stop trying so hard to make it stop" concept, too. It does sound like good advice, at least for OCD; trying to compulsively make certain feelings go away tends to just make them pop up more when it comes to OCD. That approach sounds a lot like mindful acceptance, too.

    Hope you're feeling a bit better!

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  2. It is so hard not to get caught up in the paralysis of analysis, isn't it?

    I hope you feel better,
    Lady Delphinium from http://babysteppingit.blogspot.com/

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  3. Oh, my heart goes out to you! I have struggled with this. I hope you went to the fair. God is bigger than our OCD, and infinitely kinder. I've wanted to figure it all out--sin, perfection, forgiveness,theology, suffering--and this brings me more suffering and depression. For me faith is not the figuring out of theological issues, but living my life.

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