Friday, August 12, 2011

viewing non-ocd life

One of my friends invites me over fairly often, and I invite myself over occasionally (okay, maybe I only did that once). I love to watch her make cookies, with help from very young helpers. And she peacefully ignores the loud bang of measuring cups on the counter. Doesn't care when a child decides to try raw oats, seems unconcerned about the raw egg, and definately eats the raw cookie dough. She might rinse her hands in there, but I don't recall a good, solid, with-soap handwashing. I just watch kind of amazed (and very rarely help, after I wash my hands with soap in an acceptable way). I think, this is how people live on the other side of the ocd barrier. (My family had ocd-ish tendencies in cooking and cleaning.) I feel uplifted by the insane possibility of sanity in the kitchen. And I feel a bit jealous. And I sort of almost kind of start to understand, but at the same time, it never really makes sense. That's my non-ocd glimpse through a friend.

This same friend has been leading a Bible study. I have scrupulosity issues, as I've already expressed elsewhere. We landed on a verse that my ocd would have a grand time with. Something about turning away from barretsin and obeying and doing right. This is the sort of verse that my ocd thinks justifies perpetual praying and more (I mean over and over asking for forgiveness and searching to see what else I should ask forgiveness for and generally feeling bad and wanting to feel "right"). In response, I feel like I've rejected the obedience verses in the Bible. Because now I only ask for forgiveness once a day (or two or three times...). Because now I don't notice as many of the millions of sins I think I must be commiting each day. I even don't recall any specific sins. This is all clear (OCD) evidence that at best, I'm a back-sliding Christian. (Meanwhile the pastor's wife holds as her goal to ask for forgiveness from God every day instead of less often.)

So I asked my friend about it, in my lovely, repetetive, almost stuttery, having-trouble-expressing-myself-in-words English. Her answer was amazing. Just like eating cookie dough or not washing hands. To her, the verse meant that she should admit/claim Christianity when it came up, instead of just being quiet about it. One general/basic application. No lice comb needed. No infinite number of applications to worry about. Just a quick hair clip added. Prettier, less stressful, and more practical (at least if you don't have lice).

For all of which, I still don't think that way myself. I still am not sure how to think that way.

This post was mostly written on a different day, not Friday.

1 comment:

  1. Gosh-- this post really speaks to me. I too suffer from scrupulosity and "unchecked" (pun intended) can ask for forgiveness hundreds of times a day.

    It is a curious thing to observe non-ocd people going about their daily business. They all seem so free.

    Lady Delphinium from