A pretty good day/shopping anxiety
Today, I finished one of my classes. Finished! With a high B or a low A, if something good happens (like a bunch of people getting a lower score on the final exam? That doesn't seem very nice).
But I'm okay with a B. Or trying to be. And this helps; I've decided that doing schoolwork while your brain tries to convince you that dying is a great idea should give you extra points. I've decided it should give you ten percentage points, i.e. move you up one grade level. With that, I'm getting an A in this class (in my mental transcript that grad schools will never see). So that's good. I've accomplished something good. (Please realize that I tend to remember academic things pretty easily and I tend to test well with multiple choice tests; if you are one of those people who really works hard for a C, don't think I worked harder than you, because I probably didn't.)
Then, I went shopping for new shoes. Justification: My knees ache at the end of most days right now, so maybe new shoes will change that. And I went to the "big" mall in the neighboring city. And I had fun. And I bought a shirt for more than ten dollars, which might be a sin. And then I bought some kitchen tools at a good price, which might also be a sin. And then I bought supper, but I'm going to think that wasn't a sin, since it is a good thing to feed myself. And then I bought some books. Board books for reading with current and future toddler students. Not only did I buy these books, I also got the educator discount, even though I maybe shouldn't have since I teach toddlers, which might not count as Pre-K, so maybe I was stealing, even though the clerk lady let me do it. And then, as if that wasn't enough, I bought a video online. Surely by now, I have sinned by spending money that I should have saved. I'd like some reassurance, so please don't give it.
I bought a light jacket yesterday (see, I keep spending money). I really wanted to check the prices of some jackets I saw today to see if I really got a good deal or if I wasted my money yesterday, but I didn't. Pretty positive that would be some kind of reassurance checking. And what good would it do? The coats are more expensive, so I keep worrying and wondering if there are other, cheaper coats. Or the coats are cheaper, but I still can't (or won't) take the first one back, so I'll feel guilty, or try to convince myself I was okay to spend that money.
And now, is all that stupid anxiety, well, is some of it my conscience? Is it just normal anxiety that I'm too lazy to handle, so I seek to blame it on a disorder? Is that anxiety really OCD? Maybe I don't have OCD anymore. Maybe it doesn't disturb me enough or take up a whole hour each day. Back to the wimpy or lazy issue. Maybe I should spend another good while on this question. If I take an hour to solve it, at least I will know that I have OCD. Or wait; no I won't, because I wouldn't be able to know it for sure if I had OCD.
Other than that, I had a good day. The sun came out. I liked my new jacket. And my shoes... well, my knees didn't hurt until after 8 pm, so I'll hope that's a good sign.
And I really think that taking my medication in the morning might be working. And I really like getting rid of my supper medications; it is annoying to have to take them with me when I eat supper at someone else's house.
But I'm okay with a B. Or trying to be. And this helps; I've decided that doing schoolwork while your brain tries to convince you that dying is a great idea should give you extra points. I've decided it should give you ten percentage points, i.e. move you up one grade level. With that, I'm getting an A in this class (in my mental transcript that grad schools will never see). So that's good. I've accomplished something good. (Please realize that I tend to remember academic things pretty easily and I tend to test well with multiple choice tests; if you are one of those people who really works hard for a C, don't think I worked harder than you, because I probably didn't.)
Then, I went shopping for new shoes. Justification: My knees ache at the end of most days right now, so maybe new shoes will change that. And I went to the "big" mall in the neighboring city. And I had fun. And I bought a shirt for more than ten dollars, which might be a sin. And then I bought some kitchen tools at a good price, which might also be a sin. And then I bought supper, but I'm going to think that wasn't a sin, since it is a good thing to feed myself. And then I bought some books. Board books for reading with current and future toddler students. Not only did I buy these books, I also got the educator discount, even though I maybe shouldn't have since I teach toddlers, which might not count as Pre-K, so maybe I was stealing, even though the clerk lady let me do it. And then, as if that wasn't enough, I bought a video online. Surely by now, I have sinned by spending money that I should have saved. I'd like some reassurance, so please don't give it.
I bought a light jacket yesterday (see, I keep spending money). I really wanted to check the prices of some jackets I saw today to see if I really got a good deal or if I wasted my money yesterday, but I didn't. Pretty positive that would be some kind of reassurance checking. And what good would it do? The coats are more expensive, so I keep worrying and wondering if there are other, cheaper coats. Or the coats are cheaper, but I still can't (or won't) take the first one back, so I'll feel guilty, or try to convince myself I was okay to spend that money.
And now, is all that stupid anxiety, well, is some of it my conscience? Is it just normal anxiety that I'm too lazy to handle, so I seek to blame it on a disorder? Is that anxiety really OCD? Maybe I don't have OCD anymore. Maybe it doesn't disturb me enough or take up a whole hour each day. Back to the wimpy or lazy issue. Maybe I should spend another good while on this question. If I take an hour to solve it, at least I will know that I have OCD. Or wait; no I won't, because I wouldn't be able to know it for sure if I had OCD.
Other than that, I had a good day. The sun came out. I liked my new jacket. And my shoes... well, my knees didn't hurt until after 8 pm, so I'll hope that's a good sign.
And I really think that taking my medication in the morning might be working. And I really like getting rid of my supper medications; it is annoying to have to take them with me when I eat supper at someone else's house.
Love your sense of humor..and yes, you should get schoolwork points.
ReplyDeleteI think there may be something to taking meds in the morning. My doctor split my dosage up, half in morning and half at night. I felt like taking it at night was keeping awake, but it could have all been in my head too cause I way over think stuff. But I decided to experiment and take the 2 pills together in the morning and walla, I was able to fall asleep faster and my OCD seemed better all day.
Oh wow, you do a really, really good job of showing what OCD thinking is like. All that back and forth. Been there. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on finishing your class! I'm glad you like your new jacket. And I'm glad your knees didn't hurt. : )
Sounds like a good weekend. Glad the class is over, and that you did well!
ReplyDeleteWhat is OCD and what it not? That's so hard. I've heard that if we are wondering if it's OCD, it probably is.
I take my meds in the morning and they work best that way for me.
I really appreciate your blog. You bring a lot of humor into it and I find it enjoyable to read. I have OCD and I can understand how it can take over your thoughts. I have learned to control my OCD from http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ocd. I hope that you and others can get some good advice from this site too.
ReplyDeleteHeh. You know, I sometimes wonder how much of what I do is ocd and what isn't. I don't want to give it too much credit, but then again I hate to think this stuff is just me! ;)
ReplyDelete