Friday, August 12, 2011

Sarcastic, silly, and serious, all at once

I saw my counselor yesterday. I gave my suggestions for why I was depressed, but she wasn't convinced. Maybe I have a tiny sinus infection really close to my brain... Um, no. Maybe it's because one of my medications last month had funny spots on it (seriously, but I've already taken them, so it's too late to change that. This months still look fine). Um, no.

So why? Why the stupid depression? Maybe if I did this, maybe if I did that, maybe... oh, please, I just want to sleep (she doesn't particularly like me using the sleep answer to what-will-I-do questions).

I said, I felt like I came to counseling and got told what I'm doing wrong. She said, no, if I'm getting that impression, I need to let her know. Her final position was that I was doing the right things. She still wants me to be less judgemental of myself and had mercy on myself (particularly in the area of figuring out my own understanding of religion in relationship to what I've been taught). Blah, blah, blah. Scrupulosity is a really annoying thing. But maybe it isn't all OCD, maybe there are other problems, too. I admit; I don't really understand everything about God. Actually, I understand a little. And technically, that's enough. She wants it to truly be enough, not just true for 26 hours. Picky. I want the same thing. Picky, also. Oh, and that was just two judgments. Which are bad. Which is another judgment. So it must not be good. Which is another judgment. Have fun with that treadmill.

So this weekend, I'll keep working on doing what I'm supposed to (excercise, eat, talk to people, do fun things...). And the depression... well, I'm afraid we tend to fight extra on the weekends. It finally occurred to me within the last hour that the weekends aren't my fault. I'm working to do what I should. It's not my fault that I don't work at the child care center on the weekends (when it isn't even open). Remarkable the guilt I manage to scrape up for myself.

Happy Friday. "This is a new minute of a new day (days restart every minute for this)." My counselor called that a mind trick, but said, "whatever works." "This is a new minute. This is a new minute and not a compulsion. This is a new minute and not a compulsion. Really, this is a new minute - no wait; new seconds of the old minute. And not a compulsion. Merely sarcastic, silly, and serious, all at once.

1 comment:

  1. I too suffer from scrupulosity and like you said, it truly is a really annoying thing.